my Dad
I want to start this saying, I really have a problematic boss here at the monastery.
Maybe probematic is not the word. He doesn't live here now - but he may come back
and I really don't like his solipsistic nature and how disrespectful he can be. I don't want to go
into details - but I am getting to the point in my life
where the pressure and the demand for creating a safe place for myself is coming to mind and to the practical to getting it.
But at the end of this journal you'll also see that these kind of crazy aspects to life's relationships usually involve
a lot of adjusting for the the shit relationships carry. It's a dynamic, on averages things are good. I have a better perspective and expectations and acceptance to know and appreciate the dynamics and realities.
It is very affordable to live here at the monastery and the community here in my life is built in. I basically work to live here.
It can be great. Very exhausting too but it has afforded me the time and space and peace to live with reason in my life
and as a consequence I feel very present to how much I have grown.
Back to the elder. I kind of faced his bullshit again today. So I started to think that it's time to find a new place
to live and yet I don't have the means to move or the employment and income to shift reliance to - I don't know what I would be good for. I started to feel like I’m an older guy falling through the cracks a bit but that’s not my total attitude, I’ll keep positive, I know I can do this! In a knid of juvenile way there’s a part of me that feels my life or life is not ‘supposed to go that way!’ But I know I’ve gotta fight forward.
As I said with the luxury of time and this kind of structure here I’ve been able to have reason in my life. It’s given me a taste of life that’s been healing and growthful. There’s part of me that feels worried but I’ve got to believe I can create a life somewhere else.
When considering the shitty nature of the relationships that sometimes faces me I think on how sometimes when my family bitch about someone like the elder, in fact, it’s more of a momentary doggie toy rather than a complete condemnation as when I told them he is gravely ill, they said they would pray for him. I guess life is kind of like that?
We’re one big community of a mess of contradictions and paradox.
In light of this I guess it’s time to choose with the weighing of the good qualities while accepting the not so good. I was reminded of Mike Bloomberg talking about his support for Andrew Cuomo as Mayor of NYC.
He said 'Andrew has a lot of good qualities - no mayor is perfect but he has a lot of good qualities.' That comment really struck me.
I just took notice of that and I thought about the generality of experience in my life. Having to deal with the problematic relationships
and also the good ones.
I thought about how each of us has to deal with that - and more specifically I thought that my Dad has got to live with all the craziness and pressures in his life.
He still has to keep on keeping on. It’s his life and survival for sure...
And then I thought my my life and my survival and then my reliance on him and what I ask him to be for me which maybe is not altogether fair. I’ve got that perspective now.
So I called him after that thought. We talked and I told him I loved him and that I just wanted to tell him
that I know he has a lot of pressures and compexity and that I maybe ask him to be something for me which is not
so fair. He said THANK YOU SO MUCH and I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH MARK.
It was like a point of mutual respect that I have been seeking from my early twenties when I was first
out of college. It is really great!
Replies
Life is not easy for anyone, although the soul yearns otherwise.
thanks bob.
in recent years i've been getting considerable mileage from the mantra, "we all have assholes and good health requires we use them daily." the mantra helps me see the lives behind the shitty moments. you are more than the sum of your last bowel movement.
one of the therapy exercises i have used is imagining my perfect world. it is hard to summarize, but i mostly believe all the predictability of my perfect world would be kind of boring with no room for my favorite hobby, questioning.
life is a mixed bag. i'm not here to judge.
Thanks Arfie!!
Big hug Marky...It's hard to be around someone on a regular basis who we aren't comfortable with
And I agree life isn't easy...Sometimes it does suck
I think weighing the good and the bad is wise sweetie
It reads like you had a lovely talk with your dad!!
Nice!...xo
Thanks Janet!