more revelations
I used to think that if someone loved me enough then they'd automatically understand every single one of my defense mechanisms and do everything to make me feel loved- even if that meant that they had to abandon their own fears. I expected that- that's what loving me meant. Yet I wasn't willing or able to abandon my own fears and I didn't think doing so was necessary bc I had no idea that the ways I acted out were my defense mechanisms. I didn't know that anything other than that fear and way of life existed. To me- that was just who I was.
I understand now that someone can love you with every fiber of their being and just not be able to show it in the way you want and need them to. I understand it bc I have loved in that way and no matter what I did I couldn't make certain people feel my love. Bc in order to do so I had to not be me- those sensitivities and defense mechanisms- they were a part of me and I had to overcome a whole lot of things before I could let them go. That didn't mean I didn't love the people I hurt with every breath I took, with every bit of my soul- I just couldn't be what they needed me to be and they couldn't be what I needed either.
The reason I felt justified in asking others to completely lose themselves and be willing to forgo all defense mechanisms and basically throw themselves to the wolves (in their mind) and completely and utterly instantly surrender to me is because that's what I have done every time I have ever loved someone. I gave my essence and my very being and dedicated my life to being everything they wanted and needed (as seen by my eyes) every time and when I found someone who wouldn't do the same- right away (bc that's how quick I abandoned myself) then I assumed it was bc they didn't love me.
Most of the time that was true- but it was not demonstrated in the ways I just mentioned- the fact that they weren't willing to give themselves fully w in 10 fucking minutes of meeting me was not the evidence of the absence of love or care for me. It was the presence of healthy boundaries which I fully lacked at the time.
Every time I felt like those people didn't love me right away- I wouldn't just be patient or accepting and just moved on- I would look at it like that song by fleetwood mac- the chain "if you don't love me now you will never love me again". I would lash out at them and it was ok in my eyes bc- they don't love me anyway and bc they don't love me any compassion they showed me was just a trick to get the best of me. That's when the walls went right up and no one could get through even if they tried. When u view people through those eyes not only do you not see any of their potentially honorable attempts to be what you need them do be (even if they do happen to fall short)- u feel 100% justified in treating that person like shit. In your eyes they had it coming- no one could tell you different. As my father used to say "they drew first blood."
Now if that person didn't love you- then its not really the biggest loss- besides the fact that every time you act out of fear instead of love you only hurt yourself. But for me- I didn't just treat them like shit and dismiss it- I felt an unbelievable sense of guilt for hurting them (even if I didn't actually hurt them and most of the time I didnt) bc my father beat into me that absolutely every time anyone treated me anyway other than great- 1. It was my fault that they did so and 2. Therefore I had no right to be upset and lash out.
So at some point w every man- after I had been going through the same thing with man after man and my energy was just depleted- my mission to rid myself of the guilt was very clear- make those men forgive me. Throw myself at their mercy bc surely if I showed them that I knew how horrible I acted and how completely unworthy of their love I was then they would see that and my utter weakness would make them see that I wasn't a bitch- that I was a good woman that would be as submissive as they needed me to be in order to get them to love me. It was like- look- see- I'm not too strong to love- I'm a woman- really I am- I can shut up if you need me too- just love me. Guess who actually responds well to that manner of being- abusers. Mainly- my father. That's exactly how he treated me- he expected me to be strong. In his eyes the presence of strength was both necessary and expected- he just wanted me to be strong with everyone except him. For him- unless I was a complete doormat (and even if I was he was still nasty as shit)- it was "the wrath of jennifer" - that's the phrase he always used to say- and of course it was in a loud voice of complete and utter disdain and contempt. I can't even compile all the times he rolled his eyes at me and acted like i was some stupid child that was over reacting. He blames me for it all- he thinks that the only thing wrong w my childhood was the fact that I was upset by it. He does not accept any culpability for any of it. None of it. In his eyes- I'm the abuser and I always have been. But then again for anyone who has dealt w abusers u know that is a fairly common characteristic- every fucking one of them blames everyone else.
Fortunately for me most of the men I got w were abusive anyway- so it wasn't a huge loss when they walked out of my life. And w the ones that werent abusive- we just weren't meant to be. I don't look back at any man in my life like he was "the one who got away." No one was ever that decent. I know I've made my mistakes and I know I deserve forgiveness. I just didn't realize how much it took from me- making myself smaller for these men, making myself smaller for my father, my brother, my friend C. It made me lose sight of the fact that it was okay to feel joy and self confidence. It did a lot of bad shit and from here on out things will be changing
I understand now that someone can love you with every fiber of their being and just not be able to show it in the way you want and need them to. I understand it bc I have loved in that way and no matter what I did I couldn't make certain people feel my love. Bc in order to do so I had to not be me- those sensitivities and defense mechanisms- they were a part of me and I had to overcome a whole lot of things before I could let them go. That didn't mean I didn't love the people I hurt with every breath I took, with every bit of my soul- I just couldn't be what they needed me to be and they couldn't be what I needed either.
The reason I felt justified in asking others to completely lose themselves and be willing to forgo all defense mechanisms and basically throw themselves to the wolves (in their mind) and completely and utterly instantly surrender to me is because that's what I have done every time I have ever loved someone. I gave my essence and my very being and dedicated my life to being everything they wanted and needed (as seen by my eyes) every time and when I found someone who wouldn't do the same- right away (bc that's how quick I abandoned myself) then I assumed it was bc they didn't love me.
Most of the time that was true- but it was not demonstrated in the ways I just mentioned- the fact that they weren't willing to give themselves fully w in 10 fucking minutes of meeting me was not the evidence of the absence of love or care for me. It was the presence of healthy boundaries which I fully lacked at the time.
Every time I felt like those people didn't love me right away- I wouldn't just be patient or accepting and just moved on- I would look at it like that song by fleetwood mac- the chain "if you don't love me now you will never love me again". I would lash out at them and it was ok in my eyes bc- they don't love me anyway and bc they don't love me any compassion they showed me was just a trick to get the best of me. That's when the walls went right up and no one could get through even if they tried. When u view people through those eyes not only do you not see any of their potentially honorable attempts to be what you need them do be (even if they do happen to fall short)- u feel 100% justified in treating that person like shit. In your eyes they had it coming- no one could tell you different. As my father used to say "they drew first blood."
Now if that person didn't love you- then its not really the biggest loss- besides the fact that every time you act out of fear instead of love you only hurt yourself. But for me- I didn't just treat them like shit and dismiss it- I felt an unbelievable sense of guilt for hurting them (even if I didn't actually hurt them and most of the time I didnt) bc my father beat into me that absolutely every time anyone treated me anyway other than great- 1. It was my fault that they did so and 2. Therefore I had no right to be upset and lash out.
So at some point w every man- after I had been going through the same thing with man after man and my energy was just depleted- my mission to rid myself of the guilt was very clear- make those men forgive me. Throw myself at their mercy bc surely if I showed them that I knew how horrible I acted and how completely unworthy of their love I was then they would see that and my utter weakness would make them see that I wasn't a bitch- that I was a good woman that would be as submissive as they needed me to be in order to get them to love me. It was like- look- see- I'm not too strong to love- I'm a woman- really I am- I can shut up if you need me too- just love me. Guess who actually responds well to that manner of being- abusers. Mainly- my father. That's exactly how he treated me- he expected me to be strong. In his eyes the presence of strength was both necessary and expected- he just wanted me to be strong with everyone except him. For him- unless I was a complete doormat (and even if I was he was still nasty as shit)- it was "the wrath of jennifer" - that's the phrase he always used to say- and of course it was in a loud voice of complete and utter disdain and contempt. I can't even compile all the times he rolled his eyes at me and acted like i was some stupid child that was over reacting. He blames me for it all- he thinks that the only thing wrong w my childhood was the fact that I was upset by it. He does not accept any culpability for any of it. None of it. In his eyes- I'm the abuser and I always have been. But then again for anyone who has dealt w abusers u know that is a fairly common characteristic- every fucking one of them blames everyone else.
Fortunately for me most of the men I got w were abusive anyway- so it wasn't a huge loss when they walked out of my life. And w the ones that werent abusive- we just weren't meant to be. I don't look back at any man in my life like he was "the one who got away." No one was ever that decent. I know I've made my mistakes and I know I deserve forgiveness. I just didn't realize how much it took from me- making myself smaller for these men, making myself smaller for my father, my brother, my friend C. It made me lose sight of the fact that it was okay to feel joy and self confidence. It did a lot of bad shit and from here on out things will be changing
Replies
Have you read the book \"Emotional Blackmail\" by Susan Forward, Ph.D? She talks about how abuser\'s hook us in and keep us tied to them through, what she call FOG. This is also a nice analogy for how we feel with these people. FOG stands for \"fear, obligation, and guilt\". Abuser\'s play on our fears, our sense of obligation, and any guilt we might harbor (real or imagined) to keep us going in circles.
When I read this book that\'s exactly how I\'ve felt for the last 14 or 15 years; like I was living in a fog, where I couldn\'t understand why I stayed, why I was doing what I was doing, etc. I was just reacting ALL the time, and no sooner than I started to get clear on things.... wham, like a punch in the gut my H would start up all over again. He had learned my sensitivities and used them to his sadistic ends.
I highly recommend this book. It answers all those mysteries you\'re talking about and then some, and, for me anyway, gave me tons of relief.
Thank you so much for the recommendation- and all of your input. It is always greatly appreciated. I\'m gonna get that book.