More of the same...plus an anniversary
Yes, the times between the bouts are getting longer....but that doesn't mean that going through the bouts, when they come, are any easier.
This morning, more of the usual- digestion, major headache, fatigue. I went back to sleep again after waking up at 6, then again at 9:30. Now it's 11:30. The headache has lessened, but that undercurrent of Menopause is now here.
It doesn't help that the anniversary of my mother's death is in 2 days. My aunt sent me and everyone she knows a long, sad email, going over everything that happened at that time, how she felt saying goodbye to my mom for the last time, to the pelican that appeared and circled the boat as we poured Mom's ashes into the sea...etc, etc....as I said, very long and detailed.
I guess I was hoping to not remember that dark time, or at least, most of it. J asked if I wanted to do something to mark the occasion...I told him I just wanted to light a candle, reflect a bit, and then do something very distracting with the family, not concentrating too much on my...our loss.
I've just spent SO much time crying these last 9 years or so that now that I have a real reason to do it, I don't want to do it, if I can help it (I'm sure that I will anyway...oh, wait, here I go). And all through this menopause, I've tried, mostly unsuccessfully, to think of the Positive things, the things in my life that have worked out, the things in my life that have made me happy.....I don't know....to have to think of my mom's illnesses and operations, and eventual death, how my brother and sister basically abandoned us and wouldn't visit her or help out in any way, including with the funeral....
....it's not just that I lost my mother who was also my best friend; it's all the other things I just mentioned, and more....how she never got to meet my husband or her only grandchild (with whom she would've gotten on famously with, unlike my MIL)...how I REALLY need her at this time in my life when I've been going through such a bad menopause....
I was hoping to not THINK about it; like I said, just light a candle, spend a minute reflecting on how wonderful our relationship was, and that's it...NOT get into all the SHIT that happened...I did that last year -just light a candle, I mean- and had a little cry, and that was it.
...but then I got that email from my aunt, rehashing everything, including details I'd forgotten. I know she meant well, and that it was most probably an act of healing for her, but unfortunately, it opened the wound again for me....
...I sincerely hope that I won't bleed for very long. If I was further along in my life and getting many things done, stopping for this sad anniversary, then could put it aside and get going again, I'd be feeling different. But the point is that, thanks to menopause, I've already been in and out of depression, pain, anger, so often, over and over, and lost SO much time, SO MUCH of my life crying and shaking, that I don't want to do it anymore...any more than I have to, anyway. And whenever I'm in a bout, one of the things that I end up concentrating on IS the loss of my mom..
so I feel that I've cried for her for years already, not only on her birthday and the anniversaries of her death, but all the days of all the other months of the year...for years.
The tv with dvr capability is at the shop. When I'm in a bout, I use that tv, which is in the living room, which is sunny, to distract myself; find some movie I wanted to see, listen to the news, watch a documentary, or listen to the music station. I'll often have it on just so I feel like I'm still in contact with the outside world, even though I'm on the couch all day. The small tv in the dark bedroom works, but doesn't have dvr and doesn't get all the channels, and the bedroom can be depressing (we're supposed to paint it a lighter color this summer).
I took an aspirin for the headache (that usually doesn't work, but one can always hope). There are a bunch of household things to be done, and I'll do them in baby steps, because somehow, I don't like the idea of spending the WHOLE day doing nothing but feeling sad. I think I feel like getting Something done today.
My poor kid...another fun day with weepy mommy.
(Later) And I had a seizure. So there goes my day. I sure hope tomorrow I'm better; I'll happily settle for OK.
Thanks, all, for reading. I hope things are going better for you.
This morning, more of the usual- digestion, major headache, fatigue. I went back to sleep again after waking up at 6, then again at 9:30. Now it's 11:30. The headache has lessened, but that undercurrent of Menopause is now here.
It doesn't help that the anniversary of my mother's death is in 2 days. My aunt sent me and everyone she knows a long, sad email, going over everything that happened at that time, how she felt saying goodbye to my mom for the last time, to the pelican that appeared and circled the boat as we poured Mom's ashes into the sea...etc, etc....as I said, very long and detailed.
I guess I was hoping to not remember that dark time, or at least, most of it. J asked if I wanted to do something to mark the occasion...I told him I just wanted to light a candle, reflect a bit, and then do something very distracting with the family, not concentrating too much on my...our loss.
I've just spent SO much time crying these last 9 years or so that now that I have a real reason to do it, I don't want to do it, if I can help it (I'm sure that I will anyway...oh, wait, here I go). And all through this menopause, I've tried, mostly unsuccessfully, to think of the Positive things, the things in my life that have worked out, the things in my life that have made me happy.....I don't know....to have to think of my mom's illnesses and operations, and eventual death, how my brother and sister basically abandoned us and wouldn't visit her or help out in any way, including with the funeral....
....it's not just that I lost my mother who was also my best friend; it's all the other things I just mentioned, and more....how she never got to meet my husband or her only grandchild (with whom she would've gotten on famously with, unlike my MIL)...how I REALLY need her at this time in my life when I've been going through such a bad menopause....
I was hoping to not THINK about it; like I said, just light a candle, spend a minute reflecting on how wonderful our relationship was, and that's it...NOT get into all the SHIT that happened...I did that last year -just light a candle, I mean- and had a little cry, and that was it.
...but then I got that email from my aunt, rehashing everything, including details I'd forgotten. I know she meant well, and that it was most probably an act of healing for her, but unfortunately, it opened the wound again for me....
...I sincerely hope that I won't bleed for very long. If I was further along in my life and getting many things done, stopping for this sad anniversary, then could put it aside and get going again, I'd be feeling different. But the point is that, thanks to menopause, I've already been in and out of depression, pain, anger, so often, over and over, and lost SO much time, SO MUCH of my life crying and shaking, that I don't want to do it anymore...any more than I have to, anyway. And whenever I'm in a bout, one of the things that I end up concentrating on IS the loss of my mom..
so I feel that I've cried for her for years already, not only on her birthday and the anniversaries of her death, but all the days of all the other months of the year...for years.
The tv with dvr capability is at the shop. When I'm in a bout, I use that tv, which is in the living room, which is sunny, to distract myself; find some movie I wanted to see, listen to the news, watch a documentary, or listen to the music station. I'll often have it on just so I feel like I'm still in contact with the outside world, even though I'm on the couch all day. The small tv in the dark bedroom works, but doesn't have dvr and doesn't get all the channels, and the bedroom can be depressing (we're supposed to paint it a lighter color this summer).
I took an aspirin for the headache (that usually doesn't work, but one can always hope). There are a bunch of household things to be done, and I'll do them in baby steps, because somehow, I don't like the idea of spending the WHOLE day doing nothing but feeling sad. I think I feel like getting Something done today.
My poor kid...another fun day with weepy mommy.
(Later) And I had a seizure. So there goes my day. I sure hope tomorrow I'm better; I'll happily settle for OK.
Thanks, all, for reading. I hope things are going better for you.
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