more journalling...
definitely trying to use my time journalling to try and drive away
the blues .... and do something that feels worthwhile.
At times it feels as, well I don't know why I feel so wispy mentally and tenuous.
At first when experiencing this today after doing errands - I thought about meditation from the Buddhism I studied
but then I thought honestly I wanted to feel kind of special about myself
and not just a vessel.
I know we all want to feel special...
I want to feel special at times...
and I know others do too - it's where
we meet in the middle...of our interactions... two bubbles of life connecting!
Candidly I am just coming to the question 'why is it when I am home I feel like I am more holding down the status quo'?
and so 'wispy thin mentally' at times - maybe it's fatigue? maybe it's hard to live alone?
I can focus on keeping up with my taking care of life and things (and that is important...essential to always do your work)
but also maybe I need to focus on the design of my home...how my home presents? - so it feels like
i am socializing (designing for social meaning and others out there) as well as being kind to myself by creating what I like too? doing this might create a sense of dialogue and context for my life...ok ok ok.
I don't mean to whine but my day feels so worthless - I know I am important -
but my life just feels so down and worthless I wish I could
figure it out ...so that I could keep on keeping on with life-
and maybe that's what I could do! - manage life to come to a place
where I am doing something that gives me a sense of the worthwhile....
like writing.
To make sense of it - and find a place in my work where I meet others ...- interact- one bubble
meeting other bubbles.
I feel better now. I kind of understand things a little bit more.
I hope if you're having a bad day or however your day is going this helps
and lightens the load a little bit!
peace!!
Replies
Taking the time to remember your blessings, a safe roof over your head, food in your tummy, and comfort with Blue! will help you be in better balance.
You're doing a wonderful job with your writing!
thanks Mid! I was just coming on to add more to this journal.
I think in part it's definitely the weekends that build up my questioning
and search for courage to lead my life .... outside of work my context becomes humanity!
---so I am finding that commanding my energies to be both self responsible
and pursuing interests - can challenge!!
I think I need to find the balance between being responsible and pursuing interests- (when I was finally relaxing here...my mind started
shifting towards the idea of calling out sick tomorrow...not ok) and the balance for me needs to be sticking to
the self responsible survival things - and yet then also going for the interests and possible modality for the expression
of them (like writing or painting or drawing.) I can do it! I repeated the idea a few times here but it just is really essential.
And yes I am very lucky to have so much abundance in my life! Keep on Keeping on!!
Ain't we humans just the most mixed bags in creation? Think life might be simpler as a single cell organism? I bet they have to balance their protoplasmic agitations, too. All of life is a question of balance.
Keep on keeping on. Might as well smile. Did you know it takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? Be lazy.
Haha thanks Arfie!!!
Your journal sounds like something I would have written when I was working in the shops and dealing with people all day long. And it was such a long journey that I kept hoping for more but learned to make peace with my situation and actually felt very uplifted by many interactions with customers.....
But then all it would take was one nasty experience and I’d come home feeling totally overwhelmed and no matter what I couldn’t make home feel like sanctuary. There were many reasons for that but when you feel like the connectivity of all things is feeling like such a marvel but then something happens to throw everything out of whack .... things would spiral for me....
Gratitude goes a long way. My neighborhood and community makes me feel less alone, even though, yes, it’s hard to live alone sometimes. Or feeling like you have to explain your reality to others. That’s why I just started deciding to be more bohemian so I can pretend I’m real artsy and cool even though I’m a total nerd! Hahahaha
Thanks Nikki!!