More of the Same

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.  I've hurt a lot of people with my anger and confusion of how it is one should act in this world.  But I never used anyone that I proclaimed to love.  C used me.  And I allowed it.  That's why it hurts so fucking bad.  For SO many years I bit my tongue and allowed the shitty ways she acted to go unspoken of.  That was an omission- here's what I actively did wrong: (1) Since she absolutely lost it every time I tried to tell her anything she did that upset me I would often stoop to her level and speak about her to her indirectly.  For example "I hate when someone does....."  Speaking about her to her.  She is FAMOUS for that.  That's passive aggressive bullshit and I allowed myself to engage in it for her.  (2)  I used to talk MAD shit behind her back.  Now mind you- it was only to close friends of mine.  It wasn't like I was spreading shit.  And I needed to do it or I would have lost my shit.  I couldn't just take all the fllippant, snobby, holier than thou ways she acted without speaking of it.  I just do not have that level of patience.  That doesn't change the fact that its a straight up punk move to run your mouth behind someone's back and not be willing to say it to someone's face. 
I'm not sure what else I did wrong- but the above listed is pretty big.  One thing about me that won't change- I try my absolute best to never ever say things like "After all I did for you..."  I know everytime I heard that said it made me feel like I was a complete nuisance to the person who said it.  Whatever I do it's out of love and loyalty- not b/c I feel some bullshit sense of obligation.  And even if I do feel a sense of obligation- that's my fucking obligation and I don't throw it in someone's face.
To be continued....