More car and mood troubles
After I finished writing the last journal I realized that I have learned one of my mother's behaviors. She gets paralyzed by fear, and I do the same thing but differently. In my Mother's case if she is given some sort of task to do she will drive herself insane second guessing which way she is supposed to go about doing the task. I don't do that. I instead second guess myself and freak out wondering if I am just making stuff up in my head or if it really is real.
Guess what I was doing last night. Yup! I was second guessing myself to the point that I was practically paralyzed.
Anyway, today sucked in general. It started out fine in the morning - normal. Until I went to start my car and it wouldn't start. I didn't freak, I calmly went back inside my house and called AAA. After they arrived I went to put my car into neutral so they could move it, but then the guy asked me to show him the issue. I put the car back into park and went to start the car and.... bam. It started.
By this time of course my class, which is a 30 minute drive away, had already started. It was pointless for me to go there since it would be half over. I decided to just take my car to my family mechanic.
He took a look at it and told me that the car is not going into first gear, that I'm starting the car in second gear that is why it accelerates so slowly. He then proceeded to tell me that it would cost me $1750 to fix it.
ARRRRRRRGHHHHH!!! I just spent $2000 on fixing the engine two months ago!! DAMNIT!!!!!
FUCK. MY. LIFE. FUCKIT FUCKIT FUCKIT FUCKIT FUCKIT FUCKIT FUCKIT
So yeah, I'm not happy. Apparently it will work for a while until the second gear dies under the pressure. My mechanic doesn't think it will last that long though.
I am thinking that instead of fixing the car again, I'm just going to get a new car. This car isn't worth it any more.
From there my mood started deteriorating. I decided not to go to my second class and I just stayed on the computer and made phone calls to people to talk about my car and about the whole bipolar thing.
Soon enough I wasn't even worrying about my car so much as I was worrying about bipolar. I started thinking that because I'm a rapid cycler the way I am that it will be forever before I get my meds right, and even then who knows if I will be able to live with the side effects!
I am terrified of having to switch up my meds again, I really don't want to have to try new meds with new side effects. I like my current med combination because there are no real bad side effects that I have to deal with, but its becoming clear that this isn't really working too well!
I just continued on like that for a while until I got distracted by some work, which I happy got myself very involved with.
Eventually I went to a 12 step meeting. On Tuesdays I have two meetings with a half hour in between. I was fine at the meeting but by the end I was feeling distinctly down. Instead of sticking around and talking to people I walked straight out of the meeting and sat down in the room where the other meeting will take place. Once there I started crying, and it fluctuated back and forth gradually getting worse until a random girl walked by and saw me crying. She sat down by me and talked to me about what was going on.
As far as I'm aware what I was crying about was more of the social anxiety from the day before. I feel like I don't have any real female friends my age, especially not a female friend who would be there for me emotionally. This just got worse and worse as I thought about how I have such a hard time asking for what I want with women, and am afraid to be social with them. Afraid to walk up to them. As if I am not good enough to be a friend.
Anyway, I did my best to say this to the girl talking to me. She eventually got me to get up with her and walk outside to talk a bit know. It got to be just a few minutes before the next meetings so she gave me her number to call her with, made me pinky promise to call, then went off to her meeting while I went to mine.
That made me feel better. But through the meeting my mood still wavered between moderately ok and on the verge of crying. After the meeting I started feeling better though. And now I'm home writing this journal entry.
Now I have to take my last dose of Depakote before I am totally out. I have to drive north for 30 minutes tomorrow to the VA hospital to get a new refill of the Depakote so that I can continue taking it. Lovely.
Sigh. Another painful day past. I sincerely hope tomorrow is better.
Guess what I was doing last night. Yup! I was second guessing myself to the point that I was practically paralyzed.
Anyway, today sucked in general. It started out fine in the morning - normal. Until I went to start my car and it wouldn't start. I didn't freak, I calmly went back inside my house and called AAA. After they arrived I went to put my car into neutral so they could move it, but then the guy asked me to show him the issue. I put the car back into park and went to start the car and.... bam. It started.
By this time of course my class, which is a 30 minute drive away, had already started. It was pointless for me to go there since it would be half over. I decided to just take my car to my family mechanic.
He took a look at it and told me that the car is not going into first gear, that I'm starting the car in second gear that is why it accelerates so slowly. He then proceeded to tell me that it would cost me $1750 to fix it.
ARRRRRRRGHHHHH!!! I just spent $2000 on fixing the engine two months ago!! DAMNIT!!!!!
FUCK. MY. LIFE. FUCKIT FUCKIT FUCKIT FUCKIT FUCKIT FUCKIT FUCKIT
So yeah, I'm not happy. Apparently it will work for a while until the second gear dies under the pressure. My mechanic doesn't think it will last that long though.
I am thinking that instead of fixing the car again, I'm just going to get a new car. This car isn't worth it any more.
From there my mood started deteriorating. I decided not to go to my second class and I just stayed on the computer and made phone calls to people to talk about my car and about the whole bipolar thing.
Soon enough I wasn't even worrying about my car so much as I was worrying about bipolar. I started thinking that because I'm a rapid cycler the way I am that it will be forever before I get my meds right, and even then who knows if I will be able to live with the side effects!
I am terrified of having to switch up my meds again, I really don't want to have to try new meds with new side effects. I like my current med combination because there are no real bad side effects that I have to deal with, but its becoming clear that this isn't really working too well!
I just continued on like that for a while until I got distracted by some work, which I happy got myself very involved with.
Eventually I went to a 12 step meeting. On Tuesdays I have two meetings with a half hour in between. I was fine at the meeting but by the end I was feeling distinctly down. Instead of sticking around and talking to people I walked straight out of the meeting and sat down in the room where the other meeting will take place. Once there I started crying, and it fluctuated back and forth gradually getting worse until a random girl walked by and saw me crying. She sat down by me and talked to me about what was going on.
As far as I'm aware what I was crying about was more of the social anxiety from the day before. I feel like I don't have any real female friends my age, especially not a female friend who would be there for me emotionally. This just got worse and worse as I thought about how I have such a hard time asking for what I want with women, and am afraid to be social with them. Afraid to walk up to them. As if I am not good enough to be a friend.
Anyway, I did my best to say this to the girl talking to me. She eventually got me to get up with her and walk outside to talk a bit know. It got to be just a few minutes before the next meetings so she gave me her number to call her with, made me pinky promise to call, then went off to her meeting while I went to mine.
That made me feel better. But through the meeting my mood still wavered between moderately ok and on the verge of crying. After the meeting I started feeling better though. And now I'm home writing this journal entry.
Now I have to take my last dose of Depakote before I am totally out. I have to drive north for 30 minutes tomorrow to the VA hospital to get a new refill of the Depakote so that I can continue taking it. Lovely.
Sigh. Another painful day past. I sincerely hope tomorrow is better.
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