my baby

keeping myself extremely busy around the house is the only thing that im able to do to keep my mind busy. the second i have a moment to myself, i break down.  today i walked into my moms room to feed the bird and right there was the calender my mom and i circled when i was expecting josh...december 12. i remember so well that day we did it. i was in my moms room about 3 months pregnant...getting that lil belly. my mom insisted on taking picutures of my belly so we could do it every month..even though i knew i looked horrid that day. we took pictures (which i am so grateful we did), talked about how excited we were for this baby to come into our lives. my mom jumped up and grabbed the calender and circled dec. 12 all excitedly. it was such a happy time. now all i associate december with is cold, hate, anger, resentment. when it should of been filled with joy, life, the coo's of my baby boy.  seeing that calender broke my heart. i wanted to rip it in a million peices. today i think i scrubbed everything in this house that could possible be cleaned. i must of spent 6 hours straight cleaning. finally i sat down and just bawled my eyes out looking at josh's photo. i couldnt stand the pain so i went right back to cleaning...things i already even cleaned. im empty. i SHOULD be waking up at crazy hours to feed josh because he's crying, holding him in my arms, making him smile, having him see all the amazing things this world has to offer, playing, giving him kisses...my life has changed.not for the better.i miss him so much.he was just a baby...so innocent, so beautiful. he did nothing to deserve to die. i wish i could of given my life for his.  people think that i am so strong about this, it's only because i dont talk about it. i wish i could talk about it, im scared that people are going to think that all i want is pity. its not that AT ALL.  if people only knew how i really felt inside. how i wish that that day in the hospital when he was born, and how i almost died after having him..that i wish that i would of died with him. so i could have the chance of being where he is.