Mourning my furbaby boy
I lost Spike Friday. I won't recap it here. I've already done that in the Pet Bereavement forum, on myspace, on facebook, orally, & on gothauctions.com. I can't go thru it again. I've been smoking like a fiend & last night (the 1st night I've slept more than an hour since Wed or Thurs) I dreamt of suicide. I won't do it. I know that. But I don't want to start cutting again either. Thankfully, I didn't drink this weekend. I'm constantly nauseated. I've never grieved before in my life, & I never want to. See, this is why I refuse to allow myself to be close to people. Look what happens when I lose an animal. Right now I just want numbness. I don't want to feel this hurt. But nothing will take away the pain w/o also taking away the memories of my sweet boy. I will never allow that. I will NEVER forget him, & I want to honor his memory. That's why I NEED to keep going. He'd want me to. Hell, he stopped me from hurting myself in the past. I need to get groceries now even tho I know when I get home he won't be here to help me put them away like he always did.
Replies
I know how you feel. I\'ve been feeling suicidal in the last couple of months but Rufus leaving has really put that in the front of my mind. He had stopped me from committing suicide on more than one occasion, licking away my tears, convincing me to stick around. I don\'t have anybody who really \"gets me\" or what I\'m going through & now that he\'s gone there won\'t be anybody to tell me that it\'s all alright.
I honestly think that in some ways losing an animal in worse than losing a person in your life. Animals never talk about you behind your back, they love & accept you for exactly who you are, & they are always there when you need them. Rufus was a better friend than any person ever has been to me.
I always want to feel this ache in my heart because I feel like if it stops it means I don\'t care that he\'s not here. I know that it\'s not rational but I\'m just so heartbroken.
I\'m so sorry for the pain you\'re going through. Try to take care of yourself and do some healing. I agree with the above comments about it being worse losing a companion pet (at least in many ways) than a person. Pets give us unconditional love and people just can\'t do that. I have gotten 2 young cats in the months since I lost Jezzie but I\'m having trouble connecting with them the way I did with Jezzie. She was really special. Didn\'t you say that you had another cat? Another one doesn\'t replace the one you lost, but it does help you not feel so alone.
I\'ve loss a lot cats and it does hurt.I\'m still hurting.