More ED thoughts
I've had some more time to think about the whole eating disorder thing, and I don't think that I have it yet. I know that I'm restricting and stuff, but I don't have the horrible thoughts that come with it. I don't know why I'm not eating, but I'm not starving myself because I feel like a pig or whatever. Although I did feel like that a bit today when I got on the scale. I think it was self-fulfilling prophecy. I gained a couple of pounds, but it's no big thing. At least I'm trying to convince myself that it's no big thing. A friend commented on my journal that the eating thing might have to do with my taper, and it's a possibility. I know when I was tapering I was having trouble eating, and when I was in the hospital I was having trouble as well. I still gained a bunch of weight, but that's what the hospital is designed to do. I couldn't go outside to exercise, and all they do there is feed you and have you watch stupid daytime TV. I just sleep all day to avoid boredom.
I tried telling Geo that I thought I might be getting anorexic again and he threw a fuss. He said that I was still eating, so it wasn't a problem. He doesn't understand eating disorders (although he probably has binge eating disorder) and he was saying that he just wishes that once I would say something that would seem like I'm getting better instead of adding to my list of problems. I came in the room saying that I fit back into my size 22 pants (yay!) but then added that I might be getting ana. I think it was just the mood he was in. I know he was tired... he didn't sleep well last night and he was getting ready to take a nap. I don't know if I try and talk to him tomorrow about it if I will get a different reaction, but I need his support to fight this if it decides to try and come back.
So yeah, I fit back into my size 22 jeans. They are even a bit loose! I didn't think that they would, since I wear a size 24 pants to work and they are just a bit loose, but the size 22 jeans fit just like the 24 work pants. I wore the jeans all night just to prove that I could. I'm not going to sleep in them, lol, though. They are not Pajama Jeans. Getting back into those jeans made me feel really good. I don't know what I'm going to do when they get looser... I will have to go jeans shopping again. I normally only buy jeans when mine wear out or get too small. I don't know if I have ever bought jeans (on my own or ever) because mine were too big. Now I want to go shopping!
Mood today was mixed. I fell asleep around midnight, and slept until 9am. I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep. I started to get hungry, so I had my normal breakfast (mini bagel with peanut butter). I didn't have the coffee, I had it with milk instead. I don't know where the time went, but suddenly it was 10:30 and I was still awake. I took a klonopin, knowing it was going to knock me out until the afternoon but knowing it was the right thing for me to do. I woke up around 2 and felt okay. A bit drugged, but that was to be expected. I drank my coffee, watched Geo play a video game for a while and then decided that I needed to eat lunch. I'm doing a weight loss challenge, and one of the rules is that you have to be over 1,200 calories a day. Since I've been less than that, and one of the challenges this week is to do something good for you that you need to be doing, I made my goal to have lunch. I had an egg salad sandwich for lunch. It was good, but not as good as I was hoping it would be. Oh well, I ate lunch like I was supposed to.
Food today was good. I was in my calorie range again. I think if I keep working on it and eating lunch I can get to my goals. I just have to fight the negative thoughts that come when I gain weight. The thing is, if I gained some weight back my body confidence would be better since I wouldn't have all this loose skin! But I'm trying to do this to be healthy. I want to be able to run a marathon eventually, even if I have to do it in 13 hours (at my current speed). I know I can get into better shape, I just have to push myself. I think I need to focus more on my physical activity levels than on my food. That's what was working for me before. I can't walk a 5k anymore, but I was able to in January. The whole depression and taper sent me into a whole workout hole. March I barely did anything, and this month I've caught up a bit, but only logged 750 fitness minutes instead of my normal 1,000+. This month it's just been mood swings and lack of motivation. I just need to get myself back together.
I tried telling Geo that I thought I might be getting anorexic again and he threw a fuss. He said that I was still eating, so it wasn't a problem. He doesn't understand eating disorders (although he probably has binge eating disorder) and he was saying that he just wishes that once I would say something that would seem like I'm getting better instead of adding to my list of problems. I came in the room saying that I fit back into my size 22 pants (yay!) but then added that I might be getting ana. I think it was just the mood he was in. I know he was tired... he didn't sleep well last night and he was getting ready to take a nap. I don't know if I try and talk to him tomorrow about it if I will get a different reaction, but I need his support to fight this if it decides to try and come back.
So yeah, I fit back into my size 22 jeans. They are even a bit loose! I didn't think that they would, since I wear a size 24 pants to work and they are just a bit loose, but the size 22 jeans fit just like the 24 work pants. I wore the jeans all night just to prove that I could. I'm not going to sleep in them, lol, though. They are not Pajama Jeans. Getting back into those jeans made me feel really good. I don't know what I'm going to do when they get looser... I will have to go jeans shopping again. I normally only buy jeans when mine wear out or get too small. I don't know if I have ever bought jeans (on my own or ever) because mine were too big. Now I want to go shopping!
Mood today was mixed. I fell asleep around midnight, and slept until 9am. I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep. I started to get hungry, so I had my normal breakfast (mini bagel with peanut butter). I didn't have the coffee, I had it with milk instead. I don't know where the time went, but suddenly it was 10:30 and I was still awake. I took a klonopin, knowing it was going to knock me out until the afternoon but knowing it was the right thing for me to do. I woke up around 2 and felt okay. A bit drugged, but that was to be expected. I drank my coffee, watched Geo play a video game for a while and then decided that I needed to eat lunch. I'm doing a weight loss challenge, and one of the rules is that you have to be over 1,200 calories a day. Since I've been less than that, and one of the challenges this week is to do something good for you that you need to be doing, I made my goal to have lunch. I had an egg salad sandwich for lunch. It was good, but not as good as I was hoping it would be. Oh well, I ate lunch like I was supposed to.
Food today was good. I was in my calorie range again. I think if I keep working on it and eating lunch I can get to my goals. I just have to fight the negative thoughts that come when I gain weight. The thing is, if I gained some weight back my body confidence would be better since I wouldn't have all this loose skin! But I'm trying to do this to be healthy. I want to be able to run a marathon eventually, even if I have to do it in 13 hours (at my current speed). I know I can get into better shape, I just have to push myself. I think I need to focus more on my physical activity levels than on my food. That's what was working for me before. I can't walk a 5k anymore, but I was able to in January. The whole depression and taper sent me into a whole workout hole. March I barely did anything, and this month I've caught up a bit, but only logged 750 fitness minutes instead of my normal 1,000+. This month it's just been mood swings and lack of motivation. I just need to get myself back together.
Replies
It is great that you are aware of the possible eating disorder. The goal to eat lunch and get over1200 calories are great ones.
Woohoo on getting into the size 22 jeans...and ready to shop for size 20s!
it is good to be aware and you are paying attention to your body. i agree that getting back into the groove of exercise will help a lot. ya on size 22!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it will be so much fun to go shopping! larissa, i do have a question and i think ive asked this before, please dont take offence. when you woke at 9, ate breakfast, the time went fast, then you decided to take a klonopin to sleep till the afternoon. were you still tired or did you want to avoid a large part of the day? i know you have said you need a lot of sleep, but just a thought, do you think you sleep to much? i am sorry if i am hurting you i dont mean to.