More car and mood troubles
After I finished writing the last journal I realized that I have learned one of my mother's behaviors. She gets paralyzed by fear, and I do the same thing but differently. In my Mother's case if she is given some sort of task to do she will drive herself insane second guessing which way she is supposed to go about doing the task. I don't do that. I instead second guess myself and freak out wondering if I am just making stuff up in my head or if it really is real.
Guess what I was doing last night. Yup! I was second guessing myself to the point that I was practically paralyzed.
Anyway, today sucked in general. It started out fine in the morning - normal. Until I went to start my car and it wouldn't start. I didn't freak, I calmly went back inside my house and called AAA. After they arrived I went to put my car into neutral so they could move it, but then the guy asked me to show him the issue. I put the car back into park and went to start the car and.... bam. It started.
By this time of course my class, which is a 30 minute drive away, had already started. It was pointless for me to go there since it would be half over. I decided to just take my car to my family mechanic.
He took a look at it and told me that the car is not going into first gear, that I'm starting the car in second gear that is why it accelerates so slowly. He then proceeded to tell me that it would cost me $1750 to fix it.
ARRRRRRRGHHHHH!!! I just spent $2000 on fixing the engine two months ago!! DAMNIT!!!!!
FUCK. MY. LIFE. FUCKIT FUCKIT FUCKIT FUCKIT FUCKIT FUCKIT FUCKIT
So yeah, I'm not happy. Apparently it will work for a while until the second gear dies under the pressure. My mechanic doesn't think it will last that long though.
I am thinking that instead of fixing the car again, I'm just going to get a new car. This car isn't worth it any more.
From there my mood started deteriorating. I decided not to go to my second class and I just stayed on the computer and made phone calls to people to talk about my car and about the whole bipolar thing.
Soon enough I wasn't even worrying about my car so much as I was worrying about bipolar. I started thinking that because I'm a rapid cycler the way I am that it will be forever before I get my meds right, and even then who knows if I will be able to live with the side effects!
I am terrified of having to switch up my meds again, I really don't want to have to try new meds with new side effects. I like my current med combination because there are no real bad side effects that I have to deal with, but its becoming clear that this isn't really working too well!
I just continued on like that for a while until I got distracted by some work, which I happy got myself very involved with.
Eventually I went to a 12 step meeting. On Tuesdays I have two meetings with a half hour in between. I was fine at the meeting but by the end I was feeling distinctly down. Instead of sticking around and talking to people I walked straight out of the meeting and sat down in the room where the other meeting will take place. Once there I started crying, and it fluctuated back and forth gradually getting worse until a random girl walked by and saw me crying. She sat down by me and talked to me about what was going on.
As far as I'm aware what I was crying about was more of the social anxiety from the day before. I feel like I don't have any real female friends my age, especially not a female friend who would be there for me emotionally. This just got worse and worse as I thought about how I have such a hard time asking for what I want with women, and am afraid to be social with them. Afraid to walk up to them. As if I am not good enough to be a friend.
Anyway, I did my best to say this to the girl talking to me. She eventually got me to get up with her and walk outside to talk a bit know. It got to be just a few minutes before the next meetings so she gave me her number to call her with, made me pinky promise to call, then went off to her meeting while I went to mine.
That made me feel better. But through the meeting my mood still wavered between moderately ok and on the verge of crying. After the meeting I started feeling better though. And now I'm home writing this journal entry.
Now I have to take my last dose of Depakote before I am totally out. I have to drive north for 30 minutes tomorrow to the VA hospital to get a new refill of the Depakote so that I can continue taking it. Lovely.
Sigh. Another painful day past. I sincerely hope tomorrow is better.
Guess what I was doing last night. Yup! I was second guessing myself to the point that I was practically paralyzed.
Anyway, today sucked in general. It started out fine in the morning - normal. Until I went to start my car and it wouldn't start. I didn't freak, I calmly went back inside my house and called AAA. After they arrived I went to put my car into neutral so they could move it, but then the guy asked me to show him the issue. I put the car back into park and went to start the car and.... bam. It started.
By this time of course my class, which is a 30 minute drive away, had already started. It was pointless for me to go there since it would be half over. I decided to just take my car to my family mechanic.
He took a look at it and told me that the car is not going into first gear, that I'm starting the car in second gear that is why it accelerates so slowly. He then proceeded to tell me that it would cost me $1750 to fix it.
ARRRRRRRGHHHHH!!! I just spent $2000 on fixing the engine two months ago!! DAMNIT!!!!!
FUCK. MY. LIFE. FUCKIT FUCKIT FUCKIT FUCKIT FUCKIT FUCKIT FUCKIT
So yeah, I'm not happy. Apparently it will work for a while until the second gear dies under the pressure. My mechanic doesn't think it will last that long though.
I am thinking that instead of fixing the car again, I'm just going to get a new car. This car isn't worth it any more.
From there my mood started deteriorating. I decided not to go to my second class and I just stayed on the computer and made phone calls to people to talk about my car and about the whole bipolar thing.
Soon enough I wasn't even worrying about my car so much as I was worrying about bipolar. I started thinking that because I'm a rapid cycler the way I am that it will be forever before I get my meds right, and even then who knows if I will be able to live with the side effects!
I am terrified of having to switch up my meds again, I really don't want to have to try new meds with new side effects. I like my current med combination because there are no real bad side effects that I have to deal with, but its becoming clear that this isn't really working too well!
I just continued on like that for a while until I got distracted by some work, which I happy got myself very involved with.
Eventually I went to a 12 step meeting. On Tuesdays I have two meetings with a half hour in between. I was fine at the meeting but by the end I was feeling distinctly down. Instead of sticking around and talking to people I walked straight out of the meeting and sat down in the room where the other meeting will take place. Once there I started crying, and it fluctuated back and forth gradually getting worse until a random girl walked by and saw me crying. She sat down by me and talked to me about what was going on.
As far as I'm aware what I was crying about was more of the social anxiety from the day before. I feel like I don't have any real female friends my age, especially not a female friend who would be there for me emotionally. This just got worse and worse as I thought about how I have such a hard time asking for what I want with women, and am afraid to be social with them. Afraid to walk up to them. As if I am not good enough to be a friend.
Anyway, I did my best to say this to the girl talking to me. She eventually got me to get up with her and walk outside to talk a bit know. It got to be just a few minutes before the next meetings so she gave me her number to call her with, made me pinky promise to call, then went off to her meeting while I went to mine.
That made me feel better. But through the meeting my mood still wavered between moderately ok and on the verge of crying. After the meeting I started feeling better though. And now I'm home writing this journal entry.
Now I have to take my last dose of Depakote before I am totally out. I have to drive north for 30 minutes tomorrow to the VA hospital to get a new refill of the Depakote so that I can continue taking it. Lovely.
Sigh. Another painful day past. I sincerely hope tomorrow is better.
Replies
When the anxiety hits, or in this case is triggered by an event - the car problems, it may help to learn how to \'self-sooth\' through relaxation techniques.
I found the following that may be helpful:
No More Mr. Nice guy
OK, something has triggered you into your lizard brain. You are in fight, flight, or freeze mode. You might be lashing out, hiding, or trying to keep an uncomfortable situation from getting worse.
If you have been practicing being an observer of yourself, you might even be conscious that you are not seeing everything clearly and that you could be overreacting. You observe yourself spinning in your brain and feeling victimized and reactive.
How do you take this awareness and do something different?
Once you become aware that your amygdala has been activated and you are in your lizard brain, how do you access a different part of your brain and become assertive rather than reactive?
In other words, how do you learn to think, feel, and act less like a reptile and more like a mature, calm adult?
Once youve become conscious and are effectively observing your lizard brain reactions, you are one third of the way toward emotional integration. Step two is to practice self-soothing.
The Nice Guy Syndrome is fundamentally an anxiety based disorder. Therefore, learning how to soothe anxiety is crucial for moving from a state of near constant anxiety to peace, calm and gratitude.
Nice Guys spend a lot of time and energy in something I call anxiety management. Anxiety management is basically trying to manipulate the people and situations outside of you so you dont have to feel anxiety inside of you.
Nice Guys have lots of unconscious ways of trying to manage anxiety:
Covert contracts
Caretaking
Manipulation
Avoidance
Isolation
Pleasing
Approval seeking
Procrastination
Humor
Defensiveness
Over-functioning
Lying
All of these unconscious behaviors are a manifestation of a feeling of powerlessness that goes back to childhood. These are the reasons that Nice Guys are fundamentally dishonest, fail to live up to their full potential, and are truly unavailable for intimate relationships.
Managing anxiety is fundamentally immature and narcissistic. Anxiety management comes from a place of powerlessness, deprivation, and attachment to outcome. Anxiety management is by nature unloving, lacking in integrity, and inhibiting of intimacy.
When you spend all of your time focused outside of yourself, trying to get people or situations to change so you dont have to change and so you wont feel anxious, you actually perpetuate and magnify your anxiety and feelings of helplessness. Anxiety management actually keeps you stuck in your lizard brain 24/7.
Nice Guys hate feeling anxious. One of the core covert contracts of the Nice Guy Syndrome is the belief that if you do everything right, you will have a smooth, problem-free life. Since we dont live in a smooth, problem-free world, this form of anxiety management actually does nothing but keep you in a state of perpetual anxiety.
If you accept that as long as you are alive and kicking you are going to experience anxiety, you can quit trying to control the people and situations outside of you, stop managing anxiety, and start soothing the anxiety inside you.
The goal of self-soothing isnt to change anything outside of you or make your anxiety go away. Self-soothing is simply calming the anxiety within you as you move forward in life.
Only conscious people can be aware enough to practice self-soothing. The good news is, it isnt difficult. Even infants learn how to do it.
Ready to calm your anxious lizard brain? Heres a few suggestions.
Breathe. When you are stressed, your breathing becomes quick and shallow. Your shoulders will hunch forward. When you are feeling stressed, breathe in deeply from your abdomen. Relax your shoulders. This changes the CO2 level in your blood, slows your heartbeat, and relaxes your body and mind.
I can handle it. Most anxiety is the result of the false belief that you cant handle something. This could include whatever is happening around you in the present moment or whatever you are imagining in your mind is going to happen at some future time. The next time you are conscious of feeling anxious, just repeat to yourself, No matter what happens, Ill handle it. Continue to repeat until your mind starts to believe it.
Gratitude. Much anxiety is the result of deprivation thinking. Feeling grateful is very calming because it activates a different part of your brain. Consciously counting your blessings when you are feeling worried or anxious reminds you that you live in an abundant world. It also helps you get out of your lizard brain and attune yourself to a different part of your brain.
Obsess appointment. If you have a worry spinning around in your brain, make an obsess appointment with yourself. Set aside 10 minutes once a day and CONSCIOUSLY obsess. Whenever you find yourself unconsciously obsessing throughout the day, tell your brain to stop. Limit all obsessing to your obsess appointment. Do this for three days and you will be amazed at the results!
Take action. Thinking causes anxiety, acting cures it. Overcome the paralysis of analysis and take action. Do something anything. If it turns out that your action wasnt the right choice, learn from it, and do something else. Overcome the tendency to sit and do nothing.
A few other suggestions. Talk to someone. Journal. Remember past experiences of successfully handling similar (or worse) situations. Visualize positive outcomes. Use humor. Meditate. Exercise. Practice yoga. Get away.
Remember, anxiety management keeps you stuck in an endless cycle of worry and paralysis. Self-soothing allows you to move forward and embrace the beautiful adventure and serendipity of life!