Mourning my furbaby boy

I lost Spike Friday.  I won't recap it here.  I've already done that in the Pet Bereavement forum, on myspace, on facebook, orally, & on gothauctions.com.  I can't go thru it again. I've been smoking like a fiend & last night (the 1st night I've slept more than an hour since Wed or Thurs) I dreamt of suicide.  I won't do it.  I know that.  But I don't want to start cutting again either.  Thankfully, I didn't drink this weekend.   I'm constantly nauseated.  I've never grieved before in my life, & I never want to.  See, this is why I refuse to allow myself to be close to people.  Look what happens when I lose an animal.   Right now I just want numbness.  I don't want to feel this hurt.  But nothing will take away the pain w/o also taking away the memories of my sweet boy.  I will never allow that.  I will NEVER forget him, & I want to honor his memory.  That's why I NEED to keep going.  He'd want me to.  Hell, he stopped me from hurting myself in the past. I need to get groceries now even tho I know when I get home he won't be here to help me put them away like he always did.