My cup runneth over
Much love, much gratitude, much grief, overflowing, and sometimes I'm just so overwhelmed I don't know which way is up. I think (like the time I drove through the blinking red light in December?) I need to slow down a little. Feeling sort of loony and ferocious... hmmm sounds manic. I think the needle might be a little too far into the red zone for me, usually a mellow even-keeled person. When *I* start snapping at my husband, something is very very wrong. I guess I'm the last to know it. <sigh>
Friday was my birthday, plus Byron's birthday. (Yes, he was the best little birthday present I ever got!) We had a small family party with just two friends plus my brother and his wife, and my parents. A delicious dinner and wine and chocolate. Since then, it's been all non-stop programming and too much action, probably too much sugar too. Not enough time with the doggies.
All Friday I felt super tender like I could cry at any minute... of course no goofball birthday call from Andy... you mean he's really gone? Breathe in, breathe out. When Byron finally got here for dinner I was just so grateful and relieved to hold and be held by someone who completely knows the sorrow, although as a friend said, you sure wish he didn't. Saturday: I did get some exercise at the Y, but then we went to a large dinner party in the neighborhood, and what do I end up discussing with the people at my area of the table but cancer, choices about whether to take treatment or not, whether elderly and terminally ill people have the right to end their own lives, and how much we are each comfortable sharing on CaringBridge sites and the like. I am a real barrel full of monkeys, lol. My end of the table has a little black raincloud hovering over it. A friend of Drew's once said, "Don't go out and socialize unless you're ready willing and able to have a ****ing good time," and I guess I broke that rule. I go out and try, but I end up drained. I know many of you can relate to that.
Today: a church service which was very boisterous and draining, then a LONG and beautiful but hot and long and emotionally draining memorial service for a friend who died last week of the same brain cancer as Andy had (WHAT? My son had cancer?!?!? For how long will this be a shock?) and then I went back to MY church to offer the first of seven classes based on a book called The Sacred Art of Listening. I'd say it was the turning point in my weekend. A moment of silence, a little gratitude, a genuinely sweet and caring moment. Believe me I am no expert on listening but I loved this book and wanted to explore the 40 meditations with a group, so we have made it happen.
Now I just want to sit on my couch and rest. No more rushing today. Recharge. No more draining the tank. Rest. Recover.
xoxoxo
Friday was my birthday, plus Byron's birthday. (Yes, he was the best little birthday present I ever got!) We had a small family party with just two friends plus my brother and his wife, and my parents. A delicious dinner and wine and chocolate. Since then, it's been all non-stop programming and too much action, probably too much sugar too. Not enough time with the doggies.
All Friday I felt super tender like I could cry at any minute... of course no goofball birthday call from Andy... you mean he's really gone? Breathe in, breathe out. When Byron finally got here for dinner I was just so grateful and relieved to hold and be held by someone who completely knows the sorrow, although as a friend said, you sure wish he didn't. Saturday: I did get some exercise at the Y, but then we went to a large dinner party in the neighborhood, and what do I end up discussing with the people at my area of the table but cancer, choices about whether to take treatment or not, whether elderly and terminally ill people have the right to end their own lives, and how much we are each comfortable sharing on CaringBridge sites and the like. I am a real barrel full of monkeys, lol. My end of the table has a little black raincloud hovering over it. A friend of Drew's once said, "Don't go out and socialize unless you're ready willing and able to have a ****ing good time," and I guess I broke that rule. I go out and try, but I end up drained. I know many of you can relate to that.
Today: a church service which was very boisterous and draining, then a LONG and beautiful but hot and long and emotionally draining memorial service for a friend who died last week of the same brain cancer as Andy had (WHAT? My son had cancer?!?!? For how long will this be a shock?) and then I went back to MY church to offer the first of seven classes based on a book called The Sacred Art of Listening. I'd say it was the turning point in my weekend. A moment of silence, a little gratitude, a genuinely sweet and caring moment. Believe me I am no expert on listening but I loved this book and wanted to explore the 40 meditations with a group, so we have made it happen.
Now I just want to sit on my couch and rest. No more rushing today. Recharge. No more draining the tank. Rest. Recover.
xoxoxo
Replies
you have been busy literally & emotionally. I think you are wise to slow down & recharge for a bit.
Yes, time to rest, reflect and fill your cup once again... glad it was such a happy birthday and for Byron and you to share the same day, wow! Feast or famine sometimes with our paths and this was a weekend of feasting for you. Snuggle up with your fur babies and put your feet up. With love, Joanie
as a friend shared with me today ... \"eyes to the skies\", love!
... rains to wash over you in calming exhale.
... sunshine of warmth with deep breath anew.
xoxoxoxox
Belated happy birthday, sounds like a very nice celebration. I have been in the disbelief mode lately as well. How could my child be gone?
I pep talk to myself a lot, but I guess I haven\'t been listening very well.
I think getting out is helpful, but you have to know when solitude is a better choice.
We will get through this. Take care.
Hugs, Rebecca
I believe, even when we don\'t think so, that our loss is so draining physically and emotionally. I am just tired. It is good to sit and meditate, sip on tea and rest the mind. THinking of you. Peggy
This IS tiring! Socializing, well, if you can do it, do it. My talk seems to always winds up being about Jim...just can\'t help it. Maybe because I have been censored by those around me (as opposed to being in a social environment). Jim stories, which can make me feel temporarily better in the telling of them. Tonight I curl up with Twinkie who is SO tired. Tired of moving, tired of fleas, needs snuggling.
Rest and recover - you have earned it by the sounds of things! The book sounds interesting - I am going to look for it. Take care of yourself ~ Joanna
You are so right. Your resiliency is completely drained. It\'s time to balance the scales. Do little things (like the \"listening thing\") that allow you to feel at least \"even\". I, too, am just one big jumble of tender, and although I have reasons, they can\'t compare to yours. Think soothing....a good cup of tea, a sweet movie with a friend, a good book by your favorite author, calling an old friend who always was there for you, a nice hot tub soak, soft, relaxing music, your favorite sweet treat, prayer by all means, maybe go for a manicure or pedicure, or best of all, a massage. Don\'t do these all in one day! (kidding) But try and build up your resiliency with some of these soothing things, or what you see to be soothing. When the scales are move balanced, then you can kick it up a notch. Be good to yourself, okay? Love....
Becky
Yes, it sounds like you need to rest and recover, I wish I could help you out with a nice cup of chai tea! Love & hugs, Colleen
You had a very busy weekend...now it\'s Monday.. relax time?? how nice Nora
I am really happy to be able to be back online again & read your journals Sarah. They are always so good to read. I really understand them. Thank you..
It is Tamzin\'s dad\'s birthday today, 3 days after yours... I sent him a card I made of a photo of Tamzin running in a junior lifesavers race when he was only 7. I will put it up now in my photos. See you soon maybe xxxxx
Ahhh - \"the hamster in a wheel\" syndrome. I wonder why we do this to ourselves sometimes and the answer always seems to be an attempt to fill the void so that the pain will leave us for a moment. And, then as you say - we are shocked when we glimpse reality again. Happy Belated Birthday Sweet Girl...it is good to set aside an R&R day and be just as engaged (or not) as you wish - in this tangle of life today. Love YOU - Suzzanne
Gratefully green Monday hugs, all around! I am grateful for all of you. None of us is all alone in this journey, thanks to Barbara and those who carry the banner of compassion and loving support.
Now I\'m running home to meet a Craigs List buyer interested in Andy\'s grow-lights. I\'m all done with being a grower, lol. No longer legal without the dude around.
xoxoxo
Glad you\'re trying hard to find a balance. It\'s the best hope we have. This sadness that never goes away, but ebbs and wains. I\'m glad you have good friends, a nice Church, and other people to love. Like us, your sisters of the heart. love ya, abby
I know Sarah. Sometimes reality just hits and even after 18 months I can\'t believe Ed is gone. Rest well - you deserve a little break. Happy birthday to you and Byron! Love, Linda