More July 20th

I saw someone say they felt like they missed the crucial spark of life that makes someone human. Instead they live doing the things that humans do to please others, so no one gets suspicious. 

I had that spark once. But I can tell that over the past year I've slowly lost it. I say year because though I'm tempted to say longer, most of my current problems are set within this past year. When I look back I think that I'll remember this year as being very painful, and that will be my chief memory. The same dark rooms and dark thoughts, with no friendly people in sight. 

There were positive things, but cloaked in so much sadness and loss. Continual survival mode leaving me constantly on edge, tired, and unable to process. That's why looking up now, it's hard to see the good, or any good at all. Though it's there. 

The feeling of being unable to cope with or process anything drives my dissatisfaction with life. Eventually I just gave up seriously processing anything at all, whether feelings or events, although I constantly tried I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere. Things happen, things piled on top of things, more things, I just rolled with it, keep rolling, keep going with the hope that someday I can stop and everything will make sense. I tell myself that things will get better one day, though maybe today is not that day. But with time, I begin to doubt that. 

I like to think of myself as good at keeping up hope and determination. I know that I'm getting better in some ways. A lot of ways. I'm making progress. But the pervasive feeling that I'm not, the feeling that nothing fundamental has changed - I still dissociate, I still have social anxiety if left alone for too long, I still have trust issues even with longtime friends, develope bad depression/dissociation/anxiety trifectum when left alone. I feel that I've gotten better at coping, perhaps have better patterns to fall into when I go to those places. But it's not easy. It's not a natural rhythm. It's something I still constantly have to reach for, and when it doesn't come naturally even after all this time it becomes tiring, I start to forget. And with that I lose hope and fall back to old habits. 

So I'm missing that spark. The one that makes me excited to wake up in the morning and tackle the next day, to challenge myself and see how I can improve. Take on the world and come out the other side beaming. Zest for life. Hope for life. I've withdrawn into myself and my comfort zone of bad habits. I've lost hope in myself and my ability to change or accomplish my goals. I began to accept mediocrity, because I don't believe I can do any better. Mediocrity in effort, mediocrity in reward. 

Looking to the future, having a concrete identity and point of reference, having a goal, those are still things I lack. I constantly exist in the present, making more and more mistakes in my head fog, relying too much on my parent who still babies me and makes this behavior acceptable. This isn't becoming independent like I wanted it. Getting back on track...