Mother's Day is coming, OMG!!
Well Mother's Day is coming and I feel like I am not doing better than the first year, the first year I was good after my Mother passed but now "forget about it". My nerves are in my stomach as if she is going to die again. Sigh!
"My experts" tell me not to over think about this however, they go and order flowers for their mothers. Ex. my co-worker has two mothers and too many grandmothers, I cannot remember. So it is easy to say, "don't over think about it". So what exactly am I not suppose to over think, MY MOTHER!! F'ing really!!
Anyway, I am trying to be patient with myself. I cry in the showers and the car ride to work, Idk why only in the morning. They afternoons I am so focused on getting home that I rarely cry, however I do sometime day dream about the day she passed and the event leading up to her death and maybe things we could have done differently. OR SOMETHING!!!
I MISS MY MOTHER, MOTHER'S DAY WAS HER FAVORITE HOLIDAY AND HER BIRTHDAY. I got her the same thing every year, our tradition... panties, bras and slips and maybe sockings. She always complained about not having enough when she was raising us so... I brought them as an adult. NOw I AM BUYING FLOWERS FOR THE GRAVE.
I am not sad because I did not say "I love you or we had a fight and I need forgiveness" I am sad because she is not here with me as my mother and my friend. I need someone to talk some times and my mother would have been that person... someone to tell what is happening to my children and she would have the answer. or someone to talk to about my job friends / co workers and she would have some inputs. Or about me still being single and she would make suggestions. My Mother was my mom and my friend, someone I could call and talk to, rather she said what I wanted to hear or not.
So what would we be doing if she was still here.... My younger sister would be looking for places for us to go for dinner. We would all go to church, dress up nice. I would be running around looking for something decent for the kids to wear for dinner and wondering if I had enough money for the dinner and my gifts. Although, not a surprise I never asked for her sizes. My Mother would probably be getting ready as well, nails and pedicure and hair. She has plenty of dresses so that would not be an issue. She would be telling all of her friends and co-worker that her girls(3) is taking her to "a fancy" restaurant, ooohhh. My baby sister would drive up from Maryland and the fun times will begin. We would take a lot of pictures and have stories to tell at the dinner and later come back to my apartment or hers for "night caps". My sisters would get my Mother something fancy and she would not use it or they would get her something simple that she needs and she would use it. Or both.
Last Mother's Day we got her a computer, because she really needed one and I still got her the traditional underwears. I remember one year we took pictures of us three girls and she wanted to be in the picture. WE never got around to that.... should've.
The other day on my way to work.... I wonder if I could have just one day, ten minutes, one week back with my Mother what would I do? I had SO many ideas and thoughts and plans....but none seemed to be enough!!!??!! A party for all of her friends and family, a private dinner for just me and her(no sisters), ask her important questions about my life, or just hug & kiss her to death, let my children say good-bye. They really didn't because of her sickness... OR JUST SOMETHING!!!
I WANT TO SCREAM AND FIGHT SOMETIMES TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL GOOD BUT I KNOW THAT IT WONT WORK. I AM SAD AND MAD AT THE SAME TIME. I AM SAD BECAUSE SHE IS GONE AND MAD THAT IT HAPPEN SO EARLY, SHE WAS 58. I was looking forward to the older years and wondering which one of us would take care of her(me), np.
So what am I doing to make myself feel "better", well I am writing in here again. My Best friend lost her Mother in 2001 and still is mourning, she lost her father 2012 or 2013. And her Uncle too. So she is unavailable for these sorts of talks. We talk quickly and carefully and move on. And my Uncle just passed Jan. 2014, so my family is very tender about death at this moment. The point is There is no Human to talk to. I am a Christian so talking to Jesus goes without saying, but I am not doing something right because I cannot find any peace with this yet.... Idk how long is too long or long enough. Anyway, this and wine and rest is my remedy for now. And tonight an anxiety pill.
"My experts" tell me not to over think about this however, they go and order flowers for their mothers. Ex. my co-worker has two mothers and too many grandmothers, I cannot remember. So it is easy to say, "don't over think about it". So what exactly am I not suppose to over think, MY MOTHER!! F'ing really!!
Anyway, I am trying to be patient with myself. I cry in the showers and the car ride to work, Idk why only in the morning. They afternoons I am so focused on getting home that I rarely cry, however I do sometime day dream about the day she passed and the event leading up to her death and maybe things we could have done differently. OR SOMETHING!!!
I MISS MY MOTHER, MOTHER'S DAY WAS HER FAVORITE HOLIDAY AND HER BIRTHDAY. I got her the same thing every year, our tradition... panties, bras and slips and maybe sockings. She always complained about not having enough when she was raising us so... I brought them as an adult. NOw I AM BUYING FLOWERS FOR THE GRAVE.
I am not sad because I did not say "I love you or we had a fight and I need forgiveness" I am sad because she is not here with me as my mother and my friend. I need someone to talk some times and my mother would have been that person... someone to tell what is happening to my children and she would have the answer. or someone to talk to about my job friends / co workers and she would have some inputs. Or about me still being single and she would make suggestions. My Mother was my mom and my friend, someone I could call and talk to, rather she said what I wanted to hear or not.
So what would we be doing if she was still here.... My younger sister would be looking for places for us to go for dinner. We would all go to church, dress up nice. I would be running around looking for something decent for the kids to wear for dinner and wondering if I had enough money for the dinner and my gifts. Although, not a surprise I never asked for her sizes. My Mother would probably be getting ready as well, nails and pedicure and hair. She has plenty of dresses so that would not be an issue. She would be telling all of her friends and co-worker that her girls(3) is taking her to "a fancy" restaurant, ooohhh. My baby sister would drive up from Maryland and the fun times will begin. We would take a lot of pictures and have stories to tell at the dinner and later come back to my apartment or hers for "night caps". My sisters would get my Mother something fancy and she would not use it or they would get her something simple that she needs and she would use it. Or both.
Last Mother's Day we got her a computer, because she really needed one and I still got her the traditional underwears. I remember one year we took pictures of us three girls and she wanted to be in the picture. WE never got around to that.... should've.
The other day on my way to work.... I wonder if I could have just one day, ten minutes, one week back with my Mother what would I do? I had SO many ideas and thoughts and plans....but none seemed to be enough!!!??!! A party for all of her friends and family, a private dinner for just me and her(no sisters), ask her important questions about my life, or just hug & kiss her to death, let my children say good-bye. They really didn't because of her sickness... OR JUST SOMETHING!!!
I WANT TO SCREAM AND FIGHT SOMETIMES TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL GOOD BUT I KNOW THAT IT WONT WORK. I AM SAD AND MAD AT THE SAME TIME. I AM SAD BECAUSE SHE IS GONE AND MAD THAT IT HAPPEN SO EARLY, SHE WAS 58. I was looking forward to the older years and wondering which one of us would take care of her(me), np.
So what am I doing to make myself feel "better", well I am writing in here again. My Best friend lost her Mother in 2001 and still is mourning, she lost her father 2012 or 2013. And her Uncle too. So she is unavailable for these sorts of talks. We talk quickly and carefully and move on. And my Uncle just passed Jan. 2014, so my family is very tender about death at this moment. The point is There is no Human to talk to. I am a Christian so talking to Jesus goes without saying, but I am not doing something right because I cannot find any peace with this yet.... Idk how long is too long or long enough. Anyway, this and wine and rest is my remedy for now. And tonight an anxiety pill.
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