murmurs

I am home from the office now. Didn't get too much done. I had a hard time focusing

and I feel bad about asking to be paid for my time. But I know I did some work - and

my Stepmom urges me that, it is "OK."

I find myself struggling to know what I want - rather than to know how I fit in. I am very much like

a house cat I need to get outdoors a little more. Though if I were really to take the reigns of what I want, it would take an effort

that I don't know if I could manifest. 
I think we are all struggling to manage our insides and the outside realities. My penchant for living 

in my own little world is very much about me dealing with things in a prophylactic way.
I have to face up to dealing with the harsh moments - even if just the unsettling moments

and keep on my path. I think I am doing an ok job for me. But in other aspects I do spend a lot of time,

too much time in managing my emotions... I don't get enough mental bandwidth to keep on goals, develop goals

or have the energy (and will)...but I am trying.

I know no one can 'save me' - and yet I can have a support circle to ease each others' minds as I cope day to day.

Today I completely unraveled while at the market job in the early morning. I felt like a child and afraid of so much.

Tired and weary too. I just kept at the job and I know that's all I can do. I am tempted to call in sick tomorrow - but not

good. 

I wish I had tons of money to create the world that I want for me and my family. They are all fine and doing well - but

part of me wants to A) give them a sense of insurance about their lives and my own and B) I'd like to be a part of the party I see

so much of going on in the day to day lives I see on TV.

Honestly though, (switching gears) I am starting to appreciate my individual fate in life - individual fate and ownership

of my life. It, my life, may be small, I may be solitary -but I am so grateful for my friends here and my family and relatives... I see so much that we are all dealing individually with the uniqueness

of our lives and the common bond - the journey and humanity - is what we share. I feel a little beaten up and tired but

I know I must 'save myself' (that phrase is in my mind) and/or work out how to step one foot in front of the other, take pride and acceptance in my life. I can do that. I am doing that.

Even the lives we think are stellar has shit in them? I've heard it said that only 10% of people who seem happy, actually are...It's a funny thought. Ah well. Sending good vibes - and good kharma. Peace!