More grieving , when does this stop?
It all started back in August when Peter coughed up a little blood in his sputum, he was worried enough to show it to me which I in turn told him since he was coughing so hard in the morning he may have broken a capillary because it was just a very small amount, but he needed to get it check out just to make sure. We went to the doctor that week and he sent for a chest X-ray which reveiled a mass in his chest on the right side. After many test and biopsy, it was confirmed cancer non small cell which was contained in the right lung. Referred to surgeon which went over the options of surgery or chemotherapy. After thinking over all the options he decided on surgery. There was a 15% chance he would not make it through surgery, but a better chance in getting all the growth. On October 1 st, he went into surgery. The hospital was located in Dublin so I took off work and stayed with his relatives. His daughter that lives in Florida came to visit while this was going on and to be with her dad. His surgery went amazingly well. I was expecting him coming out of recovery with all kinds of tubes, but he was sitting up waving at me. For 3 days he was recovering very good, then one night he went into respitory distress due to an infection, was transferred to ICU and put on ventilator, for 10 days he was on the ventilator, they tried to wean him off but couldn't so had to do tracheostomy so could wean him much more slowly. After of about a week he was wean off the ventilator after the tracheostomy. By that time he had to learn to walk, and swallow all over again. They were feeding him by NG tube but needed to put a G tube in for a little long term feeding. All of his kids leaving aboard Came back in November For a visit. He was doing good considering all that he went through, he had lost some weight which he really did not have that much to lose, but he was gaining his strength day by day. In total he spent over 14 weeks in the hospital. He got released form the hospital I think it was around December 18 th. He was weak but doing good, and he just wanted to be home. I am still off work and took care of him while he was at home, trying to get his feeding up and fixing him purred meals. We had to have a hospital bed because all our bedrooms are upstairs and the nurse that came in to see him thought it would save on his energy of not having to go up the stairs plus the bathroom is down stairs. So all that done, he wasn't really getting any better. I was trying to get his feeding up because when he ate his stomach was too full for the feeding through the g tube. Doctor came to visit and could not find anything physically wrong, thought he was depressed so put him on antidepressants. Which was going to take weeks to really start taking effect. He was getting more confused so called when care doctor when he got a dose of diarrhea. Then called doctor the next day so the doctor came by that day and put him in hospital this was Jan. 7, they found out he had a fluid imbalance and went about correcting that, due to malnutrition. He was getting better, then on a Saturday morning the hospital called and told me he 02 sat. was going down and thought I needed to be at the hospital as soon as possible that was on the 9 th, found out through a ct scan he had pneumonia in his only lung left, it ended up his body was just too weak to fight this infection, he peacefully passed away on Jan. 10 th with his two sons and me by his side. To say the least I am in shock. Because I had hope he was going to pull through this as he had many times before. He was my life and without him I am in total confusion. I started back to work in Feb. Thinking that would help, but coming home to an empty house it just sometimes over bearing. I am trying to get out more. His family has been great couldn't ask for any better. They all live in Dublin which is 200 miles away, so hard for them to visit. But his son that lives in Shannon which is much closer comes with family to stay the weekend at times. He has been my rock. I probably left out some details of all this. March has always been a bad month for me due to my daughter dying and Peter helped me during all these years and this March I did not have him plus grieving for him, I am really surprised made it through the month. The heartache I feel sometimes is so overwhelming. Then other days I believe I am going to get passed this. Right now it's just one day at a time. Kisses and hugs to everyone.
Replies
I hope sharing this helps you just a little. I send my hugs and love,,, will you stay there in Ireland? will you make your way back here? I have always kept you in my prayers being so far away... I will continue to keep you in my prayers love and big hugs to you......
I send kisses and hugs back. I am so sorry you are going through this loss. It is tough. We lost our son almost 7 years ago and some days it is still tough. My greatest fear is that I will lose again. I am sending love, compassion and sympathy and will keep you in my prayers.
Leda
Thanks to both of you , yes loss my daughter 10 years ago, loss my mother 2 years ago now the love of my life, just going through this time time again is not great at all. Love to both of you as this grieving sucks.
Don\'t know at this time whether I will come back to live in America, going to at least wait a year before I make the decision, plus it will be 3 years before I can retire here so might wait and make the decision then.
I am SO sorry about Peter and oh, what a heartache that is for you and for all who love him. I have found in my life that with each loss it brings to the surface all the others who have gone on before and it hurts terribly. Just a rawness and vulnerable feeling around all those we have loved, do love who are not earth side with us.
Gentle care as you navigate and what a gift that Peter\'s family is so warm and loving with you.
I\'m sorry and send heartfelt (((hugs))) of care,
XO Joanie
I\'m so so sorry....losing our family just sucks....there is no easy way around it...just have to go through it and that hurts.....Sending hugs to you....Vicki