more ramblings

I have always considered myself part of a couple. That is now I still see myself. I am now incomplete. I want to be whole. They call me a widower. I hate that word. I am now a broken half.
 
I am a lonely traveler with no companion and no destination.
Overwhelming sadness and loneliness are my constant companions.
My companion in life is gone.
I feel as though I have been reduced to nothing.
My emotions are catching up to what my mind has been told and it is not a pretty picture.
Absolutely everything I do contains an element of grief. Greif is a part of my being. Inescapable and unrelenting.
Grief is a process, not an event.
I no longer feel as if I belong anywhere anymore. I need to establish a new identity and so far it is not working.
Even when I am “ok” I am not ok.
I am no longer needed by anyone. No one depends on my. I don’t seem to have much value.
 
With so much activity from family and friends in the last 98 days of her life, to find myself so absolutely and totally alone is a hard road to go down. Everyone must think things are just dandy with me. Either that or they don’t care.
 
I am part of a couple, that is how I view myself. The rest of the world sees only me now. It is only when these two views stop competing will I know peace.
 
I didn’t spend enough time really talking with her. I want “do overs”, oh how I want them.
 
Everyone I know is a couple. It is the only life I know how to operate in.
My companion is gone. I am broken.
The pain of grief is a sign of having given and received love.
The sadness, the aloneness becomes so permanent and ingrained it is impossible to escape.
The tears keep coming and coming. I can’t stop them. They don’t come when I am ready they just come whenever they please.
How could I be so alone? Where is everyone?
Is it ok to live again and till honor her? If so, how do I go about it?
 
I could always get through difficult situations by simply turning off my feelings, or so I thought. I find I can no longer rely on that method of dealing with things. What do I do now?
 
Every aspect of my life is out of balance.
As I cry every day, it really helps to know that others are crying too. I am not as alone as I think.
 
She was my stability. I don’t know what to do without her.
I know for a fact that I can love again. I just don’t know if I will ever be able to find anyone to love.
Janice you shaped me. You will forever live on as a part of me. Thank you dear I love you.
For me to give up now would not be a fitting memorial to our love.
 
I do not thrive at work. In fact, my work has no meaning to me at all anymore. I sit at my desk all day and think of her and my situation. How can I help a customer when I don’t care about their issues?
All my troubles, am I now blaming everything on her death. I have responsibilities that I must face as my troubles not someone else’s.
From here on I am responsible for me . Me and me alone. I must do this for me.
 
I can say that I am proud of the fact that not once in our 32 years of marriage did I even once did I use foul language toward her. Not in front of her or behind her back.
 
I miss sitting close to someone. I am here in this world by myself now. I get really board a lot.
 
God, I do not understand what is going on with me, but I trust that You do. Amen.