Morning mental squeegee
I really wish I could talk to you guys about this - instead of writing it -
I called my therapist the night before last
and I had mentioned on the voicemail that I think I have
so sought out a personal context in my life when I realize
that it is very much a shared context.
That idea helped me a great deal.
And so last night before going to bed - I had a clear head -
I had a lot of energy - and I thought about the things that seemingly
would be a good way to end the day and go to bed.
I thought about sex, I thought about writing a wisdom here or making art.
These three things seemed to be what all that energy would manifest
and resolve.
Then this morning again I was clear minded and yet then my head was looking
for some raison d'être aka reason for living.
I went down to chapel and I turned the idea around as I got on with
chapel set up - I turned the idea around to look at my reaching for clarity -
I started looking at what the people here are living for and as such -
I found myself keeping a sense of living for relationship
or cause or self - I thought about those three things that people live for - that I was living for
instead of having a normative family style -
and I understood here that I am living in relationship with those who don't have family but they are living for themselves and they are living for in relationship to each other in a kind of family - 'for a cause.' This set of thoughts really helped me a great deal
and gave me much peace and sustenance. I have more clarity now, for what I am doing and my sense
of mission, cause, purpose. :)
Replies
Glad for you Mark. Peace is the best thing we can have.
Thanks Becky!
Keep strong everyone ! Keep on keeping on!
things are puzzling but good.
I’ve been sensing that my aunt who I stayed with is one very tough cookie.
She's sweet and kind but also shut down any levity with her leveling
comebacks.
I was sensing like she has animosity about me
but I reached out to her anyway by text- crazy that I am - thinking
that irritation at some point does not define a relationship.
Anyways - what I shared in the text was supposed to be in jest but she
took it to a very serious place and so I was flexible and reassured
her. She didn't say thanks. She didn't respond but her twin sister did -
and as it was meant in jest - she didn't laugh either.
Anyways - my adjusting to her response made me see that I could
adjust for her or anyone to accommodate for what seemed the need of the moment.
That may be just her - and in the following I found more insight you'll see.
That action of adjusting lingered in my head and it finally came to me that she is fighting for
survival and place in life and so are most people - not just me and other men -
but for some reason - seeing that in female form in my aunt just made me
more aware of the fight that's ubiquitous - it was oddly comforting
and helped me focus on my work and relationships there with work and people - and it gave me
great strength. I got my work done - things are good -
I'm home from work now resting in my room. I was lying in bed and realized I was looking
for some cue for the aesthetics around me to tell me what i should be doing - and then
realizing it - came into my mind. Maybe that's called downloading from a long day's activity.
Have a great night,
Peace and thanks for reading,
Mark
between my hearing weirds and my short attention span, you are much better off writing with me. but then, i could read and write at a college level before i could hold a conversation. live conversating remains more effort than it is worth in my case. phones ain't gonna happen. i'm a texting demon, though.
i thought that deep diving into unpredictable places was part of the creative process and the ultimate goal of art. paying attention to the physical components is the hard part for me, too. girl howdy, that is a key ingredient.
Thanks Arfie!