morning scribbles, have a Happy Tuesday
this is my place to write - but I am super appreciative to you who reads this - I know
I put a lot out there....processing things in writing is something that forces me to
formalize my thoughts rather than have them fleeting only to dissapear into the back of
my mind. I am grateful as well to be able to.
I went down to church this morning to serve.
I was super tired - well groggy - and there's no
allowance to have coffee before I serve or for anyone
for that matter who are planning on having communion.
That's a really hard reality - to submit yourself from things
you really want first thing when you wake. Submitting myself from
all ll things it felt like
today.
So as a result, usually. I wake up slowly as I conduct the liturgy, everyday and today. It sounds
maybe picturesque on the one had - but this morning
I had no connection to the material that I was reciting.
It was unsatisfying perhaps because I was not fully awake.
Whatever the case - it was hard and harrowing...I thought about
my potential part time jobs.
I knew I had an appetite for coffee and for breakfast and for wearing
clothes that I really wanted to wear - vain things, physical things....
and so abstractly I starting dreaming about having something
that I really wanted to do - eat or experience - I wanted "to create" - the idea of it excited me
as I worked along behind altar..
- I searched for something that was the solution - I have a hard time understanding my drivers
outside of just having an overwhelming mood - and so I sussed it out and labeled it as knowing
some kind of appetite within me - then
I boiled it down to wanting something graceful
and not just 'red hot servicing and submission' of self denial to the
service - a place where there is nothing gratifying at times - well sometimes but
especially this morning, it was just painful. Sometimes serving
is beautiful and nice - but I really have been confronted by
the self deprivation of the culture here lately and then the difficulty I have
had affecting personal goals. I have been wanting somehow to overcome
that and have personal goals that I in fact achieve while getting along here.
So I thought about grace and having it for myself and it sparked
creativity within me - It gave me energy - good vibes - and later it turned into a lot of sexual energy (pardon
if that makes you uncomfortable) - I focused on the work.
Overall the thoughts and examination of this, made me aware that I always want something to be proud about -
always something to produce and also to do a good job at (that is how the idea of grace
manifested within me today.) Indeed I do like doing my work well - and that
fact really has come to my mind while living here at the monastery-
It gave me a sense of patience with myself too and forgiveness.
I may be slow to start a project - but if I am going to do something I want to do it well.
I am getting a greater sense of what I am creating and it's impact on others- and what I am
saying too by what I create.
Time to work on job applications...have a good day everyone...!!
Replies
Good day Marky!
I know that you don't want to spend a lot of extra but what about getting a kettle and jar of instant coffee for your room?
I hope that you find a great position sweetie
Blessings sent...xo
The hanks Jan!