morning sings the blues
I'm having some reckoning between two sides of myself.
I found myself doing well with this realization:
"I've definitely learned today that we all 'bring s*it' and that we're not loved only because,
or if, we are perfect. We can bring certain patterns and foibles and yet to keep loving each
other and being there in community for them is where it's at! :)"
It's like I found acceptance and peace in the grace of just imperfection
of myself and everybody around.
I talked to my sister on the phone after that - and I seemed to get
a little turned around. I definitely need to talk to my Doc about why
I feel so messed up.
Is it due to the foggy gloom outside. Or of the weird hours I've kept these
past two days? Is it mere loneliness?
I do wish I had a partner - but I also need to be able to live on my own.
I don't know - I think I need to just give it time.
Sending peace and good vibes out there.
Here's to a good day and good adventuruous week for us!!
Replies
live your beautiful life!
What you say hits home for me. I've spent my entire life trying to be perfect, in order to be loved. I am very accepting of the imperfections of others, but a harsh critic of myself.
As a new friend, I'm stepping into your world, not having knowledge of your history as your other friends do. So, I apologize for things I may write on this journal entry, or others, that do not apply to your life and/or are way off base. Everything you've mentioned - weather, hours, loneliness - could be playing a role in how you feel, but I wonder if it goes deeper than that. What was it about the conversation with your sister that triggered that "turned around" feeling? Do you feel that you must be perfect in order to be accepted by her/others? (Just some questions you might ponder.) In my case, my sister is extremely judgmental and critical (as was my mother), and that triggers my feelings of needing to be perfect to gain acceptance.
I think your realization that we can be loved (and love others) even though we all have our own "stuff" is spot on. Every single one of us is perfectly imperfect, yet deserving of love. However, not everyone *will* love us, because of our (perceived) shortcomings, or perhaps for no particular reason at all. Some will judge, criticize, and reject us. Even those who do love us will not do so perfectly, nor will we always be exemplary in how we love others. So while your realization that we can be loved "as is" is accurate, not everyone wants to live in community, and we have to practice acceptance of that.
Wishing you happiness and peace.
thanks Ladybug! That was really interesting and food for thought!
Happy Monday! Your Monday reflecting is pretty mountainous stuff, but at the core of it - yes, it is perfectly fine to be imperfect. As for having a partner, all of the hopes and dreams of wedded bliss or whatever is ideal in one’s mind does not automatically make for Solutions to loneliness. I’m hopeful and optimistic about that area of life, too….but it’s absolutely essential to be at ease and with the appropriate tools to navigate your own internal complexities…and understand them….before you power into new dynamics of partnership.
Community is powerful to learn ways in being present with things larger than oneself. I look for ways to connect for bigger causes outside of myself so I feel energized to participate in life, but for some, family is all they need. And that is ok, too.
I hope your therapist has good insight as you discuss what happened with talks with sister.
Have a good day and week ahead Marko Polo. May you get one day closer to things you want for the two sides of yourself.
Thanks Nikki!
i theorate that your constant war with yourself is grounded in the dual judgements. good/bad? light/dark?
how 'bout some shades between the extremes?
we're all walking contradictions
partly truth and partly fiction
taking every wrong direction
on our lonely ways back home ~kris kristofferson
Keeping weird hours and not sleeping as usual can make us ill. The weather can do it too. I hope you get to talk to your Doc soon because she seems to be good for you.
Thanks Arfie and Becky!