music calms the savage beast

my mind churns away at fighting ideas and external input, future responsibilities

and associating and seeks out another to relate to if I am only relating to myself.

Right now that experience, it feels real and it feels more fun and more the reality than

totally being peaceful. After so much experience of the crap they can serve here,

it is seeming kind of comfortable and regular now. Everyone here is very damaged and chooses this way

of refuge and healing (monastic life) for "their way" of dealing with their past and the future maintenance of their lives.

It's different. And it's but one way.... yet now at least, when I am not in my room with others it's

all becoming that way for me too in a greater sense, my choice (for this era of my life).

I understand it now, here and I can weather it. In a lot

of ways it's been so good for me. When I am alone in my room I can get trance-like at the delicious peace

and beauty and calm, with Blue and music and the photos of my friends and family and phone conversations. It's

also imporant now in that I am knowing to keep on project and serving my personal goals and self responsibilities as well.

This has be waylaid as I have been adjust to life here.

I feel as though I am learning that about from the monastery too. The mixed bag of life and

relationships and that everyone is struggling and people become brittle.. but they need to keep

at their work and self and communal responsibilities.

In some ways it indeed is like I am reliving my relationship with my mom here which was complicated.

As I said, I find now that I am in my room that I am so at peace, and when I am outside my

room, at moments of individual focus, the text messages I send to my family and friends a lot,

can get too much and perhaps it is the schizophrenic aspect

of my illness, I think, that creates the aspect of sharing as much as I do. It's a weird thing only in the aspect

that I have looked to my famiy to be my friends too much so. I've responded to that my building my

community here online and in this very monastery. It's provided as safe playroom for me to grow in.

We also are a community of faith - so that even with all the grumblings that come up - we come back

to being a community of faith, in each other and God. We're flawed but we have faith and understanding.

What I share again feels like a mission at times and a compulsion but I can't be blind to what I am actually

doing. Taking a step back is forcing me to ask..."what position am I putting my loved one in?"

I've become circumspect about and more conscious and when appreciated I'm very very much grateful

for the appreciation that comes from it! (jokingly I said to myself about this thought 'they have good taste too!' lol) .

At times when I am out there and having moments for myself I know now I strive for a common shared experience.

It is so desired much of the time and it's part of the grumbling, grinding away

at things that doesn't stop once I have a free moment...it's like my mind turns it on me, it's like

a chew toy or a horse's chomping at the bit...I can't expect everyone though to respond to the same kind of need

fulfillment that I have....some folks aare hugely strong and independent and individualistic

and their strengths do not lie in the communcal but can shine in other ways. Empathy overall is good stuff

but not everyone can deal with it though. The lucky can deal with it, in my book.

I can get dissapointed when I can't find something communal or relatable in another human being

but I learning to be strong enough in myself to weather that storm and not feel I have to change.

There are some projects here I have for myself here in my celll that I feeling empowered to handle.

I need to save money and my solution for that is that I will reach out to go to things & actions instead of spending freely.

Not sure why I am mentioning that. I just feeling like happy right now, that even though I have made some financial mistakes

recently, I feel positive and enthusiastic about my ability to resolve it! :)

So I am in my room, and yes the music was playing and it calms me 'the savage beast' - I am so grateful

for my room and Blue!