More of the Same shit
I just made the call for weed and no one answered. All of a sudden my palms start to sweat and I feel like everything I had planned for this evening is not going to be able to be accomplished. Why? I can still do everything I was going to do. Nothing’s stopping me. Why do I think I can’t get it done? Why do I feel like nothing good is possible just b/c I can’t be high while I’m doing it? Habit. I think the answer is habit. I have used weed to take the place of reality. What I used to understand is that weed doesn’t discriminate. It kills all emotions. The good and the bad. I started smoking weed again b/c my reality sucked. J had just devastated me earlier that day. Before then there was so much other devastation between him and I- it’s just that day was particularly bad.
Nothing I can do can change the way other people treat me for the better. I’m not going to go into the possible exceptions to that rule. I think the answer to my life- one of them- is to understand that people either value me or they don’t. They either love me or they don’t. They either care about my well being or they don’t. If they don’t- meaning if they don’t love me, value me, care about my well being- then nothing I can say or do will change that. It doesn’t mean I have to try harder. It means I’m trying with the wrong person. When I find the people who are meant to be in my life- it wont be so hard. Maybe that’s a true statement. All those questions I asked in my last entry- this paragraph is the answer that came to me.
Maybe life’s just hard. That’s it. It just sucks sometimes and sometimes its great and that’s just life. I have been completely and utterly brainwashed. My father beat into me that if I wasn’t happy it was because something is wrong with me.
I don’t have to be the one who always makes the efforts. In fact- I’m gonna give myself license to not be the one to make those efforts anymore. When someone doesn’t seem to be feeling me on a personal level I’m just going to assume that they are not meant to be a part of my life. And if I’m wrong then they will make the effort. Or at least part of it. I’ve gotta stop making excuses for other people.
I’m stuck in a vicious cycle. I am the only one who can get me out.
Nothing I can do can change the way other people treat me for the better. I’m not going to go into the possible exceptions to that rule. I think the answer to my life- one of them- is to understand that people either value me or they don’t. They either love me or they don’t. They either care about my well being or they don’t. If they don’t- meaning if they don’t love me, value me, care about my well being- then nothing I can say or do will change that. It doesn’t mean I have to try harder. It means I’m trying with the wrong person. When I find the people who are meant to be in my life- it wont be so hard. Maybe that’s a true statement. All those questions I asked in my last entry- this paragraph is the answer that came to me.
Maybe life’s just hard. That’s it. It just sucks sometimes and sometimes its great and that’s just life. I have been completely and utterly brainwashed. My father beat into me that if I wasn’t happy it was because something is wrong with me.
I don’t have to be the one who always makes the efforts. In fact- I’m gonna give myself license to not be the one to make those efforts anymore. When someone doesn’t seem to be feeling me on a personal level I’m just going to assume that they are not meant to be a part of my life. And if I’m wrong then they will make the effort. Or at least part of it. I’ve gotta stop making excuses for other people.
I’m stuck in a vicious cycle. I am the only one who can get me out.
Replies
I can really relate to what you\'re saying here... Happiness has always been one step away from me. I now believe that it is not necessarily something you can achieve on a constant basis. At least happiness, by my definition. Now I strive for content. To me that means having my good days, my bad days, my outright horrible days. But overall I am content with my life because I have love and respect for myself and I know that overall the choices that I make come from my strength and not my weakness. (Notice I say \"overall\"... Some days I straight up hate my life, lol)
Thank u so much for commenting. I like your approach. I think that\'s a really healthy way of seeing it. I\'m gonna try to adapt that. Thanks again for the support :)