My 50th day of Freedom

My battle to keep my current record without SI is the hardest I have ever been in. I have this need for control, peace, stability, and foster care does not lend to such needs. You want control? Sorry, the judge makes all the decisions. You want peace? Sorry, the flashbacks restrict peace from reaching its way into my soul. You want stability? Sorry, you are too old to be adopted, too young to be on your own, not really belonging anywhere. So far so good though. Over seven weeks have passed. 50 days to be exact. I'm working really hard. I don't want to die accidentally. I don't want to go over the edge like last time and try to kill myself. I don't want to spend another 11 days in the hospital. I want to be free.  I never realized how hard it is to focus on taking care of myself. I am proud of myself for eating three times today plus a snack though. It's hard to eat so much food. I am just a small person, raised on one meal a day if that. I really want to be a normal weight though. I want to gain those ten pounds.  Today I didn't really feel the need to cry. This lump in my throat from fighting urges all day has prevented that. Just being more honest about my feelings though will count as furthering my goal. I am trying not to hide under the gauze bandages and shoelaces tied around my thigh anymore.