My Brother's Birthday
I did wish my brother happy birthday and tell him I loved him on his FB. My mother did send him a photo she had of him at 6-years-old with a card (she had this gift ready before she ever got the letter cutting them out of his life). My aunt and uncle stopped by my parents' house and put a note saying, "we thought you might want to go with us to his birthday celebration" on the door since my parents were at red hats. My parents weren't invited. I wasn't invited. And I do find it interesting that my aunt and uncle didn't come by here and offer me to go, either. I live 150 yards from my parents and I was here.
I have since the last time I journaled about his wrote my brother again. I told him that I really could not grasp and understand where he was. I was pretty blunt and he may not have been happy with what I had to say, but I needed to say it. I still cannot understand how he can talk to me about justifying our parents' behaviors and then justify his biological mother's behavior (she committed suicide when he was 6). I straight out asked him why he holds all this resentment for our mom and then idealizes his. As a parent, even through suffering and when I really haven't wanted to go on, my first consideration is the effect on my children!
I also pretty bluntly told him how I see our parents as running him to everything, supporting everything he ever wanted to do, helping him with school, housing, vehicles, hosting parties, dressing up for parties and so much more. What I see is that my parents invited his partner into all of our lives and every family gathering. They never once said, be this way or don't be a part of our lives. How can he turn around and tell them "be this way or don't be a part of my life". I just can't grasp it.
I haven't gotten a response. I'm not sure that I ever will. I have considered before the possibility of my brother being a N, but haven't spent enough real time with him over the years to really know for certain. I do see a lot of how everything seems to be about him. He has always loved being the center of attention and was unhappy if not getting enough attention. Now, I am kind of seeing that he has forged this relationshp with this aunt & uncle, as well as another aunt (they live next door to each other, are sisters) and they are his family now. I am happy that they have each other, really, but it does seem that he doesn't care to try to communicate and resolve our issues any longer because he has this replacement and so, whatever. I am not sure of the truth of this, it is all just my impressions from over here in my little part of the world :) But, it also makes me wonder about my own patterns, coming to be with the N husband and the fact that my brother (7 years older) was a driving force and at times the only one, during my formative years.
I have since the last time I journaled about his wrote my brother again. I told him that I really could not grasp and understand where he was. I was pretty blunt and he may not have been happy with what I had to say, but I needed to say it. I still cannot understand how he can talk to me about justifying our parents' behaviors and then justify his biological mother's behavior (she committed suicide when he was 6). I straight out asked him why he holds all this resentment for our mom and then idealizes his. As a parent, even through suffering and when I really haven't wanted to go on, my first consideration is the effect on my children!
I also pretty bluntly told him how I see our parents as running him to everything, supporting everything he ever wanted to do, helping him with school, housing, vehicles, hosting parties, dressing up for parties and so much more. What I see is that my parents invited his partner into all of our lives and every family gathering. They never once said, be this way or don't be a part of our lives. How can he turn around and tell them "be this way or don't be a part of my life". I just can't grasp it.
I haven't gotten a response. I'm not sure that I ever will. I have considered before the possibility of my brother being a N, but haven't spent enough real time with him over the years to really know for certain. I do see a lot of how everything seems to be about him. He has always loved being the center of attention and was unhappy if not getting enough attention. Now, I am kind of seeing that he has forged this relationshp with this aunt & uncle, as well as another aunt (they live next door to each other, are sisters) and they are his family now. I am happy that they have each other, really, but it does seem that he doesn't care to try to communicate and resolve our issues any longer because he has this replacement and so, whatever. I am not sure of the truth of this, it is all just my impressions from over here in my little part of the world :) But, it also makes me wonder about my own patterns, coming to be with the N husband and the fact that my brother (7 years older) was a driving force and at times the only one, during my formative years.
Replies
Rani, I do understand your brother. If he doesn\'t answer and you still feel like having an explanation, I might be able to help you get it. I\'m sorry you hurt so much over this.. but at the same time he is choosing what he feels is best of him. How many times does he need to say no in order to be left alone? I am sorry if it sounds harsh, I don\'t want to make you suffer more than you already have. You remind me a lot of my brother who keeps insisting for me to change my mind over him and my mom. I am not going to. I might be dead wrong but he has no right to keep on asking for explanations I have already given him. Let me know if you think I can help you Rani xoxoxoxo
The thing is, I don\'t want explanations about him not being a part of my parents or my life and truly accept that as his choice to feel healthy in his life. I don\'t want him to change his mind (well, in an ideal world, yes, but I know that\'s not possible and not going to happen). I would like him to explain his reasoning, which I don\'t understand, and he has not explained to me once. And quite frankly, I don\'t find 2 letters and 1 brief conversation over something he initiated, then didn\'t really discuss with me and then is not responsive to questioning as harping on him.
When I decided to homeschool my kids, he definitely called me up and gave me his full opinion, thoughts and expected a response from me, which I gave him. He still didn\'t agree, but at least he understood my reasoning in doing so. When I, years ago, got angry at my dad and did actually say things in anger that I shouldn\'t have, my brother called me and questioned me. I responded and explained. No, he didn\'t agree, but at least understood where I was at during that time.
In return, I feel the same way in this situation, if I get one response explaining that will be enough, whether I agree or not. In fact, I would much prefer to get a response that is even a screw you, I don\'t have to explain shit to you than just a cut-off, non-communication. I can\'t help it, to me, that is just manipulative behavior on his part.
So you feel your brother is giving you the silent treatment. There are two ways to go ... one would be to detach . The other would to not allow his behavior to be about YOU. It really isn\'t. It doesn\'t sound like you have an intimate relationship with him or that he can be intimate. It sounds more like he is cutting off from his own issue and blaming others. He sounds very narc like.
I found my brother to be narcissistic given his history of being spoiled and his behavior after that.
My choice was to let go because the idea of forming a relationship with any amount of intimacy has been and is impossible.
It required a decade to figure this out. I only finally figured it out completely the more I understood and pathology.
Emotionally healthy adults negotiate. 3 year olds blame the bad object and project.
Although you were able to share with your brother years ago he is unable to return that kind of communication. He wants to hurt the people he is angry at... your parents. He needs to blame them for his discontent. You are not in agreement with his experience. although you were able to sit with opposite points of view when you were angry ... Your brother is not.
I think you are taking his tantrum too seriously. What would happen if every one just stopped paying so much attention to it? What wold he do then? Leave the planet ?
I have been largely trying to detach from this since I have tried twice to communicate now with no response. It reappeared today due to the birthday and also because he sent my daughter an email today asking her if she would like to meet sometime for a coffee.
But you are right (as is learningpixie) that either way, I need to let it go personally. As far as my daughter, she will be voting in the next election and I am going to trust that she can make her own decision regarding her uncle.
I have so many problems with my siblings and communication. There are 6 of them--all older. They all know EVERYTHING and none of them agree with me on pretty much anything. We fight, we loathe each other, and then we get together and eat and shrug it off.
I\'ve now spent MONTHS not talking to my siblings. They ignore me when im in the room or trying to talk, belittle my dreams of being an artist (since I was 4), invalidate every feeling/.thought I have, and in general are just bossy pushy annoying intolerant opinionated know-it-all-know-nothings.
One of my brothers is gay and the two of us barely talk to any of them ever--if we do its surface, pleasantries, shows, music, and the family happenings.
Sometimes you just have to lay down the big issues and get along on the small ones. Agree to disagree. Otherwise you\'ll never end up talking to each other.
I tried silent treatment after honestly EVERYTHING ELSE to get my sibs to listen to me. I didn\'t want to not talk to them, but they forced me to detach thro their mistreatment and invalidation of me.
Now things are changing --slowly but FINALLY. It worked!! I go and they don\'t interrupt me as soon as I talk. They dont say \"thats stupid or wrong\" to literally everything I say. They MISSED ME :) And now they know that I can bear walking away from them, they work harder to find common ground with me so we can have a relationship. And I am MORE than willing to work on finding that common gruond too.
but first, to get RESPECT, I had to leave.
I hope this helps clarify--maybe your brother feels same? idk...
ALso, the fact that you cant let this go is GOOD. You love your brother and a piece of you knows you need to make things right with him. I know he\'s ignoring you and that\'s his right to do (immature as it is) but you have a responsibility to this relationship working as much as he does. Right now he doesnt want to talk...but it wont be FOREVER. That\'s a long time. And between siblings there is love--between him and your parents there is love.
I can tell you one thing, attacking him is the reason he wont answer your email. Its too much about YOU and not enough about him. I would write another one that is polite and NOT about you and asks please just let me know your reasoning again--and I will leave you alone. Tell him you seek only to understand his view and to hear him out (NO JUDGMENTS) and you could maybe throw in how you and your kids miss him esp around his bday
let him decide what he does about all that affection, love, and compassion...