more of the same...can I fight it?
We went out for sushi to celebrate Father's Day. After a day of light bites here and there, I piled it on with fatty fish. Now I'm sorry. Very sorry.
For the umpteenth time, I wonder how much of this is actually just physical, and if I can just get my psyche to NOT immediately associate the digestive issues with menopause, I would be ok. A full gut, rolling stuff in my lower GI tract, cramps...all these immediately start the Anxiety level to rising, which then triggers off Sadness, which adds more Anxiety, and the whole thing snowballs. That I didn't get much sleep just makes things worse (we stayed up to watch 'Game of Thrones' so I didn't fall asleep until way after midnight, and now it's 8am...and I'm awake fighting my morning fight).
Yesterday I managed to distract myself with a couple chores, and I did get a nap in, and I was ok.
Now....I'm not sure.
J is off today and we were all going to a movie and let him have a real Father's Day since he had to work. I was also going to cater to him a little, as a F's Day present, but I don't know if I can do it. (For the record, I've been taking testosterone for 1 1/2 months now in an attempt to get my libido started again, but it hasn't worked all that much; I'd still rather cuddle and be massaged than have an orgasm). I may even have to get a cry in today.
I hear J stirring. Will update this update later.
(Later) Today, the fight is harder. Had a little cry with J, but the soreness and headache and sadness are still here. So...will I end up sitting in a chair in the yard trying to get it out of my system by crying, while J putters in the yard? I don't know...I can't think straight.
I just want this to stop. It is stopping, very gradually...I had a nice week last week...but somehow that's not important right now that I'm feeling like crap. I want to stop feeling like crap. I want to stop feeling sad. I want to stop seeing only the parts of my life that aren't working out.
I want this to stop.
(Later) I couldn't fight it. I spent the morning not only crying in the yard, but feeling crazy and lost. I was unable to think of anything else other than how awful I felt. I couldn't even perceive the future; what might the afternoon be like...I could think of nothing but the current misery I was experiencing. Hours later, I was exhausted, and almost went to bed but J announced he was going on some errands. I thought that maybe if I got out of the house for a bit, that might help, so I went along with J and sat in the car while he did his stuff. The wind in my face, the sights and sounds of people going along with their lives, the trees and flowers...they did help ease the sadness a bit, but I hit the bed the minute we got home.
Now I do feel a bit better emotionally, even though the damn head- and neck aches are still here.
I'll settle for ANY improvement, and I'll try not to dwell too much on another day lost...
....and there are the men, carrying on with their lives! ]:/
For the umpteenth time, I wonder how much of this is actually just physical, and if I can just get my psyche to NOT immediately associate the digestive issues with menopause, I would be ok. A full gut, rolling stuff in my lower GI tract, cramps...all these immediately start the Anxiety level to rising, which then triggers off Sadness, which adds more Anxiety, and the whole thing snowballs. That I didn't get much sleep just makes things worse (we stayed up to watch 'Game of Thrones' so I didn't fall asleep until way after midnight, and now it's 8am...and I'm awake fighting my morning fight).
Yesterday I managed to distract myself with a couple chores, and I did get a nap in, and I was ok.
Now....I'm not sure.
J is off today and we were all going to a movie and let him have a real Father's Day since he had to work. I was also going to cater to him a little, as a F's Day present, but I don't know if I can do it. (For the record, I've been taking testosterone for 1 1/2 months now in an attempt to get my libido started again, but it hasn't worked all that much; I'd still rather cuddle and be massaged than have an orgasm). I may even have to get a cry in today.
I hear J stirring. Will update this update later.
(Later) Today, the fight is harder. Had a little cry with J, but the soreness and headache and sadness are still here. So...will I end up sitting in a chair in the yard trying to get it out of my system by crying, while J putters in the yard? I don't know...I can't think straight.
I just want this to stop. It is stopping, very gradually...I had a nice week last week...but somehow that's not important right now that I'm feeling like crap. I want to stop feeling like crap. I want to stop feeling sad. I want to stop seeing only the parts of my life that aren't working out.
I want this to stop.
(Later) I couldn't fight it. I spent the morning not only crying in the yard, but feeling crazy and lost. I was unable to think of anything else other than how awful I felt. I couldn't even perceive the future; what might the afternoon be like...I could think of nothing but the current misery I was experiencing. Hours later, I was exhausted, and almost went to bed but J announced he was going on some errands. I thought that maybe if I got out of the house for a bit, that might help, so I went along with J and sat in the car while he did his stuff. The wind in my face, the sights and sounds of people going along with their lives, the trees and flowers...they did help ease the sadness a bit, but I hit the bed the minute we got home.
Now I do feel a bit better emotionally, even though the damn head- and neck aches are still here.
I'll settle for ANY improvement, and I'll try not to dwell too much on another day lost...
....and there are the men, carrying on with their lives! ]:/
Replies
Hey MKal,
After a realitivly calm weekend, complete with working out, except I didn\'t go this am, should have but the lazys hit me and now I am sorry - I too am a bit anxious today-mixed with those crazy blues on and off. I agree with you, would really love it to all be done! Patience I guess. I used to have really hideous PMS and at this point I would go back to have my periods again, and know that I could count on at least 2 weeks out of the month of feeling like myself again. Yeesh!
Hang in there-sending healing thoughts your way!
HI Mkal, I know you are suffering along with the rest of us! and that makes me sad! I hate the fact that most of us say at least we are not alone but inside I think we all feel so bad for one another and wish this was not happening to any of us! at least that is how I feel. I wish we could all climb out of this black hole we all seem to be in! I swear right when I think I am doing better the next day I feel like I am dying all over again. I told my therapist the other day. I feel like I am doing better and now I feel like I need to call a hot line or something.lol okay maybe not that bad but just about!. I can only hope and pray for all of us and just know you are not alone! If I lived any where near you I would come right over and we would somehow make things better. I don\'t what that would be but I think being around other women would help. We are all so isolated it does not help. You just hang in there and keep trying no matter what! Hugs, Vicki.