morning bullshit
I forgive myself for sleeping 8 hours instead of getting up 2 hours ago and going straight to work.
I forgive myself for taking the day to relax yesterday instead of working all day.
I forgive myself for expecting so fucking much of myself
I forgive myself for not loving myself
I forgive myself for repeatedly not including myself on the list of things that are important in my life
I forgive myself for not forgiving mysef
My self loathing runs so fucking deep. Its my default provision- what I go back to if I don't put in work. So then I should just put in the work right? But I don't bc there's a part of me that doesn't believe I deserve success and love and all good things. But on some level I know I do. And I just have to put in work.
I think I'm scared to want and scared to have good things bc growing up whenever I would say out loud that I wanted something my father would keep track and if I didn't get it he would make sure he thru in my face how much I wanted it- so he could make me see what a failure I am. He'd do the same thing when I was happy- he'd go out of his way to bring me down. He'd say stuff like "must be nice". Which was his was of saying- who are you to feel happy when I'm not? He's a sick bastard.
I hung out w my grandma the other night who I absolutely adore. And it hurts me to say this but there are things about her that really really urk me. Like the fact that she has absolutely no self esteem whatsoever- not one bit. She hates herself when she doesn't do things perfectly- not just well- but perfect. She blames everyone else for everything that has happened to everyone- esp my father and my uncle. I love her but I disagree with her and that makes me feel guilty. Like I don't really love someone unless I agree with absolutely everything they say and do.
That's my dad's sick way of viewing life. Every tim I've ever spoken to him about my brother the first thing that comes out of is mouth is some variation of "why didn't you do something to stop it". Sometimes its "don't u talk to him?". He competely fucking negates his responsibility in absolutely everything.
He's horrible. I love him and he'll always be my dad but he's a horrible prick. He's abusive and he's really fucked up my life. I know its on me to change that bc he won't ever. And there's a part of me that resists that bc whenever I am around any member of my dads side of the fam- basically my dad and grandma- I feel like its wrong for me to be independent- like I'm being selfish. Everything for the family. "There all you've got". Like my dad used to say. Mind you he never lived it. But he said it- family's all you got. Everytime I had any form of fight or disagreement w my brother or anyone in the family- or come to think about it- anyone at all- he wouldn't acknowledge my feelings AT ALL- like never. And he would automatically defend the other person. Automatically. The person in front of him is always wrong. He would find some other mode of defending the other person if it wasn't blood. But the convenient line with family was always- "you gotta be good to your family. That's all you got in this world.". Mind you he hates his family. I'm his family, my brother's his family- he abused the shit out of us. My aunt is his family- he treats her like she's nothing too. He can't stand her. He's a fucking hypocrite and there are so many days where I just fold bc of him and his voice in my head.
I have to start doing affirmations again.
I have to leave here. I have to physically leave these people and I'm scared to want that bc I'm scared I'll never get it. I'm scared I'll always live here and life will always be this hard. That's why I take off work. Bc I'm scared as shit to make goals bc if I say out loud that I want it and I don't get it I'm gonna feel so fucking stupid. That's why I keep self destructing. That's why everytime things start looking better I fuck it up. Bc part of me believes I don't deserve good things. That part of me has to die. But how?
I forgive myself for taking the day to relax yesterday instead of working all day.
I forgive myself for expecting so fucking much of myself
I forgive myself for not loving myself
I forgive myself for repeatedly not including myself on the list of things that are important in my life
I forgive myself for not forgiving mysef
My self loathing runs so fucking deep. Its my default provision- what I go back to if I don't put in work. So then I should just put in the work right? But I don't bc there's a part of me that doesn't believe I deserve success and love and all good things. But on some level I know I do. And I just have to put in work.
I think I'm scared to want and scared to have good things bc growing up whenever I would say out loud that I wanted something my father would keep track and if I didn't get it he would make sure he thru in my face how much I wanted it- so he could make me see what a failure I am. He'd do the same thing when I was happy- he'd go out of his way to bring me down. He'd say stuff like "must be nice". Which was his was of saying- who are you to feel happy when I'm not? He's a sick bastard.
I hung out w my grandma the other night who I absolutely adore. And it hurts me to say this but there are things about her that really really urk me. Like the fact that she has absolutely no self esteem whatsoever- not one bit. She hates herself when she doesn't do things perfectly- not just well- but perfect. She blames everyone else for everything that has happened to everyone- esp my father and my uncle. I love her but I disagree with her and that makes me feel guilty. Like I don't really love someone unless I agree with absolutely everything they say and do.
That's my dad's sick way of viewing life. Every tim I've ever spoken to him about my brother the first thing that comes out of is mouth is some variation of "why didn't you do something to stop it". Sometimes its "don't u talk to him?". He competely fucking negates his responsibility in absolutely everything.
He's horrible. I love him and he'll always be my dad but he's a horrible prick. He's abusive and he's really fucked up my life. I know its on me to change that bc he won't ever. And there's a part of me that resists that bc whenever I am around any member of my dads side of the fam- basically my dad and grandma- I feel like its wrong for me to be independent- like I'm being selfish. Everything for the family. "There all you've got". Like my dad used to say. Mind you he never lived it. But he said it- family's all you got. Everytime I had any form of fight or disagreement w my brother or anyone in the family- or come to think about it- anyone at all- he wouldn't acknowledge my feelings AT ALL- like never. And he would automatically defend the other person. Automatically. The person in front of him is always wrong. He would find some other mode of defending the other person if it wasn't blood. But the convenient line with family was always- "you gotta be good to your family. That's all you got in this world.". Mind you he hates his family. I'm his family, my brother's his family- he abused the shit out of us. My aunt is his family- he treats her like she's nothing too. He can't stand her. He's a fucking hypocrite and there are so many days where I just fold bc of him and his voice in my head.
I have to start doing affirmations again.
I have to leave here. I have to physically leave these people and I'm scared to want that bc I'm scared I'll never get it. I'm scared I'll always live here and life will always be this hard. That's why I take off work. Bc I'm scared as shit to make goals bc if I say out loud that I want it and I don't get it I'm gonna feel so fucking stupid. That's why I keep self destructing. That's why everytime things start looking better I fuck it up. Bc part of me believes I don't deserve good things. That part of me has to die. But how?
Replies
You\'re family sounded like mine. My mother was character disordered, no doubt, which made me highly neurotic. Anyway, she used to say to me all the time, \"we\'re all we\'ve got, what are you gonna do when I\'m gone\" (see the guilt trip here). Or she\'d say things like, \"when I get sick who\'s gonna take care of me?\" (see the guilt and manipulation here?) It goes on, but the truth was, whenever I needed her the MOST, like the time I was going through my first divorce with two little ones (her grandchildren) I called her one night because I was truly scared of what was going to become of us. I was even scared to call her, but I did, and I asked her, \"just in case things don\'t go well, could I know it would be okay that me and the kids stay with you for awhile?\". Now, I rarely asked her for anything, so you know I was desperate and scared, and I really just wanted reassurance, and to feel safe. Do you know what she said? \"NO\". Just like that... \"NO\". I backed down right away, and said okay, but she went on to explain... and get this... \"you know I hate kids, I couldn\'t stand having them run around here all the time\".
I didn\'t talk to her for a year after that, and when I finally did decide to talk to her, she asked why I was angry. I told her why (and I highly suspect she already knew). She said she \"never said that\" and that \"there\'s no way she said that\".
Later she must have said something to her husband, and he told her ... \"yep, for sure you said that, I heard you\". She called me later to tell me that, because I guess she felt guilty, who knows.. doesn\' matter.. she was probably drunk and that\'s why she didn\'t remember. By then I didn\'t care anymore.
My point is - these sorts of people are manipulating us. They know we care, and they are going to use that to their advantage. Basically, we\'re just there to pick up the pieces, and take care of them for the rest of their lives - BUT they have rarely done the same for us, nor will they. It\'s a head game to make sure that THEY\"RE okay. That\'s all.
And yes, you really need to start up those affirmations. YOU are a loveable and worthy person!
Also, how about rewording the above to:
I LOVE myself for sleeping in for 8 hours! Good for me!
I LOVE myself for taking a WHOLE day to just relax! I\'m really learning to take care of myself!
I DO expect too much of myself at times, I will work on balance and learning to relax even more!
I LOVE myself because I am and awesome, and worthy person!
I LOVE that I now make myself a priority on that list of things to do!
I LOVE forgiving myself, nurturing, and caring about myself!