More waiting
I want to start out by thanking everyone here. It is so good to know I am not alone.
Today is another day. I look out at the window and wished James Robert was still with me. It is especially hard when it is so nice outside. He loved days like this. Mom and I went through some pic and found some of James Robert when he was about a year and a half old. God that was hard. I felt like ripping them apart and yelling I don't want pics of him I want HIM!! It is a little over 3.5 months till his birthday. He would have been 23. Still so very young. I still wonder why he was taken and I was left here. I can't say I am alone, but I feel lonely. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to hide and pretend that it all didn't happen.
I always told him when we parted I loved him no matter what happens tomorrow. It was a thing we had. I never let him leave me before I told him I loved him more than anything. I know in my heart he KNEW I loved him. Why then doesn't that make me feel any better? Why does it feel so wrong that he died before I did? Why oh why couldn't I have talked to him once more before he died? Why didn't I see his post about feeling so bad before he died? WHY WHY WHY. I know I have posted these questions before. I know I have had answers before. So why do they keep running around and around in my head and heart. I don't know where I could go to feel better. I don't know what I could do to stop the tears from falling. I am sure you all are tired of hearing me whine over and over again.
Someone told me it has been 4 months and I should just get over it. My mind can't stop thinking about him. He was the one thing I did right. Now I often wonder when the other good things in my life will be taken from me. When will my mom die When will my roommates die? When will I have to suffer all this totally alone?
Today is another day. I look out at the window and wished James Robert was still with me. It is especially hard when it is so nice outside. He loved days like this. Mom and I went through some pic and found some of James Robert when he was about a year and a half old. God that was hard. I felt like ripping them apart and yelling I don't want pics of him I want HIM!! It is a little over 3.5 months till his birthday. He would have been 23. Still so very young. I still wonder why he was taken and I was left here. I can't say I am alone, but I feel lonely. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to hide and pretend that it all didn't happen.
I always told him when we parted I loved him no matter what happens tomorrow. It was a thing we had. I never let him leave me before I told him I loved him more than anything. I know in my heart he KNEW I loved him. Why then doesn't that make me feel any better? Why does it feel so wrong that he died before I did? Why oh why couldn't I have talked to him once more before he died? Why didn't I see his post about feeling so bad before he died? WHY WHY WHY. I know I have posted these questions before. I know I have had answers before. So why do they keep running around and around in my head and heart. I don't know where I could go to feel better. I don't know what I could do to stop the tears from falling. I am sure you all are tired of hearing me whine over and over again.
Someone told me it has been 4 months and I should just get over it. My mind can't stop thinking about him. He was the one thing I did right. Now I often wonder when the other good things in my life will be taken from me. When will my mom die When will my roommates die? When will I have to suffer all this totally alone?
Replies
Oh my dear. You are not whining. You are grieving and and I for one will be here with you for as long as it takes.
The whys drive us crazy. It is wrong that he died before you. A child should never die before a mother.
I also had people tell me I should \'just get over it\' and get a life. I couldn\'t believe anyone could be so insensitive. I for one will never \'be over it\'. Yes I can smile and enjoy life; but as for being over it, not by a long shot. People say dumb things - they just don\'t get it. People want to be supportive but don\'t know how. I know I have lost \'friends\' after Lisa died. I think it is because I remind them that it could be them.
Of course you want James Robert, not photos. But eventually you will look at those photos and smile, and cry and that is alright.
I understand the feeling of outliving my small family, and being afraid. I lost my brother and sister-in-law after Lisa died. I still sometimes fret, thinking that everyone will go but me. I know it is a bit irrational but it is what it is. I guess I am trying to say that it does get better, gradually. In the meantime just remember that you are not alone.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
I know exactly what you mean when you said \" He was the one thing I did right\"... I have felt that so often with my girls.. I was so young when I had them (both before I was 20) and I wanted then to be good kids and then good adults.. and they were !!
I would have gladly died for Jenn if I\'d been able, not that we can... sigh
whoever said after 4 months that you should get over it... drop them from your circle if you can .. that person is an insensitive jerk and probably always will be. fortunately they don\'t, and I hope they never will, know the pain we feel each and every minute, hour and day.
It feels wrong that he passed before you because that is not the way it is supposed to be... parents should not outlive their child.. but sometimes we do..
hugs, tight hugs,
MaryLou
Oh yes, \"the one thing I did right\".... so true,,,, but whomever said 4 mths and get over ?? how dare they..... you are never alone,,, you always have soth and we know....... love ya!
You are grieving and this is what it looks and feels like. It is a the most epic of heart and soul wounds to lose a child and it does take one\'s thoughts on a roller coaster ride.
Be ever so gentle with your tender heart and know that those comments from others are about them because they are afraid for you. They want you to be as you were and you will never be that person so it takes time and a lot of it to begin to get your bearings once again.
Everything you are feeling is as it needs to be for today and oh, how none of us should have to be living this, yet we are and you are doing your very best and that is enough, more than enough for this moment.
Loving care today as you make your way and feel the sisterhood that is here.
XO Joanie
You\'re not whining....but even if you do....we NEVER get tired of listening and we never stop caring!
It is NOT right for James Robert to not be here in the physical world with you!!! It will never be right, never be OK, that this tragedy happened!! That doesn\'t mean you won\'t find YOUR way, in YOUR time....as you already are....to learn to deal with the forever ache, because you will, you are.
I\'d like to slap, and then hug, every person who ever tells a grieving mother to \"get over it\"! Slap first, because, well, they\'re idiots and deserve it. Hug, because, well, they\'re idiots and deserve it.
We\'ve all asked the thousands of unanswerable questions....why, why, why. It\'s just too much for our brains, and certain our hearts to wrap around ANY good or acceptable reason for our kids leaving here before us. \"Why\" is a plea I think.....a scream from deep within our souls....it must be uttered....even if it cannot be answered.
It hasn\'t \"already\" been 4 months for you darling......it\'s ONLY been 4 months. Those who haven\'t suffered this loss can never understand time stands still, and races by, when you lose a child. Our lives become divided into two parts....before and after.
You are doing and not doing all that you can....and all that you should....and all that there is to do! And we are walking with you each step of the way!
Much love and tight hugs~~
I agree with all here who say you are not whining. You are a grieving Momma, trying to come to grips with the injustice of your child leaving this physical earth before you. This is a terrible position to be in and certainly not one that we would choose for ourselves and not even choose for our worst enemy. We don\'t ever \"get over it\". It seems to me that we build a corral of sorts and begin the task of managing the \"terror\", that has set us on this road, into it to try to keep it from taking over the life we have left. It is a long, slow, painful process, but we have been given no choice in the matter. The \"terror\" escapes from that corral often when we first set out on this journey, but with the support of friends, family, sisters of the heart, counseling, medication, time etc. we build the corral stronger and stronger. As time goes on the \"terror\" still escapes, but not as often and sometimes not as overpowering. It is a long road, we don\'t know exactly what you are going through, but we come the closest to understanding it the best and we will hold your hand, hold your heart in our heart and walk with you. I know the feeling of being in a room full of people and yet feeling as if I am entirely alone and just watching from a different place...Sadly, it is all part of the process. Once I realized that I wasn\'t alone in my \"weird\" feelings, that there were other grieving Momma\'s experiencing basically what I was, it helped me get through. Sending love and gentle hugs to you...Lynn
You are not whining. You are in the very early stages of grief!! Four months....you are still in shock. Looking back I realize that I was in shock for the first year!! The second year was worse, because reality set in!! This grief journey is long and it is hard. Anyone insensitive enough to tell you to \"get over it\" is no friend of yours. We will never get over it!! Only after years of pain and grieving, just have to learn how to live without them...
Remember, one step at a time and breathe....
((((HUGS))))....Julia
Well, you can see that we\'ve all been there. I hid for about 9 months after Jon died. I was the only person in the mountains who didn\'t want winter to end and spring to come. I felt the cold and snow protected me somehow so I didn\'t have to go out. And I couldn\'t stand the idea of spring coming and Jon not there. That was over 4 years ago. Now I\'m happy to see spring come but I still miss my son more than I can say. (Did I ever mention that he lived in Eugene for a number of years?) Be patient with yourself and don\'t let other people impose their timetable on you. We all know better.
One day I will be a BITCH and ask them could they ever get over their son/daughter if they were DEAD ! I am not a bitch and don\'t think I could say it but boy do I ever want to. One of the ladies at work used to say at least you have your grandson, I would turn to her and say I want both of them and turn away. She has learned to stop, and not talk to me unless it is work related. People are just mean. I am learning to deal with life as it is being delt to me one day at a time
sending tight hugs for comfort Penny