Guess I'm starting to have some good days. At least I had one yesterday and today has been pretty calm, so I know it's possible. It's hard to hold on. I'm trying to stop myself from going through all the mc websites and beating myself up with all the what-ifs and could-have-beens.  I hope I'm learning to accept. Accept what happened, what I can't change. Accept that I will be sad, lonely, guilty, angry, and afraid at times(hopefully not all at once) and I'll be ok, smiling, laughing and normal sometimes --- and give myself permission to be ok and not to be ok.
I want to feel like me again, but I think what that means will be different from now on. On one side I feel like I've lost something of who I was - maybe you could call it my "innocence". But while it hurts to think there's anything positive that could come out of this, I've discovered so much compassion for everyone... I've stepped into this whole world and community of pain that everyone is carrying( and not just mc)... I was lucky I guess that I never experienced the loss of a loved one before. I'm rambling, but I'm trying to say my eyes have opened and I feel like a more loving and compassionate person now. What a wonderful thing, if that could be my baby's legacy to me?



So true about stepping into that world. I definitely lost my sense of innocence and that I was guarunteed to have things go well because they \"just always had.\" I don\'t think I ever consciously thought that, but I know I must have assumed that subconsciously. It\'s amazing when you realize what other people are carrying. Can definitely relate, and I say that it\'s my son\'s legacy to me. I used to faciliate a support group for young adults with cancer and I could intellectually understand what they were going through but not ever on that personal, in your gut, know beyond knowing way. I\'ve realized that you really can\'t find that depth of compassion without walking the dark road that others have walked.