moving on, but not
Started sorting through drawers and boxes and such in preparation of moving. God is this hard. There is the Leslie stuff--right now most of that is on the surface--photos, her poetry, but I am also finding little reminders--one of a pair of two different pair of earrings she made with owls. One was mine, the other was hers. Hers she lost when she was here one day and I put it in a drawer meaning to give it to her and forgot. The other was one of a pair she made for me for my birthday last year. Hoping the other will turn up. The apron and potholder I bought her for Christmas one year--painted with a dog that resembles Sawyer in a chef's hat. "The chef is not responsible for dog hair in the food." Somehow that didn't go with her when she moved out.
Also finding reminders of Cliff--SD cards of photos and souvenirs of trips we took together. All the books about Winchester. The children's book we worked on together. The shamrock earrings he brought me back from Ireland back in the 90s. The Claddagh ring he bought for himself on that same trip and gave to me when we first got back together 20 odd years later. All things that used to mean something, now rendered meaningless.
Need to pack this up in two boxes. The Leslie box where I can visit it--the Cliff box sealed and hidden away for when I can relive the memories without the pain.
Been really depressed the past day or two. Crying off and on. Maybe I need to get out-- nowhere really to go. The thought that keeps going through my head--I'll never be OK again.
Well, maybe OK, just on a lesser level. I cannot see me ever being truly happy again.
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Hello, it sure is hard. First our child passes, then we have to go through their things. Heartbreaking.
You will be ok again. Changed yes, but after doing the grief work, letting myself feel what I need to feel, finding ways to honor my son, well these things have brought me to a place of healing that is ongoing. Somehow the joy creeps in through the cracks of despair and learns to coexist with the grief. Look for signs from Leslie. They will comfort you.
Eddie's angelversary is 9/4. After 9 years on this journey I can say that my broken heart is mending. I miss him every day but I've learned to manage the pain and focus on the years I had him earthside. I do have my moments now and then but I ride out the wave and I recover more quickly.
Gentle hugs and love to you and dearest Leslie, Linda
I understand that you feel as if you will never be okay again, yet just as Linda said, you will be. It may feel and look like a vastly different version of okay, yet it will be yours. There are no steps we can skip and each thing you are doing is what it needs to be for today. With your impending move you are facing what many cannot for a while and that's okay too.
For me believing that I "should" be anything other than what I was caused additional pain and sorrow to my already shattered heart. You are doing your best and it will feel and look different with each day. Some days I suspect you may feel like a red, hot mess and other days you might feel a little bit okay for some moments and at other times perhaps you might not even know how you are feeling? I even remember the very first time that I didn't think of my son the moment I opened my eyes and that it was when I was brushing my teeth that I did and a watershed of emotions was mine, because I felt that I was a "horrible" mom to not be thinking of him every single second of my life.
Just BE however you need to BE dear Sue, and my heart remembers vividly looking at my son's belongings and the sorting process you are describing. Smelling everything that I could to hang onto his essence and not even being able to let go of his hockey gear until we moved six years later.
One breath, step and day at a time just as you are facing. My heart is with yours and oh, this just isn't anything a mother should EVER have to face.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart,
XO Joanie