My apologies
Good morning all. Today is a new day, a new start, and a fresh beginning. So that is how I am going to take today.
I apologize to all of those that I made uncomfortable, frustrated, angry, upset, ticked off, and uncared for. It is not acceptable for me to make you feel that way. The only person that I should be angry with is myself. I did what I did to myself, no one else caused me to do it or had anything to do with it. While I slept last night all my dreams were of me being put in each and every one of you's shoes. About looking at what happened from another person's view. This is probably the first time (and one of the very few times) that I can actually say that I am truly sorry. I usually don't take the time to see how it affects others, but considering it was part of my dreams last night...that means something. So I am sorry.
I did not maen to put people through this, I did not realize at the time of me writing and explaining things that it was going to hurt others. That did not even cross my mind. I did not do what I did on thursday night to get back at people, piss people off, or try to make people comfort me or feel bad for me. At the time it seemed like I was having two honestly unharmful drinks. Never did I put two and two together. I don't honestly remember if I took the meds with the drink or if I took it before/after with water/soda etc. I think I said I took it with it because I wanted to make myself feel less at fault for being so fucked up yesterday. It was something to easily blame my drunkedness on. I have done it in the past too. It's never been that bad the next day, but in order to feel better about being so fucked up after drinking I blame it on a change in medication or something. I have even blamed being sick on a change in medication when I really just purged on my own. You know...this just makes myself seem so much worse I think. I can pretend to blame it on whatever I want to- but in reality the only person I can blame it on is myself. And I do recognize that.
I learned a big lesson from yesterday...a lesson that I will never forget. Just like the time when I refused to take any of my meds for a few days in a row...just like the time I overdosed on a medication...After feeling like complete shit for days after, I learned the hard way and never did it again. Why do I keep doing things like this. Why do I push myself to learn the hardway. Why don't I just say...hmm, that's probably not a good idea...I shouldn't do that. There is no filter in my brain. I just go and do things. what the hell?
Moving on...I can't take back actions from the past, but I can focus on the present and future to improve on things. I woke up this morning and knew that I needed to eat. I started planning out the day to see what I could do to make up some ground. I was just thinking of saying that I did not weigh myself....but i did. there is no point in lying. It's not going to get me anywhere. I weighed myself and actually freaked. There was not a single good feeling in my body. I know it's mainly because I am so dehydrated, but also losing almost a complete day of food also plays a role. At first I thought of all the ways that I am screwed etc. Then said, that's not oging to get me anywhere...so I tried figureing out what I needed to do to make up as much as I could. I just finished a breakfast (without measuring or weighing) but eyeballing it and making it twice as much as usual. I even added a boost. Of course there is no way in hell that I like doing this, and I feel extremely sick to my stomach- but I have to. I am not going to be put back more than I already am.
I am started to see the fear in other people's eyes. I need to stop losing and get healthier for them. But then I'm not doing it for myself. So how will I be able to do it for myself? Will I ever? Clearly by following what my brain thinks and wants I am just hurting others. Which in turn shows everyone that I don't give a flying fuck about them. It's all confusing in my head. I have been told that I need to get better for myself and I need to want it. That I can't just do it for others. But at the same time if I don't want or care about getting better and so I don't do it, then I am making others feel that I don't give a shit about them. So I'm supposed to get better for myself, but also get better for others. It makes sense- but it doesn't make sense if I don't want it. But I don't want to hurt others. Ahhh. So okay...I have been eating better and people see me and then they feel better. But I don't want to...but i do for them. Will I just eventually as I eat more start to care more about myself? Is that how it works? Or am I going to just keep going through life like this- eating for other people so they are not worried about me? If I will eventually become okay with it and actually want to do it then it is totally worth it right now.
I don't even know what I'm saying right now. My mind is so tangled up I don't feel like what I was just writing makes sense. It makes coplete sense in my head...but now that I write it down....the words just don't come out right.
I am sorry again- I wish I could take back time.
I apologize to all of those that I made uncomfortable, frustrated, angry, upset, ticked off, and uncared for. It is not acceptable for me to make you feel that way. The only person that I should be angry with is myself. I did what I did to myself, no one else caused me to do it or had anything to do with it. While I slept last night all my dreams were of me being put in each and every one of you's shoes. About looking at what happened from another person's view. This is probably the first time (and one of the very few times) that I can actually say that I am truly sorry. I usually don't take the time to see how it affects others, but considering it was part of my dreams last night...that means something. So I am sorry.
I did not maen to put people through this, I did not realize at the time of me writing and explaining things that it was going to hurt others. That did not even cross my mind. I did not do what I did on thursday night to get back at people, piss people off, or try to make people comfort me or feel bad for me. At the time it seemed like I was having two honestly unharmful drinks. Never did I put two and two together. I don't honestly remember if I took the meds with the drink or if I took it before/after with water/soda etc. I think I said I took it with it because I wanted to make myself feel less at fault for being so fucked up yesterday. It was something to easily blame my drunkedness on. I have done it in the past too. It's never been that bad the next day, but in order to feel better about being so fucked up after drinking I blame it on a change in medication or something. I have even blamed being sick on a change in medication when I really just purged on my own. You know...this just makes myself seem so much worse I think. I can pretend to blame it on whatever I want to- but in reality the only person I can blame it on is myself. And I do recognize that.
I learned a big lesson from yesterday...a lesson that I will never forget. Just like the time when I refused to take any of my meds for a few days in a row...just like the time I overdosed on a medication...After feeling like complete shit for days after, I learned the hard way and never did it again. Why do I keep doing things like this. Why do I push myself to learn the hardway. Why don't I just say...hmm, that's probably not a good idea...I shouldn't do that. There is no filter in my brain. I just go and do things. what the hell?
Moving on...I can't take back actions from the past, but I can focus on the present and future to improve on things. I woke up this morning and knew that I needed to eat. I started planning out the day to see what I could do to make up some ground. I was just thinking of saying that I did not weigh myself....but i did. there is no point in lying. It's not going to get me anywhere. I weighed myself and actually freaked. There was not a single good feeling in my body. I know it's mainly because I am so dehydrated, but also losing almost a complete day of food also plays a role. At first I thought of all the ways that I am screwed etc. Then said, that's not oging to get me anywhere...so I tried figureing out what I needed to do to make up as much as I could. I just finished a breakfast (without measuring or weighing) but eyeballing it and making it twice as much as usual. I even added a boost. Of course there is no way in hell that I like doing this, and I feel extremely sick to my stomach- but I have to. I am not going to be put back more than I already am.
I am started to see the fear in other people's eyes. I need to stop losing and get healthier for them. But then I'm not doing it for myself. So how will I be able to do it for myself? Will I ever? Clearly by following what my brain thinks and wants I am just hurting others. Which in turn shows everyone that I don't give a flying fuck about them. It's all confusing in my head. I have been told that I need to get better for myself and I need to want it. That I can't just do it for others. But at the same time if I don't want or care about getting better and so I don't do it, then I am making others feel that I don't give a shit about them. So I'm supposed to get better for myself, but also get better for others. It makes sense- but it doesn't make sense if I don't want it. But I don't want to hurt others. Ahhh. So okay...I have been eating better and people see me and then they feel better. But I don't want to...but i do for them. Will I just eventually as I eat more start to care more about myself? Is that how it works? Or am I going to just keep going through life like this- eating for other people so they are not worried about me? If I will eventually become okay with it and actually want to do it then it is totally worth it right now.
I don't even know what I'm saying right now. My mind is so tangled up I don't feel like what I was just writing makes sense. It makes coplete sense in my head...but now that I write it down....the words just don't come out right.
I am sorry again- I wish I could take back time.
Replies
I so understand your feelings of not wanting to hurt others. To have this constant battle inside about \"what do I do?\" Where am I in this, where are the people I love in this and where are other people in this? The guilt that comes with knowing that one is hurting others. When I had opportunities for help I did not use them productively. Now I have no help, I wished I\'d used the opportunities I had and have now lost. There are no clear answers. You need to see the value in you and realise you don\'t want to live the rest of your life like this. I see your desperation and hope that there will be some sunshine in the rain. Take care.
Thank you. It\'s so hard not knowing/realizing the value in myself. I know I don\'t want to live my life like this. I have realized a lot today just laying around. I just hope that some of the things stick. One thing- I only have a year til my wedding and I can not look like this. I don\'t want to look back at pictures and see how terrible I look.
It\'s all good Steff. I know how you sometimes lose it and you know how I get frustrated and worried with you. It\'s all with love.
Good job on starting of the day with a good breakfast and a good attitude. And you know if you can\'t get better for yourself that\'s alright for now, do it for Carlos. And you being important to yourself will come later. I struggle with this all the time.
I am actually having a great day Karin! I did well with breakfast, have had TWO supplements and a really good lunch. I\'m actually very proud of myself :) I never am so this is realllllly weird. And I even talked for a very long time with a friend- I am in such a good mood right now. I am actually happy and smiling- this is so un natural.
this makes me happy and you stay unnatural for quite some time
lol I hope so actually- you should get on FB so we can chat...ps my chat thing on here disappeard! wtf?
why don\'t you give DS a piece of your mind about that - good anger release
HAHA great Idea...i\'ll do that later!!!
Try writing down these good thoughts, ideas and feelings. Then try and look back at them when things are really tough.
Good Idea! I have everything written in my hard copy journal- I think i\'m going to go back and highlight the postivies/good things so I can easily find them...actually, maybe i\'ll do that for my entire journal! Whenever I see something postive/good I\'ll highlight it!!!
You go girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!