More of the same Frustrated Rambling
Yesterday went from so-so to Bad, then ok, then ended up bad.
Today...it's starting out so-so again, but it can go bad very easily. I'm REALLY trying to not concentrate on what it might be, and if I do end up on the couch all day again, I keep telling myself it's OK...if I don't get anything done today, it's ok.
But it's not just the Ending Up On the Couch and Accomplishing Nothing. It's the Feeling Horrible as I do it. For hours...for days. Again and again. Losing days and days because I'm feeling horrible...just hate it.
I want to feel good- I'll happily settle for ok- for more than 30 minutes ...no, I want my old self back, when I'd feel good for days, and the bad days were few, and when they'd happen, at least they weren't Horrible. I'd kiss my husband and child goodbye, and when they'd get off to work and school, I'd get dressed and walk the 6 blocks to the grocery store, or take the bus to the mall, spend some time reading or sketching at Starbucks, get something for dinner on the way home, make dinner, and spend the evening with my family......all while feeling GOOD....because being able to do these things MAKES me feel good. And I could make plans to go to the zoo or go have lunch with someone, and I could work on my artwork because I'm not in discomfort/despair/pain/fatigued/crying, etc....you know, I was Normal.
But I can't do this if I've got those headaches, the body aches, the upset stomach, the dizziness, the chest pains, the fatigue, etc etc....each one of the many physical symptoms, by itself, is an emotional punch in the face...and all those are bad enough, but when the anxiety, not to mention the fear, hits...OMG, that destroys my spirit. That going over the edge....I cannot describe how awful that is, that feeling when true Insanity grabs me, even if it's only for a minute...my entire foundation of who I am, what I am, where I am, in my life, in my world, in this world...is rocked so hard that there's nothing to hold onto. And I emerge physically, mentally and emotionally shaking, and then just exhausted and worn out in every sense. If I'm lucky, either my husband's actually with me or I can get him on the phone so I have some sort of anchor.
Because the symptoms I experience are so strong and debilitating, I've become indescribably self-obsessed, which I also hate. For days, all I can think about is myself. I try to get distracted, but if there are enough awful stuff going on with me, it's very hard, and I find it often impossible. After all, how the day goes is entirely based on how I feel, and that can change from one hour to the next. I KNOW that exercise helps, but if I've got a headache and/or dizziness and/or anything thing else like that (which is often the case)...I'm sorry, I'm NOT exercising. I try to think positive thoughts, try to remember that there are many more people in lots worse situations and conditions than me....but am rarely successful.
I am just so grateful for this website. I can make an attempt to get my frustrations, sadness, and anger off my chest, and everyone reading this can nod their head and say "Yup. Been there." At least I know that I'm not alone.
From perimenopause to post-menopause, it's been over 8 years. That's enough. THAT'S ENOUGH!!! I. WANT. IT. OVER. I want to STOP feeling Horrible, stop being self-obsessed. I want to enjoy my life, have fun times with my family, make new friends, and accomplish at least one of the many things I have -or USED to have- going on in my life.
Thanks for listening. Sincerely. I send you a big hug, and remind you -and myself- that at some point, this will be all over, and we can get on to our families and our lives.
I was going to attempt to go out and splurge on a badly-needed massage, but the headaches are starting again, so maybe I just need to cry for a bit. I'm so worn out that I don't know. I can't tell.
Today...it's starting out so-so again, but it can go bad very easily. I'm REALLY trying to not concentrate on what it might be, and if I do end up on the couch all day again, I keep telling myself it's OK...if I don't get anything done today, it's ok.
But it's not just the Ending Up On the Couch and Accomplishing Nothing. It's the Feeling Horrible as I do it. For hours...for days. Again and again. Losing days and days because I'm feeling horrible...just hate it.
I want to feel good- I'll happily settle for ok- for more than 30 minutes ...no, I want my old self back, when I'd feel good for days, and the bad days were few, and when they'd happen, at least they weren't Horrible. I'd kiss my husband and child goodbye, and when they'd get off to work and school, I'd get dressed and walk the 6 blocks to the grocery store, or take the bus to the mall, spend some time reading or sketching at Starbucks, get something for dinner on the way home, make dinner, and spend the evening with my family......all while feeling GOOD....because being able to do these things MAKES me feel good. And I could make plans to go to the zoo or go have lunch with someone, and I could work on my artwork because I'm not in discomfort/despair/pain/fatigued/crying, etc....you know, I was Normal.
But I can't do this if I've got those headaches, the body aches, the upset stomach, the dizziness, the chest pains, the fatigue, etc etc....each one of the many physical symptoms, by itself, is an emotional punch in the face...and all those are bad enough, but when the anxiety, not to mention the fear, hits...OMG, that destroys my spirit. That going over the edge....I cannot describe how awful that is, that feeling when true Insanity grabs me, even if it's only for a minute...my entire foundation of who I am, what I am, where I am, in my life, in my world, in this world...is rocked so hard that there's nothing to hold onto. And I emerge physically, mentally and emotionally shaking, and then just exhausted and worn out in every sense. If I'm lucky, either my husband's actually with me or I can get him on the phone so I have some sort of anchor.
Because the symptoms I experience are so strong and debilitating, I've become indescribably self-obsessed, which I also hate. For days, all I can think about is myself. I try to get distracted, but if there are enough awful stuff going on with me, it's very hard, and I find it often impossible. After all, how the day goes is entirely based on how I feel, and that can change from one hour to the next. I KNOW that exercise helps, but if I've got a headache and/or dizziness and/or anything thing else like that (which is often the case)...I'm sorry, I'm NOT exercising. I try to think positive thoughts, try to remember that there are many more people in lots worse situations and conditions than me....but am rarely successful.
I am just so grateful for this website. I can make an attempt to get my frustrations, sadness, and anger off my chest, and everyone reading this can nod their head and say "Yup. Been there." At least I know that I'm not alone.
From perimenopause to post-menopause, it's been over 8 years. That's enough. THAT'S ENOUGH!!! I. WANT. IT. OVER. I want to STOP feeling Horrible, stop being self-obsessed. I want to enjoy my life, have fun times with my family, make new friends, and accomplish at least one of the many things I have -or USED to have- going on in my life.
Thanks for listening. Sincerely. I send you a big hug, and remind you -and myself- that at some point, this will be all over, and we can get on to our families and our lives.
I was going to attempt to go out and splurge on a badly-needed massage, but the headaches are starting again, so maybe I just need to cry for a bit. I'm so worn out that I don't know. I can't tell.
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