musing on the muses

I am having a good day so far. Very thankful. 

My thoughts and feelings have turned around from how I felt when I first came home work.

I worked well, so I felt a sense of command from that, but in the background was a growing sense

of dismay for some reason...and then on my trip home

the transition to relating only to myself was challenging....it nearly always is! but c'est la vie!! When I drive

sometimes I look in the mirror just to see if I am still there...as a kind of affirmation.. funny hunh?

When I left work, as I was driving home, my focus shifted all around, I went from down thoughts...

to thoughts of anticipating getting home, careful not to crash and then I finally made it!

I got home and as usual the process of undressing out of my work

clothes is weird, heavy limbs awkwardly shedding of layers and then dressing again into clothes that show

I am a normal person! :) I went about making my lunch. 

I feel I should tell you that on my drive I felt so low at one point, this is where that growing dismay peaked, where I literally said to myself "I have nothing to live for..."

I decided not to listen to that...thank goodness! But now alone at home, my thoughts, I mean my mind, is presented

with extreme and kind of 'existential' observations but rather than shrink from them I am determined to make them positively resolved.

I believe it's important to strive for always finding a solution to, or aiming to solve, problems and barriers in my life rather than passively engaging myself with some mind numbing activity - a burying of my head in pleasure of some kind is something I have done as an answer in the past.

This inspiration to try and create answers came to me yesterday while faced with obstacles I was putting up in my mind.

I decided just not to give in. I like the solution of pleasure at times but zoning out with pleasure is not always what I really want.

I want to create something, I want recognition for what I can achieve and create. I want to be loved in some senses

and I think that's ok and nothing really wrong with that. I realize I can go find that out there in a world that doesn't always seem to call me out from the safety of my apartment. Perhaps though, it's just up to me to find my niche out there...I think I'll start to develop that. :)