My Bedwetting Dilemma...
It's been awhile since I've journaled specifically about my bedwetting, but it has definitely remained an issue in my life. I wouldn't say it's been getting especially better or worse lately than it has been in the past... just as unpredictable as ever. I've had moments in the last couple of years when I was doing great and feeling like the problem was almost behind me... and moments when I have been doing badly and worried that I was on the verge of completely losing control of my bladder at night forever. The reality, as usual, seems to be somewhere in between.
The last couple of years have not been entirely without changes for the better, though. Mainly, I feel like (thanks largely to being able to talk to supportive people on places like DS) I can look at my bedwetting as more "normal" than I have in the past, or at least not something that inspires quite as much shame or fear as it has in the past. And as a result of that (and most significantly of all) I feel like I have been able to look at my bedwetting with a clearer and more objective mind than I ever have before. When it's not so emotionally devastating I can look at the "big picture" of how it's affecting my life - and what I can do about it - much more clearly. And it's becoming clear to me that in order to cope with this problem effectively, I have a decision to make about how I am going to handle it in the future.
Needless to say, as I've talked to people here and other places I've been getting a lot of advice about what to do. It's interesting to me how the advice mostly seems to go in two different directions. (I have some theories about why that is but that's kind of beside the point.) Bottom line, though, I think both sides have some valid points to make, and I'm becoming increasingly aware that for my long term mental and emotional health it will probably be best for me to move in one of two directions. Right now it feels like I am kind of "sitting on the fence" between two options and I think that is contributing to a lot of my present anxiety, because I keep wavering back and forth between one course of action and the other. So, I feel like the task before me at this stage of my life is to choose one or the other. I realize that there are probably other options or variations on options that I'm not considering (and I am more than willing to hear others' ideas on what the options are!) but as of right now, I feel like I need to decide to move in one of these two directions:
1. "ACCEPT AND EMBRACE" - This is by far the predominant advice I get from bedwetting groups here and elsewhere, and it has some positives to it. Basically, the idea is to accept that bedwetting is always going to be a part of my life (which, in all honestly, at 34 years old it probably is) and just stop fighting with it - that is, stop wasting energy trying to prevent or minimize its happening, and just "go with the flow", no pun intended. :) Practically, that would mean just making a habit of wearing pullups to bed every night, drinking whatever I want to drink, and just not worrying about whether I wet or not. When I wake up in the morning, just take care of the pullup one way or the other (toss it if wet, back in the drawer if dry), shower and get on with my day. Since I'm wearing them every night there won't be any worrying over the decision whether to wear them or not, and there won't be any worrying about whether to have that last glass of water before bed or not - I'll just do what's comfortable, get ready for bed, and if I wet, I wet. If I wake up in the middle of the night I can still go to the bathroom and pee, but there's no pressure to do so if I feel like it will be too much of a disruption to my sleep.
Although it's not totally necessary, I could also extend this philosophy into the daytime into times when I have the occasional worries about my bladder - long meetings, movie theaters, airplanes, etc. Rather than restricting my fluids and making sure to use the bathroom religiously in order to get through those times, I could just drink when I want, use the bathroom when I feel the need, and not ever have to worry about being caught away. Obviously I would still use the bathroom whenever it was reasonably possible, but I would no longer have to be concerned with the last minute dash halfway down an airport terminal before boarding a plane, and I could drink whatever I wanted while flying, seeing a movie, etc. (and no longer have to dehydrate myself) without having to worry whether my bladder would make it or not. The vast majority of the time there would still be no need for me to wear a pullup (assuming things stay as they are now) but whenever I was in any doubt, I would wear one and remove the doubt. Then I could just get on with life and NEVER have to worry about my bladder - I would be free to drink when I wanted, use the bathroom when I could, and have no worries about any embarrassing accidents.
(I'll get to the specific advantages and disadvantages of each of these approaches later. For now, here is approach #2:)
2. "TOLERATE AND MOVE ON" - This is the advice I most often get from my friends who don't wet the bed themselves, but are able to look on the situation as "outsiders" and I trust their input greatly (because, as it may go without saying, I don't make a habit of talking about my bedwetting to just anyone!). Again, this approach involves accepting that bedwetting is always going to be part of my life - that much, I think, is going to be necessary to whatever I choose to do. But rather than resigning myself to wear pullups all the time, I would simply decide to view my bedwetting as a minor medical issue, and make minor adjustments to cope with it without giving in to it entirely. In other words, I would continue taking *reasonable* precautions to try to keep myself from wetting each night - I would continue to *reasonably* restrict my fluid intake in the evening (without being totally enslaved by it), continue to make a point of emptying my bladder as the last thing before bed. I would do these things not because I was worried about wetting the bed, but simply to satisfy myself that I was doing everything in my control to manage it... and if I wake up wet, I change the sheets and move on with my day knowing that I have done my best. I accept that it will happen once in awhile, but recognize the benefit to my physical and mental health of doing the best I can to keep control of my bladder as much as possible. I rarely or never wear pullups to bed. Washing the sheets is not that big a deal to me, I've done it my whole life, and going to bed without pullups keeps me firmly rooted in the mindset that my goal is still to be dry as much as I possibly can. I may still use pullups when I am traveling to make sure that I don't wet someone else's bed, but I don't need them at home and am perfectly content to wash the sheets when needed, and enjoy the feeling of a dry bed the majority of the time.
During the day, I would simply have to accept that there will be certain situations in which having a small bladder will make things uncomfortable for me. I don't need to beat myself up about it, because everybody has little things about their bodies that require them to take annoying or uncomfortable steps, whether it's allergies, diabetes or any of a million other conditions. I just keep doing what I'm doing - accept that I won't always have that bottle of water when I am thirsty out in public, and that I will have to duck into the bathroom more often than most people, even "just to be safe" when I don't feel like I need to go - and keep my head up knowing that it's just playing the hand I've been dealt with the way my body is. I haven't had an accident in public in 20 years and there is no reason to worry that I will anytime soon. I'd like to get to the place where even if I did have an accident, I could just laugh it off and those who care about me would laugh with me - but based on empirical evidence of the last 20 years, I don't need to be paralyzed with fear of the possibility of that happening.
...
So that's kind of where I am at the moment. Well, right now I kind of feel like I am caught between these two positions, not sure which way I want to go... and I feel like if I just settled on one or the other, it would vastly reduce my stress level because I would know what my course of action was going to be, and all I would need to do would be to simply stick to my chosen course and keep my chin up. So the question is, which way am I going to go?
I'm NOT especially writing this to ask you all for advice on what I "should" do - I say this without meaning any disrespect at all, but for most of my friends on here, I already know which of these you would advise me to do. It's not that I don't appreciate your advice, but this is my life and not something I can afford to allow to be dictated by majority vote. Later on I'll be writing more to process the advantages and disadvantages of each of these options. What I AM hoping to accomplish by writing this is to organize my thoughts, coherently describe for myself the problem that I am facing, and help equip myself to make a decision that is right for me - regardless of whether that decision would be right for anyone else, or not. If you understand what I am saying here, and if you happen to have any thoughts or observations I may have missed that would help me to gain more insight or clarity on any of this - I would love to hear from you. :)
If you've read this far, thank you!! I appreciate your bearing with me as I try to sort through this. If you have any thoughts you'd like to share, I'd be very glad to hear from you.
The last couple of years have not been entirely without changes for the better, though. Mainly, I feel like (thanks largely to being able to talk to supportive people on places like DS) I can look at my bedwetting as more "normal" than I have in the past, or at least not something that inspires quite as much shame or fear as it has in the past. And as a result of that (and most significantly of all) I feel like I have been able to look at my bedwetting with a clearer and more objective mind than I ever have before. When it's not so emotionally devastating I can look at the "big picture" of how it's affecting my life - and what I can do about it - much more clearly. And it's becoming clear to me that in order to cope with this problem effectively, I have a decision to make about how I am going to handle it in the future.
Needless to say, as I've talked to people here and other places I've been getting a lot of advice about what to do. It's interesting to me how the advice mostly seems to go in two different directions. (I have some theories about why that is but that's kind of beside the point.) Bottom line, though, I think both sides have some valid points to make, and I'm becoming increasingly aware that for my long term mental and emotional health it will probably be best for me to move in one of two directions. Right now it feels like I am kind of "sitting on the fence" between two options and I think that is contributing to a lot of my present anxiety, because I keep wavering back and forth between one course of action and the other. So, I feel like the task before me at this stage of my life is to choose one or the other. I realize that there are probably other options or variations on options that I'm not considering (and I am more than willing to hear others' ideas on what the options are!) but as of right now, I feel like I need to decide to move in one of these two directions:
1. "ACCEPT AND EMBRACE" - This is by far the predominant advice I get from bedwetting groups here and elsewhere, and it has some positives to it. Basically, the idea is to accept that bedwetting is always going to be a part of my life (which, in all honestly, at 34 years old it probably is) and just stop fighting with it - that is, stop wasting energy trying to prevent or minimize its happening, and just "go with the flow", no pun intended. :) Practically, that would mean just making a habit of wearing pullups to bed every night, drinking whatever I want to drink, and just not worrying about whether I wet or not. When I wake up in the morning, just take care of the pullup one way or the other (toss it if wet, back in the drawer if dry), shower and get on with my day. Since I'm wearing them every night there won't be any worrying over the decision whether to wear them or not, and there won't be any worrying about whether to have that last glass of water before bed or not - I'll just do what's comfortable, get ready for bed, and if I wet, I wet. If I wake up in the middle of the night I can still go to the bathroom and pee, but there's no pressure to do so if I feel like it will be too much of a disruption to my sleep.
Although it's not totally necessary, I could also extend this philosophy into the daytime into times when I have the occasional worries about my bladder - long meetings, movie theaters, airplanes, etc. Rather than restricting my fluids and making sure to use the bathroom religiously in order to get through those times, I could just drink when I want, use the bathroom when I feel the need, and not ever have to worry about being caught away. Obviously I would still use the bathroom whenever it was reasonably possible, but I would no longer have to be concerned with the last minute dash halfway down an airport terminal before boarding a plane, and I could drink whatever I wanted while flying, seeing a movie, etc. (and no longer have to dehydrate myself) without having to worry whether my bladder would make it or not. The vast majority of the time there would still be no need for me to wear a pullup (assuming things stay as they are now) but whenever I was in any doubt, I would wear one and remove the doubt. Then I could just get on with life and NEVER have to worry about my bladder - I would be free to drink when I wanted, use the bathroom when I could, and have no worries about any embarrassing accidents.
(I'll get to the specific advantages and disadvantages of each of these approaches later. For now, here is approach #2:)
2. "TOLERATE AND MOVE ON" - This is the advice I most often get from my friends who don't wet the bed themselves, but are able to look on the situation as "outsiders" and I trust their input greatly (because, as it may go without saying, I don't make a habit of talking about my bedwetting to just anyone!). Again, this approach involves accepting that bedwetting is always going to be part of my life - that much, I think, is going to be necessary to whatever I choose to do. But rather than resigning myself to wear pullups all the time, I would simply decide to view my bedwetting as a minor medical issue, and make minor adjustments to cope with it without giving in to it entirely. In other words, I would continue taking *reasonable* precautions to try to keep myself from wetting each night - I would continue to *reasonably* restrict my fluid intake in the evening (without being totally enslaved by it), continue to make a point of emptying my bladder as the last thing before bed. I would do these things not because I was worried about wetting the bed, but simply to satisfy myself that I was doing everything in my control to manage it... and if I wake up wet, I change the sheets and move on with my day knowing that I have done my best. I accept that it will happen once in awhile, but recognize the benefit to my physical and mental health of doing the best I can to keep control of my bladder as much as possible. I rarely or never wear pullups to bed. Washing the sheets is not that big a deal to me, I've done it my whole life, and going to bed without pullups keeps me firmly rooted in the mindset that my goal is still to be dry as much as I possibly can. I may still use pullups when I am traveling to make sure that I don't wet someone else's bed, but I don't need them at home and am perfectly content to wash the sheets when needed, and enjoy the feeling of a dry bed the majority of the time.
During the day, I would simply have to accept that there will be certain situations in which having a small bladder will make things uncomfortable for me. I don't need to beat myself up about it, because everybody has little things about their bodies that require them to take annoying or uncomfortable steps, whether it's allergies, diabetes or any of a million other conditions. I just keep doing what I'm doing - accept that I won't always have that bottle of water when I am thirsty out in public, and that I will have to duck into the bathroom more often than most people, even "just to be safe" when I don't feel like I need to go - and keep my head up knowing that it's just playing the hand I've been dealt with the way my body is. I haven't had an accident in public in 20 years and there is no reason to worry that I will anytime soon. I'd like to get to the place where even if I did have an accident, I could just laugh it off and those who care about me would laugh with me - but based on empirical evidence of the last 20 years, I don't need to be paralyzed with fear of the possibility of that happening.
...
So that's kind of where I am at the moment. Well, right now I kind of feel like I am caught between these two positions, not sure which way I want to go... and I feel like if I just settled on one or the other, it would vastly reduce my stress level because I would know what my course of action was going to be, and all I would need to do would be to simply stick to my chosen course and keep my chin up. So the question is, which way am I going to go?
I'm NOT especially writing this to ask you all for advice on what I "should" do - I say this without meaning any disrespect at all, but for most of my friends on here, I already know which of these you would advise me to do. It's not that I don't appreciate your advice, but this is my life and not something I can afford to allow to be dictated by majority vote. Later on I'll be writing more to process the advantages and disadvantages of each of these options. What I AM hoping to accomplish by writing this is to organize my thoughts, coherently describe for myself the problem that I am facing, and help equip myself to make a decision that is right for me - regardless of whether that decision would be right for anyone else, or not. If you understand what I am saying here, and if you happen to have any thoughts or observations I may have missed that would help me to gain more insight or clarity on any of this - I would love to hear from you. :)
If you've read this far, thank you!! I appreciate your bearing with me as I try to sort through this. If you have any thoughts you'd like to share, I'd be very glad to hear from you.
Replies
While it is not my place to tell you what to do, what you are describing has parallels with other medical conditions. There is a debate over autism about whether to \"cure\" it or accept it, and the same is true about deafness. It\'s the debate between an ideal and a reality, and where you want to fit in that spectrum.
Likewise, I would not endeavor to tell you which choice is best for you. For me, I decided to accept my problem some time ago (although I think my issue was possibly more frequent). The only thing I would caution about is - since I started wearing diapers every night (a few years ago), I have gone from usually wet to ALWAYS wet. Presumably, because of habits and lack of concern. Just a thought to consider.
Yes, thank you both for the thoughts! And yes, the concern of usually wet -> always wet is well noted, and probably the main reason I haven\'t switched over to wearing pullups every night before now. When I do wear them every night for an extended period I start waking up to use the bathroom much less often, and sleeping through and wetting much more often. I just have to decide if I am ok with that, or if the minor annoyances that come with wet sheets and middle of the night bathroom trips are worth it to keep myself as an occasional bedwetter instead of a nightly one. Putting my thoughts to paper has really helped crystallize things. Thanks again to both of you for your input!
\"High Five\" for a useful discernement analysis - for yourself and others.
Thanks - this is all very helpful - I think that for me a combination of both approaches is right(but not saying this would be right for others) - coping and not worrying on one hand by managing the \"symptom\" as well as possible but always keeping on the look out for opportuntiies to increase control