Mondays seem pretty bad for me and I don't know why!

Mondays seem pretty bad for me with the grief and I don't know why.  I am getting better after eight months but Mondays now are hitting me hard.  I am having longer good days and shorter bad days.  I just can't figure out why Mondays now.  I have always hated Mondays but why does it hit me in the pit of my stomach with all the grief.  I just don't understand.  Have any of you hit the eight month mark since the loss of your husband or special person in your life?  How are you coping with it?  How is the grief hitting you now?  I would like to know if I am perfectly normal or not.  On top of the grief is the job search which is not easy for me after all I am 54 years of age seeking a receptionist job.  I think there is an age disccrimination thing but no one is allowed to say it.  They want younger women at the front desk.  So between the grief of the loss of Smokey my husband and no luck with the job hunting thing, I am so overwhelmed with everything.  I am only seeking a part-time job but open to full-time.  It is such bad economic times.  It sucks.  I cried a bit this morning as well.  It is hitting me in the pit of my stomach.  I hate to say it but I just don't want to keep living without Smokey in my life.  I still feel that way after all this time.  I have gotten rid of Smokey's things that I did not want.  The apartment is looking great.  I have to figure out how to work the steam cleaner as I have carpet in the bedroom only.  The rest is laminated floors and easier to clean.  The carpet in the bedroom is disgusting and I would love to have laminate floors instead of the carpet.  Smokey would always go directly into the bedroom to get out of his work boots and clothes.  There is stains on the carpet that won't come out.  It is life.  I don't care what anyone else says but I would rather have Smokey in my life than live this way without him.  I would give up the neat, organized and clean apartment just to have Smokey back in my life.   I missed him last night as I was going to sleep.  I cried.  He was my best friend, lover, partner, companion and rolled into one nice package.  I thought my libido had died with Smokey.  It came back.  No one in my life at the moment so I need to go for walks or cold baths.  It is just the side effect of being alone now after ten years with Smokey.  Does it get any easier?  Do you learn to live with the hole in your heart?  Will I ever turn my life around in a positive direction?  Am I holding on to the past?  Do I need to let go?  What am I doing wrong?  So many questions but so few answers.  I feel like a hampster running around in the hampster wheel but getting no where.  What is life all about anyways?  Where do I go from here?  What is the point of all this anyways?  It all seems so trifle and useless and futile.  God can take it all.  There just doesn't seem any point and doing anything from a frustrated Diane