morning angst
I woke up angry and I don't know why. I know that my room is trashed, laundry not done. That never makes me feel good. In fact it makes me feel suffocated and depleted. I woke up at 7 so I got a full night's sleep- which I desperately needed. But I'm still absolutely exhausted and I can't seem to get myself to get in the shower and start the day. I want to sleep for 2 more hours. Maybe that's it- maybe I'm just tired. Maybe nothing's wrong- this is just how people feel when they're overworked. That's not so bad.
I think part of the joy of being an ACOA is that you guess at what normal is. In my experience Alcoholics seem to believe there is this magical plain of existence in which there is absolutely no pain. Whether that's causation or not- who's to say. My grandma (on my fathers side) can't stand people being anything other than happy about things- she shuts up every form of emotion that is negative. She passed that on to my dad. Both of them can't deal w other's emotions. Mind you- both of them are very emotional people- and that's okay. Anger is an emotion. But no one else can feel. Gotta love it.
I think I feel guilt for sleeping 8 hours. I get how fucked up that is. But that's how I feel. Like why should I sleep when I have to work. Why should I do things to keep myself sane when I could just work. I guess I've always been a workaholic. But before this I was depressed for months and some days I couldn't get out of bed. It seems as if the happy medium continues to allude me. But I'm not giving up on finding balance. Its 730- I'm gonna give myself until 9 to clean and wake up.
I think part of the joy of being an ACOA is that you guess at what normal is. In my experience Alcoholics seem to believe there is this magical plain of existence in which there is absolutely no pain. Whether that's causation or not- who's to say. My grandma (on my fathers side) can't stand people being anything other than happy about things- she shuts up every form of emotion that is negative. She passed that on to my dad. Both of them can't deal w other's emotions. Mind you- both of them are very emotional people- and that's okay. Anger is an emotion. But no one else can feel. Gotta love it.
I think I feel guilt for sleeping 8 hours. I get how fucked up that is. But that's how I feel. Like why should I sleep when I have to work. Why should I do things to keep myself sane when I could just work. I guess I've always been a workaholic. But before this I was depressed for months and some days I couldn't get out of bed. It seems as if the happy medium continues to allude me. But I'm not giving up on finding balance. Its 730- I'm gonna give myself until 9 to clean and wake up.
Replies