moving forward...
I don't know why - but the weird machine in my mind lead me to conclude
last night that I have a hard time with the dynamic of who I actually am and who
I ought to be. That sense of disappointment inside when I appear to myself
and don't follow through with what would be the good thing to do.
I suppose the social pressure and also who we might impulsively be is something
that I am probably am not alone in. So I went to bed with a kind of new relationship
or an old relationship with my sense of self....and when I woke up - the world seemed
vast, with "ME IN IT" versus me denying myself that sense of enjoyment - because of that knowing that I have a condition...
I spent some extra time in bed and then just started to push forward in the disorganization of home and life.
I folded laundry - and then put dirty clothes in the washer - washed my big sink full of dishes
and then hopped in the shower. I feel like this 'one step in front of the other' is all I can do.
When I woke up this morning - all within me had changed again - and it seemed like I had "new likes and dislikes" - but my study to try and be self responsible and emotionally intelligent is telling me to think on better things.
I don't know what I will do for work - I seem to change so much all the time - even when I finally decide on something then my mind changes again. I will talk to my therapist about this.
Replies
I don't quite believe you when you say you don't know why the weird machine in your head keeps taking you these places. Perhaps to save you the work of finding new questions to quest on?
I think that one foot in front of the other thing is all any of us can do. Even a centipede can only take one step at a time.
Good for you getting things done Marky..... Sometimes our feelings and moods can seem to change on a dime can't they.... I hope that you'll have a good Monday sweets.....xo
Thanks so much you guys!!
I have been thinking about what you said arfie...I feel like since last night, things have been unfolding and evolving within
me... I think they are always doing that to a certain extent - and THAT IS A PROBLEM. I change so much and I think it leaves me feeling disconnected. I feel more in tune with my body now -but my mind feels disconnected emotionally and I just went out to do some errands and I felt hyper aware of the fact that I wasn't connecting people...I think you're right... my mind seeks out a project and maybe that happens for everyone to a certain extent.... and I think we talked about this before in a journal post before that "Indeed it's all in your mind." Sadly though I cannot rely on my mind to be steady and relate to others...
But I think now rather than internally roiling away at thoughts - maybe I can be more outward. The chaos of life is really freaking me out today. Peace and namaste.
Make friends with change. It is the only thing you can count on. ~Chinese proverb
As a questioner, it is all too easy for me to get frustrated when change doesn't happen as quickly or completely as my questions. Attempts to reconcile that imbalance have even spiraled me into psychotic delusion and denial. Making friends with change has required me to let change happen at the speed of life rather than the speed of Arf.
I once had a physics buddy who teased that if the world moved at the speed of Arf, everything on the planet would be flattened by the high speed gravity dynamics.
As much as I would like to goose the world into a higher speed, those itsy bitsy baby steps really do make the surest journey.
thanks Arfie. Those insights are really helpful. Part of me was thinking or trying to think more about structures.. keeping internal and external structures in life.... so that when one changes , you can rely on the other more to get you through..
So today for me it was internal structures changing and I tried to make order and rely on order of the day I usually keep, which then helped me to write lists and so on.... I like your thoughts about accepting change. That helps.
Sounds like a magnificent balancing logic, Mark. The only thing harder than finding a balance is keeping a balance. It is good to have a healthy supply of balancing tools.
Thanks Arfie!!! You rock!!