Mourning and Anger

Why does mourning with anger always happen to me and I take it out on my older brother Don?  He was over for a short visit.  With his Asperger's Syndrome Don doesn't really listen to people.  I know Don doesn't like it when I yell at him.  I don't like people yelling at me either.  Today we were looking at my photo album.  There was a picture of a couple Smokey cut out of his life.  I said to Don they are alcoholics.  He started to question me about it all and it hit a nerve.  I was married to my first husband Gary who was an alcoholic.  Don doubted everything I said to him.  This started to urk me and I started yelling at him.  It is not fair because a person with Asperger's Syndrome doesn't listen to people.  I know that in my heart.  On this particular visit I was really mourning my loss of Smokey, Don hit a nerve in me and I yelled at him about it.  It is not fair to Don.  I want to stop my knee jerk reaction of yelling.  I don't want to do it anymore.  I just don't know how to stop this thing.  I feel so bad afterward which reminds me of people who abuse other people.  My ex-husband Gary was also abusive towards me on top of being an alcoholic.   It usually happens though with me when I am really at a low point of my loss of Smokey.  I was crying and feeling the unbearable pain of my loss of Smokey.  I hope the more I heal the more I stop yelling at my brother Don.  I don't do it as often any more and it is slowly getting better.   I love my brother Don and he can't help he has Asperger's Sydrome.  I know it in my heart of hearts.  It's been 4 months since my loss and I feel unbearably lonely without Smokey.  I miss him so much.  Life doesn't seem to be worth living without Smokey in my life.  At times, I wish I was not here anymore.  Why did God keep me alive?  I don't deserve it and especially when I yell at my brother Don.  I feel I am the lowest of the low like lower than a grain of sand on the beach.  My heart hurts so much.  Why was I the one blessed with life and not Smokey?  Why?  I have a hard time falling asleep and don't want to get out of bed in the morning but I still do.  I hurt so much.  I better go as I am starting to bawl.  Have a good evening as it is almost 9:00 p.m. now