My 10 Steps of Mourning (So Far)
I am at the 7 1/2 month mark after the death of my husband and feeling over-all as if I am making good progess. There are 10 steps that I have encountered on this journey so far. Some are unique to my situation, but others seem to be typical for most widowed people I have talked with. 1. The heartbreak of having to decide to let him go rather than prolonging his life with machines. 2. The intense pain and nubmness I felt those first few days after his death where just getting through the day, the week, took every ounce of strength I had. I just kept putting one foot in the front of the other, not knowing where I was going. 3. The temporary, surprising loss of faith. Wondering if what I had belived all my life about God was true, and wondering if I was really going to be with my husband again. 4. The loss of my best friend. Missing his insight, humor, support. Knowing there is no one else in the world that I related to the way I did to him. 5. The loss of the person that I loved, made sacrifices for, planned my life around. My reason for living seemed to be gone. 6. The loss of contact with his family and some friends. I seemed to have become invisible to everybody. 7. The resistance of people to talk about my husband, or to allow me to talk about him. He seemed to have become invisible and non-existent. 8. The feeling of being abandoned in the practical matters of life. Facing unemployment, fear of losing my apartment, having to face all the hard times and hard questions all alone! Anger here at being stuck all alone. 9. The roller-coaster of emotions. Just when I have felt good, been able to laugh, been able to see a bright new day, I drop into a deep feeling of sadness and sit an cry and wonder if I will ever level out emotionally. 10. Finding the "new normal" as someone called it. Knowing that Stan's love for me is always with me, has made me the person I am today, and will continue to influence the rest of my life. Looking for a new life to live with confidence.