more notes, things are going good
I've been searching for a life that (by coming to the monastery)I could handle - as I have kind of said to you in the past..
I complained about the monastery last night -
I woke up this morning at 345a and got to work. As I was preparing
the church and conducting the service I thought very plainly and clearly
though I may never have a perfect job (and again what am I asking my work to be?)
There will always be folks who have a grander life, who are smarter and more talented but today in service I felt an acceptance bittersweet about it. I will enjoy my life even so. I also thought about how I do the work here - and I CAN DO THE WORK HERE (which is important to distinguish.) Again I felt a sweet kind of acceptance about that too..
I also started to think about how I was associating things to affirm me - like personality traits
etc...and I thought then about associating with a role model in my mind that suits me.
I thought of the pagan gods who were used by people to associate to, for the purpose
of affirming human experiences and I thought of personality - how it seems
I sense I have a role model in life that inspires and affirms me sometimes.
And then I thought of Jesus Christ and how he is a good role model.
He focuses my energies in a certain way that I appreciate.
I think he's really important - in a lot of ways. I have my own beliefs
when we're listening to readings here in the cafeteria or when others start to
get belligerent over their crazy ideas of what harshness we should live monastically with here. I have my own ideas which I keep to myself - and some day I hope to
share them with you.
keep on keeping on. Thanks.
peace - Mark
Replies
Anyone else?
I know in Judaism, the mother is the one who passes down the spirituality
and so if your mom was jewish but not your Dad - you are still jewish -
You are not jewish if your Dad was jewish and not your mom.
My mother haunts me - my mom was not jewish
but a mother's power is there
Big hug sweetie
I think Jesus is a fabulous role model to aspire to
I didn't realize that being Jewish only came from the mother
Keep on keepin' on!!
Thanks Janet!
I think I’m realizing something important. My self esteem has been really challenged here at the monastery. I think I’m becoming awake to that and seeing what that means here in terms of it being intentional and that in part I am tested here and still viable. I’ve sensed that I fear at times I can’t do anything else with regularity like I used to but also I think I’ve also been affected by living in such a safe bubble. I think I can get used to taking on a part time job.
I’m not sure I want to stick around here but I fear that living alone will have me start associating in my mind some futility and negativity and illness. The realization of the challenge here has me unexpectedly buoyant and feeling like I have both proved my metal and knowing that I can handle these relationships.
I think a part time job is the right Rx for me.
It’s complex.
It is nice that I have a whole community outside my front door, and a purpose. I am part of a tradition as well, I thought tonight, it’s something I’ve always wanted!
I looked for work today. I’ll continue tomorrow.
Have a good weekend!!
Maybe too here at the monastery‘I have a life ‘I can design’, healthfully
Praying for a sense of wellbeing. I’m ok, going to take my meds and hit the sack. Good night
One thing that I have recognized from our talks is that you're getting that when people can can be unkind at times or at least more aggressive that it's about what's in them not anything that you have or haven't done
I think that's so important to recognize especially when you all live in such close quarters
Big squishy hug sweetie...xo
Thanks Jan!!