morning bullshit
I just woke up. Its 435 in the morning. I want to smoke. I don't want to face the day. I don't want to face my life. I have to stop this. I can't go on like this. I'm ruining my life.
Its 712. I smoked and watched the movie. If I get in the shower now I still have a shot at a great day. I worked out already. My room is clean, my bed is made. The kitchen is clean. All I have to do is get in the shower and go to work. And I'm fucking scared to. I'm scared as shit. Why? Why does being successful scare me so much? I keep sabotaging myself. I don't get it. I know on some level that I'm meant to be happy- I'm meant to lose this weight and make good money at my career but I'm scared to.
I binge by choice. For some reason I don't want to lose this weight. I feel like if I do I'll be a target for shitty people. Shitty women who treat me bad bc they're insecure and jealous- as hard as that is to fathom. And shitty men who only want one thing and who thought that I got to where I am by blowing someone. I'm scared of that. But u know what- my weight doesn't protect me from that. Since I've gained the weight I've fucked w about 3 men. They have all been one worse than the next. Bc I have shitty self esteem. Its super fucked up. Its like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I think I feel like there is just so much pressure in being successful. So many people will trust and depend on me. I don't know if I can take that pressure. Also- I've never taken stock in being liked. So now if I have people liking me I'll be scared to lose it. Scared to lose anything good- so I just don't amass good things. I self destruct. I am the only thing standing in my way. Me and the obstacles I place there. I'm gonna get there. I'm gonna stop this pattern.
Its 712. I smoked and watched the movie. If I get in the shower now I still have a shot at a great day. I worked out already. My room is clean, my bed is made. The kitchen is clean. All I have to do is get in the shower and go to work. And I'm fucking scared to. I'm scared as shit. Why? Why does being successful scare me so much? I keep sabotaging myself. I don't get it. I know on some level that I'm meant to be happy- I'm meant to lose this weight and make good money at my career but I'm scared to.
I binge by choice. For some reason I don't want to lose this weight. I feel like if I do I'll be a target for shitty people. Shitty women who treat me bad bc they're insecure and jealous- as hard as that is to fathom. And shitty men who only want one thing and who thought that I got to where I am by blowing someone. I'm scared of that. But u know what- my weight doesn't protect me from that. Since I've gained the weight I've fucked w about 3 men. They have all been one worse than the next. Bc I have shitty self esteem. Its super fucked up. Its like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I think I feel like there is just so much pressure in being successful. So many people will trust and depend on me. I don't know if I can take that pressure. Also- I've never taken stock in being liked. So now if I have people liking me I'll be scared to lose it. Scared to lose anything good- so I just don't amass good things. I self destruct. I am the only thing standing in my way. Me and the obstacles I place there. I'm gonna get there. I'm gonna stop this pattern.
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