Mood Swinging Day
Today I had a mood swinging day. I woke up on time after about 9 hours of sleep, then got up and went to therapy. My therapist and I talked about something personal that I'm going to journal about privately if I think it's necessary, and then just put it behind me. I talked to Geo about what my therapist and I talked about and he gave me a better perspective on it, since he knows the people involved. On the way out of therapy I got really depressed, and went and ate a big salad and spent too much money on it, which made me more depressed. I took the bus home and just felt like pure and utter crap the whole way home. When I got to the bus stop, I saw that the blood donation van was across the street like usual and I was feeling physically well, so I decided to donate blood. I talked with the people while I was donating and I started feeling less depressed. By the time I left the blood donation place, I was feeling almost normal, and took my last bus home. I was going to walk, but the guy from the blood donor van said I should take the bus just in case since I have a history of fainting after donating.
I got home and I was feeling okay, and after talking to Geo about the stuff I was feeling pretty okay. I went to the room and tried to nap, but couldn't sleep so I just lay in bed for a while and started to get depressed again. I just wanted attention, and I thought about going to the hospital. I'm scared that I'm going to have to go in again since when I get like this it normally ends up that way. I psych myself into going to the hospital when I feel like I'm not getting the attention I need. I'm not talking about regular attention, or even sexual attention... I'm talking about a constant demand for someone to pay attention to me, and it doesn't matter who it is as long as I get the attention. It's not healthy, it's part of the Borderline Personality Disorder I have, and I need to get over it. The only way for me to is to fight the constant feelings of emptiness that come with it and somehow find a way to stay out of the hospital. I wish I could see my therapist more often since I need a way to figure out coping skills with this borderline, but I guess I will just have to wait until I get paid again.
I'm feeling okay right now. I should call my friend Kate, I told her I would call her, but I didn't yet. She's depressed right now, like everyone I know right now, and I don't know if I can handle talking to her. But I told her I'd call her, and so I don't know what to do. I may just send her a text message since that's the easiest way, just saying I don't feel well and that I want to go to bed early. I don't think it's going to be a problem. I just don't want to talk to someone depressed since I'm on the verge of depression myself and I don't want to give myself any ammo to go down even more since I have enough already.
Physically, today my elbow has been hurting like crazy, I almost went to Urgent Care for it, since I didn't know what to do and it really hurts, but I took some Vicodin and it's feeling better. I don't like the idea of taking a bunch of vicodin to make it go away, but it's better than having to pay a ton of money for Urgent Care that I can't afford. This is the second time this elbow pain has happened to me, and the other time was also when I was about to go into the hospital, so maybe it's a psychosomatic thing. It's not on the elbow I donated blood from, it's on the other one. My elbow was hurting before I donated blood but after I woke up. I think I hurt it swinging at the plague of mosquitoes that attacked me when I walked out of my apartment on the way to see my therapist.
I think I need to end this journal.... my eyes are glazed over and it's hard for me to see. I know I'm typing the right words for the most part because if I misspell something it gets underlined in red and so I just look for things that are underlined. But it's really hard for me to see, so I'm going to go for now.
I got home and I was feeling okay, and after talking to Geo about the stuff I was feeling pretty okay. I went to the room and tried to nap, but couldn't sleep so I just lay in bed for a while and started to get depressed again. I just wanted attention, and I thought about going to the hospital. I'm scared that I'm going to have to go in again since when I get like this it normally ends up that way. I psych myself into going to the hospital when I feel like I'm not getting the attention I need. I'm not talking about regular attention, or even sexual attention... I'm talking about a constant demand for someone to pay attention to me, and it doesn't matter who it is as long as I get the attention. It's not healthy, it's part of the Borderline Personality Disorder I have, and I need to get over it. The only way for me to is to fight the constant feelings of emptiness that come with it and somehow find a way to stay out of the hospital. I wish I could see my therapist more often since I need a way to figure out coping skills with this borderline, but I guess I will just have to wait until I get paid again.
I'm feeling okay right now. I should call my friend Kate, I told her I would call her, but I didn't yet. She's depressed right now, like everyone I know right now, and I don't know if I can handle talking to her. But I told her I'd call her, and so I don't know what to do. I may just send her a text message since that's the easiest way, just saying I don't feel well and that I want to go to bed early. I don't think it's going to be a problem. I just don't want to talk to someone depressed since I'm on the verge of depression myself and I don't want to give myself any ammo to go down even more since I have enough already.
Physically, today my elbow has been hurting like crazy, I almost went to Urgent Care for it, since I didn't know what to do and it really hurts, but I took some Vicodin and it's feeling better. I don't like the idea of taking a bunch of vicodin to make it go away, but it's better than having to pay a ton of money for Urgent Care that I can't afford. This is the second time this elbow pain has happened to me, and the other time was also when I was about to go into the hospital, so maybe it's a psychosomatic thing. It's not on the elbow I donated blood from, it's on the other one. My elbow was hurting before I donated blood but after I woke up. I think I hurt it swinging at the plague of mosquitoes that attacked me when I walked out of my apartment on the way to see my therapist.
I think I need to end this journal.... my eyes are glazed over and it's hard for me to see. I know I'm typing the right words for the most part because if I misspell something it gets underlined in red and so I just look for things that are underlined. But it's really hard for me to see, so I'm going to go for now.
Replies
donating blood is such a good thing to do, i used to do it on a regular basis but havent been able to for the past 6 yrs. i wasvery anemic and somehow had lost 5 pints of blood, they never figured it out and had to get a transfusion, so that ended my bllod giving days. i understan the wanting attention thing, i crave it too, and its funny, i got attention, though irritating when the weight lose was becoming serious, people and family were worried and paid me attention. now that i am not losing anymore, but i still have behaviours and thoughts, which arent noticable, i dont get the attention anymore. like with you, this attention is coming from a bad situation withi ourselves, not attention for something exciting or good. never worry about misspelled words, i am sure i do it alot lol. hope you get some sleep.
It\'s ok to want attention, heck, every one does, but to want it so bad that you end up in the hospital is not good. Certanily you can go about your daily life without people paying attention to you all the time and you can be ok, why not? To expect people to pay attention to you all the time is just unreal, you are asking for something that can not possible happen. You did a good thing donateing blood, that could save a life, I donate blood all the time. That is something you can do to get some attention that is a good thing.