Monday, July 30, 2012
My Dearest Darling Darrell,
Today has been a turning point: from despair to (cautious) hope. I'm going to be careful of my words, thinking each one through so as to do no harm, so this entry may take hours to complete.
I've been feeling rather like a doll, who is loved and adored and popular for awhile; then, placed back on the shelf until the next time - which might take years (in this case, 25). The difference is, unlike a doll, I have real feelings and feelings which, at present, are rawly exposed. I've been hurt - AGAIN; and I allowed that hurt to happen - AGAIN. Definition of insanity, right?
So, because of this business, I have locked myself in the house, against the cruel world, for too many days and cried and cried and sobbed and sobbed, finally asking for your help. And, of course, you came through for me, Darling, once AGAIN. (I am so looking forward to when I can stand on my own two legs, fully balanced and confident.) You helped me return calm from chaos in my head and led me to the people who truly understand and care because they too are rawly-exposed, wounded, half-in-this-world-half-in-the-other-world souls. They raise me up so I can stand on mountains and so I can walk on stormy seas (thank you, Josh).
I will no longer be that doll. I will be a human being, with a heart - broken or not; a soul - black or not; and a mind - insane or not. I will add joy to grief, healing to pain, and laughter to sobbing; stir them all up in a big pot; and who knows who I will end up being - but I WILL end up BEING. And, all those wretched beautiful souls, who have helped me become my future me will add the flavor of love so that my Pinocchia will be a live ME. And, all those cruel ugly demons, who have tried to tempt me further into the pit will evaporate into a black hole.
Honey, thanks for being there for me - I love you and always will - and for reminding me that I have so many Earth angels fighting for and with me.
Rest for awhile, Dearest. I have a feeling another storm will be coming where I will need you all again.
By the by, your "other" mom has been calling all over the World to all the relatives, asking what's wrong. She's been trying to phone me but the line's been busy - for days. At 90, she just doesn't understand one phoneline, dialup internet connection...I'll call her tomorrow.
Love,
Terry
Today has been a turning point: from despair to (cautious) hope. I'm going to be careful of my words, thinking each one through so as to do no harm, so this entry may take hours to complete.
I've been feeling rather like a doll, who is loved and adored and popular for awhile; then, placed back on the shelf until the next time - which might take years (in this case, 25). The difference is, unlike a doll, I have real feelings and feelings which, at present, are rawly exposed. I've been hurt - AGAIN; and I allowed that hurt to happen - AGAIN. Definition of insanity, right?
So, because of this business, I have locked myself in the house, against the cruel world, for too many days and cried and cried and sobbed and sobbed, finally asking for your help. And, of course, you came through for me, Darling, once AGAIN. (I am so looking forward to when I can stand on my own two legs, fully balanced and confident.) You helped me return calm from chaos in my head and led me to the people who truly understand and care because they too are rawly-exposed, wounded, half-in-this-world-half-in-the-other-world souls. They raise me up so I can stand on mountains and so I can walk on stormy seas (thank you, Josh).
I will no longer be that doll. I will be a human being, with a heart - broken or not; a soul - black or not; and a mind - insane or not. I will add joy to grief, healing to pain, and laughter to sobbing; stir them all up in a big pot; and who knows who I will end up being - but I WILL end up BEING. And, all those wretched beautiful souls, who have helped me become my future me will add the flavor of love so that my Pinocchia will be a live ME. And, all those cruel ugly demons, who have tried to tempt me further into the pit will evaporate into a black hole.
Honey, thanks for being there for me - I love you and always will - and for reminding me that I have so many Earth angels fighting for and with me.
Rest for awhile, Dearest. I have a feeling another storm will be coming where I will need you all again.
By the by, your "other" mom has been calling all over the World to all the relatives, asking what's wrong. She's been trying to phone me but the line's been busy - for days. At 90, she just doesn't understand one phoneline, dialup internet connection...I'll call her tomorrow.
Love,
Terry
Replies
Terry,
I know exactly what you are saying hon. but the DOLL that you are will NEVER be put on a shelf. You have so many of US that will come and take you DOWN when you feel you are being neglected. And those feelings of yours? They are worth EVERYTHING, and Darrell is watching over you even now sweet friend.
these storms keep on a coming.....over and over again they come.......never stopping seemingly until one day you leatrn that you can ride the waves of the storms until they pass...THEY ALWAYS DO. that\'s the ONE most important thing i have really learned. THEY DO PASS and even road appears so you can keep on walking girlfriend...and your walk? is BEAUTIFUL
Love to YOU Diane