My Childhood.
From my earliest memories...about 3 years old...I have been terrified of people and the world. I never spoke to anyone except my mum and my brothers and sisters, and then a few friends at school, but never when there was an adult around.I was in and out of hospital a lot since birth with asthma. I never spoke to anyone in the hospital, they all asummed I was deaf, as I would just stare off into space and not even acknoledge they where there. But I could hear and understand everyone just fine. I was just so afraid to utter a single word.When I started school things were no better. I would get in trouble from the teachers for not talking and get kept in at lunch also..and no I am not exagerating, this happened within my first year of school. I remember getting held up against the blackboard and being yelled at in front of the class, all because I wouldnt read aloud to the teacher. I was so scared, I can remember that as if it were yesterday. That was 27 years ago. I didnt have many friends and I hated school, although I didnt show it, even at such a young age I hid my depression very well, although I didnt know how I was feeling wasnt normal. Phsychosis was normal to me as well, not really voices in my head, but forced thoughts that wouldnt go away. I felt like I didnt have my own mind and I couldnt do what I wanted, couldnt talk cause was told by the psychosis not to. My parents never took me to a counsellor or anyone about the way I was, they just told everyone I was shy and thats what they believed. (I have deleted the rest of this entry as I dont want to keep reminding myself about it)
Replies
Jules, what your father did was sexual abuse, you were sexualized at a young age, your behavior is a result of your father\'s actions, if you hadn\'t seen the porn, you would have had no idea of what sex was and wouldn\'t have engaged in it as an 8 year old. I don\'t know where you\'re at in your marraige, it took me twenty years to truly open up to my husband about my own past. Please, I don\'t know what you\'ve done to seek healing, but please seek some help, therapy, something. You have been deeply wounded and you deserve to heal so that you can enjoy your relationship with your husband and others.
Blessings, Katy
I agree with Katy, you are not to blame at all. You show a cross on your avatar. If you need healing remember Jesus said \"let the little children come to me\" what you \'father\' did is his sin and not yours.
Thanyou to those that have read my journal and left comments... I guess I now see that it wasnt my fault and I do need to forgive my father and myself and move on.That is going to be hard but I think it needs to be done.
I do feel a bit of relief now as this is the first time EVER I have told anyone about this, and I dont think there will be a need to disrupt anyone elses lives by bring it up. I will just rely on others here on DS to get me through this. I just hope I dont end up turning everyone away from me.
Anyway...thanks so much for being here and suporting me through this dificult time.
Absolutely not your fault, don\'t ever think it was. It is quite common for an abused child to blame themselves, and often abusers use that guilt to keep a child quiet about the abuse.
because your father let you watch pornagraphy at such a young age eventually you were going to act out what you saw. It\'s not your fault, the blame should go on your dad for introducing you to such abuse. He might not have sexually abused you but he did mentally abuse you by implanting those images into your head at a young age. It\'s a form of sexually abuse to me. Maybe he had intentions to sexually abuse you. It is not your fault!!!
Wow, that is sad...I\'m sorry that you had to go through that.:(
LOTS of love 2 u,
k.k.