More family bullshit! It never ends!
I swear nothing good ever comes from talking to my family. Like none. I went to Massachusetts to see my family. I was talking w my aunt and grandma and I mentioned that I was going to go this week and visit her cousin, who I happen to be friends with, in Long Island. Her and her girlfriend live out there and I wanted to go see them. Her GF has been sick and is on bed rest right now. So my cousin- we’ll call her M- has been busy taking care of her. I know all of this. In fact, I specifically said- don’t tell M or her GF that I’m coming out b/c it’s just a loose plan b/c I haven’t spoken to them yet about it. Obviously if they are busy then I don’t want to bother them. OBVIOUSLY. Any fucking idiot would know that if you speak to someone and they seem like they’re busy then it’s probably not a good time to come out. I know that. I know how the fuck to act. In fact, I know way better than the large majority of my family.
So- after I told my grandma and aunt about going out to visit and I SPECIFICALLY made it a point to tell them that if M and her GF were busy that I wasn’t going to go. Again- OBVIOUSLY. So my grandma makes it a point to call my father and tell him that since M has been very busy with GF that if she seems hesitant then to not go out there. SHE MADE A PHONE CALL FOR THAT REASON. That’s how fucking dumb this fucking family thinks I am. I spend my entire fucking life taking care of each of them- my grandma is at the top of that list. I go out of my fucking way to make sure everyone’s happy- to my own detriment!!!!!! And they think its fucking necessary to tell me how to have a fucking conversation with someone about going out to see them? I was so insulted. There really aren’t words for how insulted I am.
And- an added benefit of talking to my family about ANYTHING- they made me second guess my self BIG TIME. In fact- ever since Monday I’ve been second guessing everything I do. That’s the awesome part about my family. So fucking horribly negative and ready at a moment’s notice to tell anyone- especially people who DON’T ask- how horrible things could be if I mess up. That’s right- like I just walk around in a happy fucking daze all the time. Just like “lalalala- nothing bad will ever happen to me- lalalalla.” That’s me. That’s what the fuck I do. You know what- every single one of the people in my stupid fucking family – and the world while we’re at it- that fucking REFUSES to take the time and energy it takes to actually get to know me and what I’m about and then have the fucking balls to tell me what to do like I’m some dumb fucking child can go to fucking hell! I’m sick of it. I’m fucking furious with it.
All I do is second guess myself. That’s all I do!!!! I wrote M a message on FB asking her if it was cool to come out and I told her that if she was busy then don’t worry about it. I told her that if I didn’t hear from her then I was going to assume she was too busy. Originally I was just going to call. But- since my family made sure to reaffirm the already fucking obvious possibility that bad things can happen- I opted to write a message. I would not have done that otherwise. I would have called. Or I might have just wrote an open ended message like- was thinking of coming out this weekend, let me know if you’re busy. But of course not- after talking to my family I decided to be all dramatic and fearful- b/c that’s what they bring out of me!!!!! Fucking bastards. So then I call her today and talk to her about it- I didn’t hear from her on facebook. She seemed very hesitant. I said repeatedly that if she was busy then I wouldn’t come out. So she said she “should be around the house this weekend.” I don’t even know what to feel. My family’s input makes me completely doubt all my instincts- so I didn’t know what to feel. God man- fuck them.
Anyway- after that I sent her ANOTHER message on facebook saying that she sounded hesitant and that I know I’m welcome in her home and I appreciate that but if it’s a bad time its no problem either way. I feel dumb as hell for sending that. To be honest- I no longer want to go. I want to take back the fact that I ever asked her.
FUCK!!!! I’m never telling my family shit anymore. I just have to accept that they are going to make me doubt myself every time. I know how to act. I am more of an adult then everyone in my immediate family and most people in my extended family and yet they talk to me like I’m a dumb child and the worst part of it- the absolute worst- is that I believe them!!!! Fuck my life. In my career- I can’t be doubting myself! That’s the worse thing anyone could ever do as a lawyer (well not the worst- but its bad) and especially someone who has their own practice!!!
Talking about playing down my instincts. That’s what my family has always done!!!!! They have always made me doubt my instincts- ALWAYS! That’s what constant criticism does! It makes you doubt yourself. FUCK. I don’t even know what else to type. If I was to type what I feel it would be an elongated fffuuuucccckkkk- it would be longer than that. I’m just so mad.
That’s why I was able to get with J and every other horrible and dangerous man I got with. B/c my family taught me to downplay my instincts and to question everything I thought. Grrrrrr. No more man. No more. I’m really really really fucking angry.
So- after I told my grandma and aunt about going out to visit and I SPECIFICALLY made it a point to tell them that if M and her GF were busy that I wasn’t going to go. Again- OBVIOUSLY. So my grandma makes it a point to call my father and tell him that since M has been very busy with GF that if she seems hesitant then to not go out there. SHE MADE A PHONE CALL FOR THAT REASON. That’s how fucking dumb this fucking family thinks I am. I spend my entire fucking life taking care of each of them- my grandma is at the top of that list. I go out of my fucking way to make sure everyone’s happy- to my own detriment!!!!!! And they think its fucking necessary to tell me how to have a fucking conversation with someone about going out to see them? I was so insulted. There really aren’t words for how insulted I am.
And- an added benefit of talking to my family about ANYTHING- they made me second guess my self BIG TIME. In fact- ever since Monday I’ve been second guessing everything I do. That’s the awesome part about my family. So fucking horribly negative and ready at a moment’s notice to tell anyone- especially people who DON’T ask- how horrible things could be if I mess up. That’s right- like I just walk around in a happy fucking daze all the time. Just like “lalalala- nothing bad will ever happen to me- lalalalla.” That’s me. That’s what the fuck I do. You know what- every single one of the people in my stupid fucking family – and the world while we’re at it- that fucking REFUSES to take the time and energy it takes to actually get to know me and what I’m about and then have the fucking balls to tell me what to do like I’m some dumb fucking child can go to fucking hell! I’m sick of it. I’m fucking furious with it.
All I do is second guess myself. That’s all I do!!!! I wrote M a message on FB asking her if it was cool to come out and I told her that if she was busy then don’t worry about it. I told her that if I didn’t hear from her then I was going to assume she was too busy. Originally I was just going to call. But- since my family made sure to reaffirm the already fucking obvious possibility that bad things can happen- I opted to write a message. I would not have done that otherwise. I would have called. Or I might have just wrote an open ended message like- was thinking of coming out this weekend, let me know if you’re busy. But of course not- after talking to my family I decided to be all dramatic and fearful- b/c that’s what they bring out of me!!!!! Fucking bastards. So then I call her today and talk to her about it- I didn’t hear from her on facebook. She seemed very hesitant. I said repeatedly that if she was busy then I wouldn’t come out. So she said she “should be around the house this weekend.” I don’t even know what to feel. My family’s input makes me completely doubt all my instincts- so I didn’t know what to feel. God man- fuck them.
Anyway- after that I sent her ANOTHER message on facebook saying that she sounded hesitant and that I know I’m welcome in her home and I appreciate that but if it’s a bad time its no problem either way. I feel dumb as hell for sending that. To be honest- I no longer want to go. I want to take back the fact that I ever asked her.
FUCK!!!! I’m never telling my family shit anymore. I just have to accept that they are going to make me doubt myself every time. I know how to act. I am more of an adult then everyone in my immediate family and most people in my extended family and yet they talk to me like I’m a dumb child and the worst part of it- the absolute worst- is that I believe them!!!! Fuck my life. In my career- I can’t be doubting myself! That’s the worse thing anyone could ever do as a lawyer (well not the worst- but its bad) and especially someone who has their own practice!!!
Talking about playing down my instincts. That’s what my family has always done!!!!! They have always made me doubt my instincts- ALWAYS! That’s what constant criticism does! It makes you doubt yourself. FUCK. I don’t even know what else to type. If I was to type what I feel it would be an elongated fffuuuucccckkkk- it would be longer than that. I’m just so mad.
That’s why I was able to get with J and every other horrible and dangerous man I got with. B/c my family taught me to downplay my instincts and to question everything I thought. Grrrrrr. No more man. No more. I’m really really really fucking angry.
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