Morning frustrations/ passive aggressive cashier
In the morning...
I want to get high. I don't want it bc I think its going to enhance my life in anyway. It probably won't do that. I feel lazy and shitty and I just don't want to feel that or I want to be okay with feeling that. I think its the latter. I just want to be okay w feeling lazy. I didn't go to church this morning. I feel guilty about that. I woke up feeling very fat. I've binged for the past few days. I don't like myself bc of that. I don't want to not like myself.
In my head- I just feel like if I'm able to just escape one more day then life will become manageable. That isn't the truth. Getting high today won't give me strength tomorrow. But its what's in my head. When I envision smoking weed- that's what I envision. I don't want what it actually makes me feel. I want to feel the way it feels when I'm allowed to have it I want to be allowed to escape reality and not feel for a day. I want that to be possible. That's being said- I'm gonna go about doing what I have to to make today pleasant. I don't know whether I'll smoke today or not.
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Later on....
I have to vent about some stupid bitch I dealt w yesterday at walmart. She was a cashier in a 20 items or less lane. Now admittedly, I had about 40 items- but I had 2 items that I had about 10 of each- so in my head it wasn't so far off from 20. Anyway- she called me on having more than 20 items. And when she did I said "yeah, I'm really sorry about that.". I said it sincerely. She responded "no your not.". She said it in this sickingly nice tone- you know- the one that passive aggressive people use who don't have the actual balls to tell people how they really feel so they say really nasty and hurtful horrible shit to people and then they get to pat themselves on the back and actually convince themselves that they've done nothing wrong bc they didn't yell at the person. That voice. To her nasty comment I said "yes I do". She replied "no you don't"- same voice. So after we went through that repetition once again I said "well, I tried." To that she responds "you know I'm just teasing you right?". NO YOU ARENT YOU NASTY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BITCH. And I actually let her say that to me without checking her!!!! I'm so mad at myself for that. I should have let her know that I knew what she was doing. I walked away from that line and I was the asshole. Oh yeah- and I bought my ma flowers which she (the walmart bitch) put in the bag wrong so they fell on the floor and when they did she made sure to tell me that it was my fault for picking up the bag wrong. Mind you- I didn't say it was her fault. In fact I had already gone about picking them up- I wasnt blaming anyone for them falling.
I get why this particular waste of space upset me. As a rule I loathe passive aggressive people. The logical reason I have for loathing people like that is bc I feel they get a "get out of jail free" card. They get to be as nasty as they want to people and yet they don't open themselves up to immediate consequences- and usually there are no consequences at all bc we live in a society that favors passive aggressive over aggressive behavior. But the benefit of aggressive behavior is that its real. If someone's in your face screaming then you know, they know, and anyone whose watching knows that person it pissed off and their taking their frustration out on you. Whether its right or wrong remains to be seen- depends on the level of aggression and what caused that aggression and if it was in fact caused by the person who is on the receiving end of that aggression. But my point is- in no way is that person who is yelling getting a "get out of jail free" card. Not at all. That's the honest part of it. That person who is yelling is presumed to be the person at fault. That may or may not be the case. But that's the presumption. By yelling that person is saying- here I am- I'm pissed and I'm gonna express it outwardly and let the chips fall where they may- whether its conscious or not, To me that's real and there's a level of respect I have for it. Now with that transaction yesterday- I fucked up and went into the wrong lane- yes- so I deserved the first comment. "Little bit more than 20 items huh?" And she deserved the subsequent sincere apology I gave. Beyond that she took her frustration in life out on me. She acted like I was the biggest piece of shit in the world for going into that lane. Like there was none lower than I- the person w double the allotted amount of items for that lane- and I deserved what ever level of caustic comments said with a big punk ass koolaid smile on. My extra items "drew first blood." I was asking for whatever came my way- I mean COME ON NOW- I did a horrible thing- I accidentally had 39 items instead of 20 and then sincerely apologized for it- damn me to hell for that. Fuck compassion- clearly someone w my level of trespass is a waste of life who deserves what I get.
Now I said at first that the "logical" reason to hate passive aggressive behavior was described above. All of the above mentioned is the reason why I feel justified in my opinion of passive aggressive people. The real reason I hate it that much is my ma's passive aggressive. So was my brother growing up. Guess who was aggressive? That's right- that was me. Guess who was ALWAYS the bad guy- once again- always me. My brother would be behind the scenes doing all sorts of passive aggressive things that he absolutely knew drove me crazy and he would face NO consequences for it- but if I reacted- I was the piece of shit.
Just like that worthless bitch who got to be as nasty as she wanted to me yesterday and I'm more than sure no one but me noticed. I'm sure she tells the story of how she told off the horrible customer w more items then allotted in the checkout line. I'm sure it adds validity to her story of victory over said customer when she brings up that the customer tried to sincerely apologize and she just wasn't having it- not her- bc she's so strong and she just doesn't take shit from anyone! I walked away feeling like a piece of shit. I actually woke up w that feeling. It triggered horrible emotions from my childhood and what consequence did she suffer? None.
Unfair isn't it? I guess that another one of life's little inequities. I am making a promise to myself. The next time someone acts in a passive aggressive way to me I am going to calmly let them know that I know what they're doing. I won't smile- bc that would make me as bad as them- but I'll remain calm when I tell them how shitty they're being.
I want to get high. I don't want it bc I think its going to enhance my life in anyway. It probably won't do that. I feel lazy and shitty and I just don't want to feel that or I want to be okay with feeling that. I think its the latter. I just want to be okay w feeling lazy. I didn't go to church this morning. I feel guilty about that. I woke up feeling very fat. I've binged for the past few days. I don't like myself bc of that. I don't want to not like myself.
In my head- I just feel like if I'm able to just escape one more day then life will become manageable. That isn't the truth. Getting high today won't give me strength tomorrow. But its what's in my head. When I envision smoking weed- that's what I envision. I don't want what it actually makes me feel. I want to feel the way it feels when I'm allowed to have it I want to be allowed to escape reality and not feel for a day. I want that to be possible. That's being said- I'm gonna go about doing what I have to to make today pleasant. I don't know whether I'll smoke today or not.
------------------------------------------
Later on....
I have to vent about some stupid bitch I dealt w yesterday at walmart. She was a cashier in a 20 items or less lane. Now admittedly, I had about 40 items- but I had 2 items that I had about 10 of each- so in my head it wasn't so far off from 20. Anyway- she called me on having more than 20 items. And when she did I said "yeah, I'm really sorry about that.". I said it sincerely. She responded "no your not.". She said it in this sickingly nice tone- you know- the one that passive aggressive people use who don't have the actual balls to tell people how they really feel so they say really nasty and hurtful horrible shit to people and then they get to pat themselves on the back and actually convince themselves that they've done nothing wrong bc they didn't yell at the person. That voice. To her nasty comment I said "yes I do". She replied "no you don't"- same voice. So after we went through that repetition once again I said "well, I tried." To that she responds "you know I'm just teasing you right?". NO YOU ARENT YOU NASTY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BITCH. And I actually let her say that to me without checking her!!!! I'm so mad at myself for that. I should have let her know that I knew what she was doing. I walked away from that line and I was the asshole. Oh yeah- and I bought my ma flowers which she (the walmart bitch) put in the bag wrong so they fell on the floor and when they did she made sure to tell me that it was my fault for picking up the bag wrong. Mind you- I didn't say it was her fault. In fact I had already gone about picking them up- I wasnt blaming anyone for them falling.
I get why this particular waste of space upset me. As a rule I loathe passive aggressive people. The logical reason I have for loathing people like that is bc I feel they get a "get out of jail free" card. They get to be as nasty as they want to people and yet they don't open themselves up to immediate consequences- and usually there are no consequences at all bc we live in a society that favors passive aggressive over aggressive behavior. But the benefit of aggressive behavior is that its real. If someone's in your face screaming then you know, they know, and anyone whose watching knows that person it pissed off and their taking their frustration out on you. Whether its right or wrong remains to be seen- depends on the level of aggression and what caused that aggression and if it was in fact caused by the person who is on the receiving end of that aggression. But my point is- in no way is that person who is yelling getting a "get out of jail free" card. Not at all. That's the honest part of it. That person who is yelling is presumed to be the person at fault. That may or may not be the case. But that's the presumption. By yelling that person is saying- here I am- I'm pissed and I'm gonna express it outwardly and let the chips fall where they may- whether its conscious or not, To me that's real and there's a level of respect I have for it. Now with that transaction yesterday- I fucked up and went into the wrong lane- yes- so I deserved the first comment. "Little bit more than 20 items huh?" And she deserved the subsequent sincere apology I gave. Beyond that she took her frustration in life out on me. She acted like I was the biggest piece of shit in the world for going into that lane. Like there was none lower than I- the person w double the allotted amount of items for that lane- and I deserved what ever level of caustic comments said with a big punk ass koolaid smile on. My extra items "drew first blood." I was asking for whatever came my way- I mean COME ON NOW- I did a horrible thing- I accidentally had 39 items instead of 20 and then sincerely apologized for it- damn me to hell for that. Fuck compassion- clearly someone w my level of trespass is a waste of life who deserves what I get.
Now I said at first that the "logical" reason to hate passive aggressive behavior was described above. All of the above mentioned is the reason why I feel justified in my opinion of passive aggressive people. The real reason I hate it that much is my ma's passive aggressive. So was my brother growing up. Guess who was aggressive? That's right- that was me. Guess who was ALWAYS the bad guy- once again- always me. My brother would be behind the scenes doing all sorts of passive aggressive things that he absolutely knew drove me crazy and he would face NO consequences for it- but if I reacted- I was the piece of shit.
Just like that worthless bitch who got to be as nasty as she wanted to me yesterday and I'm more than sure no one but me noticed. I'm sure she tells the story of how she told off the horrible customer w more items then allotted in the checkout line. I'm sure it adds validity to her story of victory over said customer when she brings up that the customer tried to sincerely apologize and she just wasn't having it- not her- bc she's so strong and she just doesn't take shit from anyone! I walked away feeling like a piece of shit. I actually woke up w that feeling. It triggered horrible emotions from my childhood and what consequence did she suffer? None.
Unfair isn't it? I guess that another one of life's little inequities. I am making a promise to myself. The next time someone acts in a passive aggressive way to me I am going to calmly let them know that I know what they're doing. I won't smile- bc that would make me as bad as them- but I'll remain calm when I tell them how shitty they're being.
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