My Crappy Day

Man... Life is hard. I guess my day started off difficult, with a dream involving some of the sexual abuse from my past. It was really scary. I hate waking up in a cold sweat. I don't know how I am feeling right now about it. Angry I guess, that my "daddy" would do something like that to me. I don't understand. I tried to be a good girl. I tried to win the spelling bee. I studied hard. But it wasn't enough to keep me safe.  Today I was also thinking about Valerie, my egg donor. I guess part of me, the little three year old, misses her and wishes that one day that she will love me. I don't understand why she abused me like that. I don't know why she didn't protect me. I don't understand why after being in foster care for two years, she hasn't tried to apologize to me or anything for what she has done.  I also had therapy, which is really really hard. I feel like crying. I feel so overwhelmed by everything around me. I just want to be held and told that everything is going to be okay. That the urges will stop, that I won't want to kill myself, that the pain will end soon. But it won't happen. I will continue to wonder if suicide is an answer. I will continue to fight my way closer to my ten week goal. It's so hard, but the tears just won't come. Where do I belong? I don't belong in foster care... my parents are alive. I don't belong with Valerie (bio mom)... the State says she's crazy. I don't belong anywhere... except dead. I just don't know...