Motivation... or lack thereof.
For some reason, I'm having a really, really, REALLY hard time getting motivated to quit. I've been on a spree that was so bad after a summer of doing pretty well (only really pulling lashes, which is a coup for me), I feel like I might as well just keep at it. Does anyone else ever feel like this? Kinda like when you cheat on a diet and then just think 'hey, why not eat a whole cake and start over tomorrow?'
I think the hardest thing for me is that I honestly can't even remember the last time I had a full head of hair. I think I was 11, but I'm not totally sure. I have had really good periods where I have hair, but some of it is in that awkward short phase... which never lasts long. So I feel like it's hard for me to get motivated to get back to 'normal' for me. I've never been normal.
I just sat here doing homework for about an hour, and i was wearing a bandana and still pulled the whole time. I knew I was doing it. And I just didn't WANT to stop - it felt soooooooooOOOOOOOOOO good. I was getting all the 'right' coarse hairs; and when I'm on a roll like that, why not just keep going? Its' like if your eyebrow is *almost* gone, you might as well just go ahead and pull out everything...
I don't get disgusted with myself like I used to, which I'm worried is a bad thing. Does that mean that I don't really want to quit? That deep down, I'd rather just have this disease and feel good when I pull and accept that I will have to wear makeup and spend 20 minutes every morning coloring in bald spots? I don't know. I dont' know if it's more exhausting hating yourself or just accepting yourself and trying to hide who you really are. I don't like my options, but I REALLY don't like being stared at if I go in public with a bald spot showing.
So right now, I'm not sure what I want. I know everyone on here really wants to quit, and would probably give an arm and a leg to be 'normal'. But honestly? I'm just not sure if I have what it takes, if I can put in the work I know I'll have to in order to do it. And I'm not sure if that says something bad about my character, or if it says something good about my ability to accept that I'm flawed - or both. :-/
I think the hardest thing for me is that I honestly can't even remember the last time I had a full head of hair. I think I was 11, but I'm not totally sure. I have had really good periods where I have hair, but some of it is in that awkward short phase... which never lasts long. So I feel like it's hard for me to get motivated to get back to 'normal' for me. I've never been normal.
I just sat here doing homework for about an hour, and i was wearing a bandana and still pulled the whole time. I knew I was doing it. And I just didn't WANT to stop - it felt soooooooooOOOOOOOOOO good. I was getting all the 'right' coarse hairs; and when I'm on a roll like that, why not just keep going? Its' like if your eyebrow is *almost* gone, you might as well just go ahead and pull out everything...
I don't get disgusted with myself like I used to, which I'm worried is a bad thing. Does that mean that I don't really want to quit? That deep down, I'd rather just have this disease and feel good when I pull and accept that I will have to wear makeup and spend 20 minutes every morning coloring in bald spots? I don't know. I dont' know if it's more exhausting hating yourself or just accepting yourself and trying to hide who you really are. I don't like my options, but I REALLY don't like being stared at if I go in public with a bald spot showing.
So right now, I'm not sure what I want. I know everyone on here really wants to quit, and would probably give an arm and a leg to be 'normal'. But honestly? I'm just not sure if I have what it takes, if I can put in the work I know I'll have to in order to do it. And I'm not sure if that says something bad about my character, or if it says something good about my ability to accept that I'm flawed - or both. :-/
Replies
i think its still possible for you. ive pulled my hair today, but i still think its possible to quit. there have been days when i was younger that it seemed like maybe i was afraid to quit because its been so engrained in my identity. i wouldn\'t be \"claire, the hairpulling fiend,\" i\'d become, \"Claire, who has to learn to think about something else.\" that used to scare me. i\'m not that bothered by it anymore. my hair is much thicker now, and i don\'t have bald spots anymore. when we think we can\'t do something...it doesn\'t say anything bad about our character...it only means we\'re going through a bout of low selfesteem. you feel like giving up because it takes longer to be weened from something than it does to quit cold turkey, which never works anyway.