More revelations
I just had an epiphany. Several in fact. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt whenever I take time for myself. When I don't put work or family first above all else, I feel EXTREMILY guilty. Its not just a relative amount of guilt either. Its debilitating. Its so bad that I just stop taking time for myself entirely. I tell myself that I've made it through 30 years without being mentally healthy so what's one more day? What's one more week? But days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months, months can turn into years. How we spend our days is how we live our lives.
So what happens when I don't do shit to take care of myself is that it builds up and keeps building and it gets worse and worse until it seems overwhelming and I feel like I'm at the foot of a mountain instead of a small hill that I could easily climb if I only took the time to when I first saw it- instead of ignoring it until it turned into a mountain. So here I am at the foot of a mountain of my own creation and instead of understanding that even the journey of 1000 miles begins with one single step- I beat the shit out of myself- badly- for not just climbing the fucking hill. And I'm harsh with myself- really harsh- worse than my father and my mother and anyone else who ever abused me and u know why? Bc my abuse of myself combines the abuse from every abuser I've encountered bc that's what I was taught as a child and I never learned any different. My father and mother both- whenever I would ever bring up someone who bothered me in any way shape or form
The first thing they would do is bring up how the other person feels or why they react that way, etc. Basically they advocate for the other person in my scenario each time over me. I think that's one of the many reasons I became a lawyer- to actually advocate for people- to take people's side. To actually be there for people- unlike what I have always experienced.
Anyway- so after I'm good and beat up following my own negative self talk. I sit at the edge of that mountain and I really really want to start climbing. But to do so seems completely impossible. So I just say fuck it and get high. Then I waste more time, feel like a failure and realize i have to pick up the pieces so life can be good again- but there I am again- at the foot of the mountain I created. Wishing I could climb, but having a sense of knowing that even if I climb it it could appear again and so why waste the energy. So I say fuck it and go get high.
And so on and so forth. So how the fuck do I stop? I guess the logical answer would be to just keep climbing that hill before it turns into another mountain. But I can't shake the feeling that life should be easier, I should be happy and if I don't then its a character flaw. That's my father talking. Fuck me man. I gotta get the fuck away from these crazy fucking people.
So what happens when I don't do shit to take care of myself is that it builds up and keeps building and it gets worse and worse until it seems overwhelming and I feel like I'm at the foot of a mountain instead of a small hill that I could easily climb if I only took the time to when I first saw it- instead of ignoring it until it turned into a mountain. So here I am at the foot of a mountain of my own creation and instead of understanding that even the journey of 1000 miles begins with one single step- I beat the shit out of myself- badly- for not just climbing the fucking hill. And I'm harsh with myself- really harsh- worse than my father and my mother and anyone else who ever abused me and u know why? Bc my abuse of myself combines the abuse from every abuser I've encountered bc that's what I was taught as a child and I never learned any different. My father and mother both- whenever I would ever bring up someone who bothered me in any way shape or form
The first thing they would do is bring up how the other person feels or why they react that way, etc. Basically they advocate for the other person in my scenario each time over me. I think that's one of the many reasons I became a lawyer- to actually advocate for people- to take people's side. To actually be there for people- unlike what I have always experienced.
Anyway- so after I'm good and beat up following my own negative self talk. I sit at the edge of that mountain and I really really want to start climbing. But to do so seems completely impossible. So I just say fuck it and get high. Then I waste more time, feel like a failure and realize i have to pick up the pieces so life can be good again- but there I am again- at the foot of the mountain I created. Wishing I could climb, but having a sense of knowing that even if I climb it it could appear again and so why waste the energy. So I say fuck it and go get high.
And so on and so forth. So how the fuck do I stop? I guess the logical answer would be to just keep climbing that hill before it turns into another mountain. But I can't shake the feeling that life should be easier, I should be happy and if I don't then its a character flaw. That's my father talking. Fuck me man. I gotta get the fuck away from these crazy fucking people.
Replies
You\'ve been trained to take care of everyone else. You\'ve been trained to feel guilty for not doing so 24/7. You\'ve been trained to be codependent. It probably started when you were born.
A girl- what\'s the culture in your family about girls and their roles? Are they supposed to sacrifice everything for the sake of the family? For the sake of men? For the sake of taking care of elderly parents?
Not a damn thing wrong with you - you\'ve been trained, just like you trained to be a lawyer, your family trained you to think and behave this way. I know, because that\'s my thing too... Codependent No More, by Melodie Beattie is an invaluable and practical way to change all that training. Please read it and change the messages that have been handed down to you... In fact, everyone should read this, because it\'s an amazing resource for living a fulfilling life - that\'s all yours.
You are worthy of happiness... you\'ll see that one day.