Mother's Day week

I made it through Mother's Day relatively unscathed. From all the updates I read, I had braced myself. I spent the week leading up to the event venting at my son, Patrick. Is at on my screen porch and imagined myself at his house, out back, where he took his life. I said to him, " Stop...put down the gun.". Softly at first. Then pleadingly..finally, yelling in my best "I mean this voice, " "PUT DOWN THAT GUN!"
After three days of those conversations, something shifted in me. I think what was bothering me the most was the fact that he didn't come to me this time and that I, as his Mom had failed to protect him. So, I did what I would have done if I could have. Now he knows, God knows, all the powers and principalities know and I know. He has now put down the gun and is in a place where he will no longer feel the need to be less than he is. 
I miss his voice and the physicality of him after all, I made that body with my own. But it an absolute fact that I love the new Patrick that can show up when my need is great. I think of a bird that I would like to see, it appears at my feeder. Birds that I haven't seen in a year or more. Songs that heal. Notes from when he was young. All appropriate for the moment. It is amazing to me how when I opened up my eyes to the things unseen, I see them. 
Worship on Mother's Day was the best it had been since my son died, I felt it in my core. I had decided that I would be proactive on this day and make it about others so I wouldn't wallow in myself. A constant effort I might add. So I bought some tulips and met all the Moms at the door. I said Happy Mother's Day so many times that it drove the hurt out of it. If I hadn't done that, I know all those mothers would have been thinking sadly of me and I will not let their joy be mired down in my tragedy. Then after church I drove myself to the pub that my son Dustin was working a double at and said,"Cook me some sweet baby ray fries with a burger on the side..no bread." And he did. He would not have come to me because, I think he cannot bear my pain. So I went to him and just loved on him. I came home and watched movies with my daughter for the rest of the day. Unscathed, but not unchanged.