More birthday blues (yes, again)
Dear DS diary,
We're now in the season again where members of my family are celebrating their birthdays and I get triggered by them, through no fault of their own, and have to go by myself to have a serious breakdown, as is happening this afternoon.
I get that these are supposed to be happy occasions, but all that comes to me is how I wish that I could be happy...how I just can't get myself into a celebratory mood now matter how much I try...
...and while I shouldn't name names, Julie111 did post a good journal entry about her convention visit in which she talked about how sometimes it's good to celebrate for no reason at all, and how that concept is escaping me completely...
...(sigh)...all I want to do is cry this afternoon...this happens every year, multiple times, and honestly, I'm getting really really sick of it. But I'm just not finding any answers...
We're now in the season again where members of my family are celebrating their birthdays and I get triggered by them, through no fault of their own, and have to go by myself to have a serious breakdown, as is happening this afternoon.
I get that these are supposed to be happy occasions, but all that comes to me is how I wish that I could be happy...how I just can't get myself into a celebratory mood now matter how much I try...
...and while I shouldn't name names, Julie111 did post a good journal entry about her convention visit in which she talked about how sometimes it's good to celebrate for no reason at all, and how that concept is escaping me completely...
...(sigh)...all I want to do is cry this afternoon...this happens every year, multiple times, and honestly, I'm getting really really sick of it. But I'm just not finding any answers...
Replies
For those unfamiliar, this started when a couple of years ago my sister gave my mother a birthday card that featured a frog singing \"Happy Birthday\" in ribbits. It was meant to be cute, but it sounded so happy and I wasn\'t. Like I had nothing to celebrate. It acted as an instant trigger, and how I managed to hold the crying episode off until I got to the safety of my room is still a mystery.
((((Hugs)))) It is interesting that celebrations trigger you and make you feel sad. Can you remember any particular celebration that was occurring at the same time as a very sad event in your life?
I am sorry to know that you are feeling so sad and upset. I so hope that the days ahead are better for you. I am sorry that I cannot remember whether or not you see a therapist...if so, it might be useful to make this the focus of one of your sessions. If your mood is still low by the time you see your doc in August, maybe you could take to him/her about an antidepressant? Even if it\'s only for a short time, to get you through this rough spot. I sincerely wish for the days ahead to bring you some peace and happiness.
I have such a hard time with celebrating as well. That is why I am working on it. I have found the best way for me to change my thinking is with music. I have a sill songs playlist and a songs to move to playlist.
Just a quick thought...(I too am having issues with getting answers to my questions) maybe we are asking the wrong questions...like I said just a thought I will have to investigate that one myself more.
hugs to you